LIBRARY 

OF    THE 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA. 


n 


INTERVIEWS 


A  MONOCLE 


BY  LEOPOLD  JORDAN 


THE  MONOCLE 
JUST  ARRIVED 
DODGES  THE  VITAL 
QUESTIONS  OF  THE 
NEWSPAPER  MEN 
I  AND  IS  JOCULAR 

PART  I! 

THE  MONOCLE 
HAVING  SEEN  THE 
UNITED  STATES 
GROWS  SERIOUS 
AND  DISCUSSE 
MANY  SUBJECTS 
OF  IMPORTANCE 


INTERVIEWS 

WITH    A 

MONOCLE 


BY 

LEOPOLD   JORDAN 


SAN   FRANCISCO: 

THE  WHITAKER  &  RAY  Co. 

(INCORPORATED) 
1902 

NEW  YORK  :  >^*V^  CHICAGO  : 

WM.  B.  HARISON  f  \     A.  C.  McCLURG  &  CO. 

65  E.  59th  St.  I     UNIVERSITY    J  Wabash  Ave. 

£AL»FQBlii> 


COPYRIGHT  1902 

BY 
I,EOPOIvD    JORDAN 


TO  THE  PUBLIC. 

In  presenting  the  Unpublished,  and  the  Published,  In- 
terviews with  the  Monocle  as  they  did  not,  and  as  they  did, 
appear  in  The  Daily  Inflated,  the  compiler  begs  to  make 
no  excuse  other  than  his  determination  to  show  the  Mon- 
ocle's good,  sound,  common-sense  in  refusing  to  give  an 
opinion  of  this  Great  Nation  until  first  becoming  familiar 
with  the  People's  Institutions  and  the  People  themselves. 
The  discarded  Interviews  which  appear  in  the  first  part 
of  the  book,  and  which  were  found  in  The  Inflated's  waste- 
paper  basket,  are  nothing  more  than  a  set  of  evasive  va- 
porings  effused,  evidently,  in  the  hope  of  freedom  from 
questions  which  could  not  be  intelligently  answered  by  an 
utter  stranger  just  arrived  at  the  Metropolitan  gates  of 
these  vast  United  States  of  America. 

In  the  second  part,  however,  the  compiler  has  taken, 
with  the  sanction  and  courtesy  of  The  Inflated's  propri- 
etary, the  Interviews  as  given  by  the  Monocle  after  return- 
ing from  a  long  tour  of  the  country.  Those  Interviews, 
which  created  no  little  controversy  within  certain  political 
rings  and  among  disturbers  of  Peace  and  Order,  have  been 
especially  chosen  for  reproduction. 


CONTENTS. 

PAGE. 

The  Monocle  Arrives  (Announcement  by  The  Inflated) 9 


INTERVIEWS  AND  MATTER  DISCOVERED  IN  THE 
WASTE  PAPER  BASKET. 

The  Monocle,  asked  about  the  United  States,  their  National 
and  Civic  Governments  and  Statue  of  Liberty,  refuses 
to  be  interviewed  on  the  subject  and,  instead,  proves 
how  successfully  a  battle  could  be  conducted  by  Editors 
from  editorial  quarters  11 

The  Monocle  evades  questions  pertaining  to  the  U.  S.  A.  and 

talks  of  a  growing  evil 19 

The  Monocle,  still  obstinate,  interviews  the  Interviewer  and 
has  much  to  say  about  Mother-in-law,  which  matter 
leads  to  the  reporter's  instant  dismissal 26 

The  Monocle  receives  a  visit  from  The  Inflated' s  editor-in-chief, 
Mr.  Spikem,  and  dodging  the  questions  of  the  eminent 
journalist,  gives  a  startling  opinion  about  the  Auto- 
mobile    35 

The  Monocle  having  successfully  avoided  giving  an  opinion  of 
the  U.  S.  A.  and  their  National  and  Municipal  Govern- 
ments and  Statue  of  Liberty  to  Editor  Spikem,  encount- 
ers, in  turn,  the  Poet-Editor,  Mr.  Nebuchadnezzar  Inkey, 
who  hears  strange  advice  on  travel 39 

The  Monocle  causes  tumultuous  topsy-turvy dom  in  the  office 
of  The  Daily  Inflated,  and  is  the  means  of  sending  the 
wife  and  servant  and  one  cat,  belonging  to  the  Editor, 
into  a  swoon 49 

The  Monocle  starts  upon  a  journey  through  the  States  and 
Editor  Stunts,  failing  to  nail  the  Monocle  down  to  an 
opinion  of  this  country,  is  compelled  to  listen  to  matter 
so  irrelevant  and  so  irrational  that  it  finds  its  way,  like 
the  preceding  Interviews,  to  the  waste  paper  basket  ...  54 


CONTENTS— Continued. 

PAGE. 

The  Monocle  gone,  Editor  Stunts  tarries  awhile,  then  mistakes 
an  Undertaker's  Establishment  for  his  office.  His 
brother  Editors  arrive  at  a  sad  conclusion 59 


PART  II. 


THE  INTERVIEWS  AS  THEY  APPEARED  IN  THE  INFLATED 

The  Monocle  returns  and  now  gives  important  interviews. 
Scores  defamers  of  public  men  of  the  States  and  has  a 
word  or  two  to  say  about  our  Freedom  and  Equality . .  67 

The  Monocle  gives  valuable  advice  as  to  the  disposal  of  those 

who  come  to  the  U.  S.  A.  to  make  a  living 74 

The  Monocle's  views  on  the  living  of  the  noor  of  the  Metrop- 

polis  of  the  U.  S.  A  86 

The  Monocle  assails  prodigious  gifts  of  libraries  while  the 
tenements  and  dwellings  of  the  unfortunate  are  kept  in 
a  disgraceful  condition 90 

The  Monocle  finds  a  lack  of  a  proper  Administration  of  Justice. 
INEQUALITY,  INJUSTICE,  LYNCHINGS  and  so- 
called  "Stealing  of  Franchises"  considered 95 

The  Monocle  pays  the  HIGHEST  HOMAGE  TO  OUR  MAR- 
TYRED PRESIDENT,  CONDEMNS  SCANDAL,  RI- 
BALDRY AND  INFLAMMATORY  RHETORIC 104 

The  Monocle  denounces  our  Police  Court  methods 114 

The  Monocle  discusses  an  important  OFFICIAL  MILITARY 
ORDER  ISSUED  with  the  object  of  improving  the  Con- 
duct of  our  SOLDIERS  120 

The  Monocle  declares  that  the  RICH  MAN  IS  THE  FRIEND 
OF  THE  POOR,  and  CONDEMNS  AGITATORS  AND 
DISTURBERS 126 

The  Monocle  reviews  the  Immigration  Report 129 

The  Monocle's  last  word  before  departing  for  Happy  Old  Eng- 
land .  132 


THE 

ARRIVAL  of  the  MONOCLE. 

PERSISTENT  REFUSAL  TO  BE  INTER- 
VIEWED UNTIL  FIRST  HAVING 
SEEN   THE   COUNTRY. 


UNIVERSITY 


Cftt  Daily  inflated  Th* J 

Vol  XXIV.         New  York,  Thursday,  February  14th,   1901       Price  5  Cents 

THE  MONOCLE  ARRIVES  ON  THE  ARROW  LINE 
STEAMER     DART— THE     DISTINGUISHED 
VISITOR  GRACIOUSLY  RECEIVES  THE 
DAILY  IN  PL  AT  ED'S  REPRE- 
SENTATIVE. 

Among  the  arrivals  on  the  Arrow  Line  Steamer,  Dart, 
last  evening  was  the  Monocle. 

The  steamer  was  several  hours  over  due  owing  to  Cap- 
tain Sensible  absolutely  refusing  to  hurry  his  vessel  with 
its  precious  souls  aboard  through  a  dense  fog.  The  pas- 
sengers, appreciating  the  care  and  vigilance  of  Captain 
Sensible,  presented  him  with  a  testimonial  setting  forth  his 
worth  as  an  efficient  and  painstaking  skipper.  Those  most 
prominent  of  the  three  hundred  saloon  passengers  were, 
besides  the  Monocle,  Lord  and  Lady  Algernon  Pompcourt, 
who  are  here  on  an  extended  tour  of  the  States ;  Mr.  George 
Henry  Bragg,  a  multi-millionaire  of  Allegheny ;  Miss  Par- 
manta  Sharp,  the  eminent  young  American  prima  donna 
who  recently  created  so  great  a  furore  in  London  musical 
circles,  and  who  is  under  engagement  to  sing  during  the 
coming  season  in  the  enormously  successful  opera  "Ratan- 
zoo,"  by  the  Russian  composer,  Joyvitivitch ;  Mrs.  D'Alroy 
Sebastian  Jones,  wife  of  D'Alroy  Sebastian  Jones,  the 
Wall  street  magnate;  and  Mr.  Sandy  McPherson,  whose 
philanthropy  has  amazed  two  continents.  During  the  trip 
a  concert  was  given  in  the  saloon  on  the  evening  of  the  12th 
inst.,  in  aid  of  the  Sailors'  Widows'  Fund,  when  the  munifi- 
cent sum  of  thirty-two  dollars  and  fifty-two  cents  was  col- 
lected. 


10  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

As  the  Monocle  glided  down  the  gang-plank  to  be  custom- 
officered,  The  Inflated's  representative  caught  it  in  time  to 
save  it  from  an  inglorious  fall  over  a  banana  peel  which 
had  been  carelessly  thrown  on  the  dock.  After  expressing 
its  profound  gratitude  that  it  was  saved  from  a  most  em- 
barrassing position  upon  touching  for  the  first  time  the 
soil  of  the  American  continent,  the  Monocle,  while  refusing 
to  say  anything  for  publication  at  present,  consented  to  re- 
ceive The  Inflated' s  representative  later,  when  a  full  and 
exhaustive  and  exclusive  opinion  of  this  country  may  be 
looked  for  in  these  columns. 


REJECTED  INTERVIEW  I.— (Impracticable.} 

WEIRD  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE  PICKED 
FROM  WASTE  PAPER  BASKET— REPORTERS 
AND  EDITORIAL  STAFF  OF  THE  DAILY 
INFLATED  KEPT  IN  HIGHLY  NERV- 
OUS STATE— MONOCLE  IS  STUB- 
BORN, PRESS  INSISTENT. 

"You  will  really  have  to  excuse  me,"  said  the  Monocle 
when  seen  by  a  reporter  of  The  Daily  Inflated;  "the  fact  is 
I  have  never  given  an  interview  and,  while  appreciating 
your  call,  must  decline  to  say  anything  for  publication." 

"But,"  interposed  Mr.  Smart,  the  newspaperman,  "the 
visit  to  our  shores,  to  our  great  Republic,  of  one  so  ex- 
clusive as  yourself  has  naturally  created  an  incentive  to 
study,  impartially  and  without  bias,  our  very  own  free- 
born  as  well  as  those  free  and  easy  wards  we  have  as- 
similated even  deep  in  the  very  vitals  of  our  Nation." 

"You  have  a  great  land,  have  you  not?"  asked  the 
Monocle  with  an  evident  desire  to  dodge  the  question. 

"That  I  would,  myself,  ask,  you,"  said  the  reporter. 

"And  very  fertile  and  rich  and  extensive,  is  it  not?" 
again  questioned  the  Monocle. 

"Really,  I  prefer  to  have  your  opinion  and  impressions," 
declared  the  newspaperman;  "and  while  I  would  disown 
any  idea  of  being  personal,  may  I  ask  whether  you  are 
not  a  wee  bit  of  a  cynic  ?" 

"There  you  are  in  error,"  declared  the  Monocle.  "I  am 
not  a  morsel  cynical.  I  have  implored  myself,  at  least,  to 
adopt  a  cynicism,  but  said  I  to  myself,  'No!  cynicism  is 


12  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

tommyrot,  cynics  are  fools  and  life  is  too  short  to  believe 
in  "isms/  Why  upset  the  even  tenor  of  my  way  ?'  I  ask  my- 
self. Then  to  counteract  that  very  plausible  philosophy, 
I  ask  myself,  'What  use  even  is  there  in  being  even  ?  Be  odd 
all  the  time.'  And  pursuing  further  my  philosophical  strain, 
I  conclude  that  being  a  Monocle  I  am  decidedly  an  odd 
number;  but,  even  so,  I  will  reserve  to  myself  the  right  to 
deny  myself  the  oddity  of  cynicism.  Then,  again,  I  be- 
lieve in  charity  and  self-preservation;  for  instance,  peo- 
ple, I  take  it,  who  live  in  glass  houses  should  refrain  from 
bombarding  their  neighbors'  crystal  residences  with  brick- 
bats; nor  should  a  glass  eye,  nor  the  glass  which  focuses 
for  a  dilapidated  eye,  attempt  promiscuously  to  use  a  pea- 
shooter in  a  throng  where  glass  eyes  and  eyeglasses  are 
mostly  conspicuous." 

"Philosophical,  I'm  sure,"  agreed  the  scribe,  "but,  I 
should  esteem  it  a  favor  if  you  would  give  me  your  impres- 
sions of  this  gigantic  Country  and  its  National,  State,  and 
Civic  Governments  and  Statue  of  Liberty." 

"Ah,  young  man,"  declaimed  the  Monocle  with  one  of 
those  austere  glances  that  only  a  Monocle  can  assume, 
"you  ask  for  my  impressions !  You,  yourself,  are  capable, 
I  am  certain,  of  answering  the  questions  you  would  put 
to  me,  and  I,  therefore,  beg  of  you  to  give  me  your  own 
impressions  of  your  own  country  and  your  own  people,  your 
own  institutions  and  your  own  statesmen,  your  own  poli- 
ticians and  your  own  corruptionists  and  corrupted." 

"My  dear  Monocle"  replied  the  newspaperman  with  a 
show  of  irritation  and  a  glance  at  his  watch,  "you  are  very 
good,  but  you  will  understand  that  I  am  here  not  to  give, 
but  to  take  away  impressions." 

"Sir,"  rejoined  the  Monocle,  with  an  exhibition  of  dis- 
pleasure and  a  right  flank  movement,  which  brought  it  in 
such  a  position  with  the  sun  that  the  reflection  almost  in- 
jured the  sight  of  The  Inflated'*  anxious  representative, 


REJECTED  13 

"Sir,  you  warned  me  that  it  is  your  wish  to  take  away  im- 
pressions. Now  there  are  many  kinds  of  impressions: 
there  is  the  impression  of  words,  and  there  is,  also,  the 
impression  of  acts.  The  acts  which  impress  are  numerous 
and  of  varying  description.  There  is  the  impression  made 
by  the  eye.  A  sharp,  penetrating  eye  can  make  a  lasting 
record  on  the  soul ;  there  is  the  impression  made  by  words. 
A  single  word  can  so  cut  that  the  lacerated  impression  on 
the  heart  can  never  heal;  there  is  the  impression  by  touch 
or  act,  otherwise,  the  abrupt  contact  of  the  toe  of  the  boot 
against  a  portion  of  the  anatomy  which,  when  sufficiently 
forcible,  makes  an  impression  long-lasting  and  that  is  the 
impression  you  may  carry  away." 

"My  dear  Monocle"  put  in  the  reporter,  "you  are  taking 
on  a  slight  irritation  which  were  it  emanating  from  an- 
other I  would  not  forgive  so  easily.  Again,  were  I  to  al- 
low my  vitriolic  anger  full  play  you  would  be  shattered  and 
our  friendship  could  never  be  repaired." 

The  Monocle  glared  severely,  and  almost  forbiddingly 
at  the  reporter,  who,  observing  its  wrath,  came  to  the  con- 
clusion that  if  he  desired  to  get  an  interview,  he  must  rub 
the  Monocle  with  a  chamois-leather  diplomacy. 

"Shake,"  said  the  newspaperman,  extending  his  hand. 

"Sir,"  returned  the  Monocle,  satirically,  "  I  cannot  allow 
myself  to  be  smeared." 

"You  are  still  on  the  offensive,"  said  the  newspaperman 
in  a  rather  conciliatory  tone. 

"I'm  on  the  offensive  if  you  will  it  so,"  the  Monocle  re- 
plied, somewhat  tartly. 

"Pardon  me,  but  you  are  the  most  aggressive  Monocle 
I  ever  met,"  declared  the  newspaperman  with  a  grin.  "But 
I  like  you  for  it.  You  who  are  aggressive  are,  at  least, 
honest." 

"It  is  good  of  you  to  say  so  much,"  replied  the  Monocle, 
"and  I  applaud  your  acumen." 


14  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

"Then  we  are  agreed  on  two  points,  at  any  rate,"  said 
the  newspaperman,  "and  having  got  so  far,  will  you  not 
throw  out  your  reflections?" 

"My  dear  Mr.  Smart,  I  will  throw  out  nothing,  not  even 
you,"  declared  the  Monocle. 

The  newspaperman  arose  from  his  seat  and  made  a  most 
profound  obeisance. 

"Before  we  go  any  further,"  the  news-gatherer  resumed, 
"will  you,  my  dear  Monocle,  inform  me  for  the  benefit  of 
the  uninitiated,  of  your  use  in  the  world  ?" 

"Certainly,"  cried  the  Monocle,  "and  most  readily.  Well, 
to  commence,  I  at  once  admit  the  honor  I  feel  in  being  en- 
abled to  empty  my  glass  of  its  acknowledgments  of  the 
] earning  which  you  in  your  unfathomable  intellect  as  a 
journalist  represent."  ("Here,  here!"  from  the  audience). 
"In  you  I  see  represented  a  vast  multitude  of  brains 
(cheers  from  the  audience) ;  the  exponent  of  physiology, 
psychology,  physics  and  philosophy !  In  you  I  behold  the 
leader  of  wars,  or  I  ought  to  say,  you  should  be  the  leader, 
since  thousands  of  miles  from  the  field  of  battle,  thousands 
of  leagues  from  the  theater  of  war,  far  away  from  the 
geographical  eccentricities  of  the  seat  of  campaign,  re- 
iiute  from  the  turbulent  thunders  of  belching,  shelling 
cannon  and  piercing  bayonet,  unfettered  by  the  chances  of 
sudden  and  terrible  attack,  you  direct,  not  from  the  regi- 
mental columns,  but  from  the  leaded  columns  of  your  on- 
slaughting  paper,  the  tactics  that  in  your  supreme  judg- 
ment should  have  been,  or  should  be  followed;  planning 
out  the  way  to  win  certain  victory  by  divining  the  exact 
moment  when  a  skillful  movement  forward  or  retreat  could, 
can  or  should,  save  the  honor  of  the  nation.  Are  you  then 
not  all  wonderful  ?  Though  I  am  convex  I  do  not  magnify 
your  value !  I  place  it  before  your  humble  self  in  its  true, 
unmagnified  form,  knowing  well  that  you  hardly  ever 
dreamed  of  your  own  inestimable  importance  to  mankind. 


REJECTED  15 

(Vociferous  cheers  from  the  audience.)  Your  tactical  skill 
in  directing  an  army  on  the  battlefield,  thousands  of  miles 
away  from  the  base  of  supplies  (your  supplies  being  the 
death-dealing,  soul-piercing  pens,  the  gory  inks  and  ex- 
plosive paper),  would  be  as  heroic  as  it  would  be  patriotic, 
and  successful  as  it  would  be  startling.  I  take  it  as  a  short- 
sighted piece  of  business  that  the  government  (I  am  speak- 
ing of  no  particular  government,  but  of  any  government) 
should  not  retain  and  elect  each  editor  of  each  metropolitan 
journal  and  designate  him,  for  instance,  'The  War  Editor 
Commanding  From  Afar/  the  same  government  giving  him 
power  to  pour  forth  volleys  of  war-like  literature  with  a 
title  such  as  this : 

MANUAL 
OF  THE  EDITOR  COMMANDING  FROM 

AFAR: 
DIRECTIONS  ON  DISCIPLINE  BEFORE 

THE  ENEMY  AND  BEHIND  HIM; 
HOW  TO  MAKE  ANY  FLANK  MOVEMENT 

AND  WHEN; 

ADVICE  AS  TO  HOW  THE  ARMY  SHOULD 

SHOOT  THE  CHUTES 

AS  WELL  AS  THE 

ENEMY; 
SHARP  POINTERS  AS  TO  THE  BAYONET 

AND  ITS  ILL  USES; 
THE  ADVANTAGES  OF  SMOKELESS  POWDER 

OVER  CIGARETTE  LYDDITE; 

THE  WAY  TO  AVOID    BEING    CAPTURED,  AND 

HOW  NEVER  TO  BE  TAKEN  BY  SURPRISE; 

PROOFS  PROVING  THAT  IF  YOU  WALK 

INTO  THE  ENEMY'S  ARMS 

IT  DOES  NOT  DENOTE  AN  AFFECTIONATE 

DISPLAY  OF  WARFARE; 


16  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

SCHEME  FOR  CAPTURING  STAMPEDING 

MULES  WITHOUT 
PUTTING  SALT  ON  THEIR  TAILS. 

"Now,  what  do  you  think  of  that  for  one  reflection?" 
asked  the  Monocle. 

"It's  a  dazzler,"  cried  the  newspaperman. 

"Ah,  my  dear  Mr.  Smart,  a  little  while  ago  you  asked 
of  what  use  I  am.  Now  you  may  have  some  faint  idea. 
You  can  see  I  appreciate  the  military  shortcomings  of  the 
age  for  one  thing,  and  you  must  have  concluded  from  my 
remarks  that  I  am  the  original  devisor  of  a  scheme  that 
would  assure  efficient  generalship  and  glory  for  any  army, 
at  the  same  time  giving  the  editors  the  chance  of  their 
lives.  I  mean  that  in  more  ways  than  one: — First:  A 
public  prominence  and  the  consequent  encumbrance  of  a 
sure  and  steady  income;  and  second:  Immunity  from 
actual  annihilation  while  in  actual  and  active  command." 
(Vehement  cheers  from  the  audience.) 

"Have  you  stopped  to  consider  the  possible,  nay,  prob- 
able, mix-up  there  would  be  on  the  field  of  battle  conse- 
quent upon  the  diversity  and  contradiction  of  orders  com- 
ing from  so  many  sources  of  communication  at  one  and  the 
same  time?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"Now  you  are  questioning  at  random  and  without  that 
inspired  authority  which  in  your  brilliant  calling  is  syn- 
dically  your  own,"  declared  the  Monocle.  "It  is  that  very 
contradiction  and  diversity  of  orders  issued  from  so  many 
and  distinctly  eccentric  and  separate  sources  that  must 
prove  of  inestimable  value  to  the  general  commanding  the 
forces." 

"I  am  not  quite  clear  on  that  point,"  said  the  newspaper- 
man, much  perplexed. 

"Not   quite   clear!"   echoed   the  irrepressible  Monocle 


REJECTED  17 

with  a  touch  of  disdain  in  its  tone.  "Why,  my  good  sir, 
can't  you  see  the  advantage  at  a  glance?" 

"Could  I  see  through  the  same  glass  as  yourself  I  might 
then  discover  the  advantage;  as  it  is,  I  must  leave  you  to 
explain/' 

"Then,  sir,  as  I  before  said,  the  advantage  to  the  army 
would  rest  entirely  in  the  contradiction  of  orders  emanating 
from  the  learned  editors.  The  orders  from  those  gentlemen 
would  be  received  on  the  battle-field  thick  and  fast.  No 
two  orders  would  be  alike,  and  as  quickly  received  and 
given  so  the  force  would  act.  Movements  would  necessarily 
be  of  the  most  eccentrically  what-are-you-going-to-do-next 
description;  for  instance:  If  one  editor  were  to  wire  to 
move  the  men  forward  in  solid  body  while  another  wired 
retreat,  and  another  advised  a  right-flank  movement,  and 
another  ordered  a  march  in  open  order  and  a  charge  to  the 
north;  while  others  wired  to  attack  on  the  south,  the  east 
and  west,  don't  you  see  that  the  enemy  would  become  so 
dazed,  so  perplexed  and  so  rattled,  as  it  were,  at  the  vari- 
ous movements,  that  they  wouldn't  know  what  to  do  be- 
cause not  knowing  what  you  are  going  to  do  ?" 

The  reporter  reflectively  scratched  his  head. 

"The  present  mode  of  warfare  is  a  farce !"  screeched  the 
Monocle.  "A  knows  what  B  is  going  to  do !  He  is  watch- 
ing him  and  is  quite  positive  he  will  come  on  in  this  direc- 
tion or  that.  But  if  B  makes  a  thousand  different  moves 
through  a  thousand  different  orders  from  a  thousand  differ- 
ent editors,  A  will  become  so  jarred  that  he  won't  know 
where  he's  at.  Talk  about  the  famous  charge  of  the  Light 
Brigade,  the  idealized  Six  Hundred,  with  cannons  to  right 
of  them,  cannons  to  left  of  them,  cannons  in  front  of  them 
and  behind  them!  Pshaw!  All  that  would  fade  as  an 
achievement  of  the  very  pleasant  past,  while  the  war  plan 
which  I  formulate,  or,  I  should  say,  which  the  editors 
would  direct,  would  mean  cannons  simultaneously  on  top 

17-2 


18  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

and  away  from  them,  bayonets  piercing  and  unpiercing, 
stampedes  and  charges,  no  sooner  would  a  thing  be  done 
than  it  would  be  undone;  marches  commenced  and  halted, 
cannons  made  to  roar,  then  muzzled,  no  relaxation,  shells 
sent  whizzing  right,  left  and  all  directions,  on,  on !  Move- 
ments continued  with  increasing  vigor,  retreats  and 
charges,  charges  and  retreats  pell  mell,  then  re-charges,  out- 
flanking, into  the  trenches,  out  again,  charges  up  the  moun- 
tain side  and  retreat  to  make  a  flanking  movement,  then 
a  charge  up  the  mountain  to  the  summit  and  down  again, 
the  while  pouring  volleys  of  bullets  and  balls  into  the 
enemy.  None  must  stop  but  scatter,  scatter,  scatter,  tangle 
and  untangle,  shoot  fire,  thunder,  thrust,  pierce  and  slash 
until  the  enemy,  or  what  is  left  of  them,  are  worn  out  with 
thinking." 

The  reporter  took  a  deep  breath  and  still  reflectively 
scratched  his  head. 

"As  far  as  I  can  see,"  suggested  Mr.  Smart,  "it  would  be 
all  higgledy-piggledy." 

"Good!"  cried  the  Monocle,  "you  have  itl  Mix  up  the 
army  higgledy-piggledy  and  the  enemy  must  be  gloriously 
outwitted!" 

"Outwitted,"  agreed  the  reporter.  "That's  exactly  what 
might  be  expected  from  editorial  orders — Outwitted!" 

The  interview  ended  there  and  the  reporter  went  out 
into  the  open  air  still  reflectively  scratching  his  head. 

When  Mr.  Smart  returned  to  the  editorial  sanctum  there 
was  a  war-like  discussion,  when  the  Editor-in-Chief  was 
heard  to  say,  "Outwitted!  Hem!  Outwitted  the  enemy! 
Tush !  The  Monocle  has  outwitted  you,  sir,  and  since  you 
could  not  bring  in  a  decent  interview  with  the  distinguished 
visitor,  from  this  instant  there  is  a  vacancy,  sir,  on  the  staff 
of  The  Daily  Inflated." 


REJECTED  INTERVIEW  II.— (Irrelevant.) 

THE  MONOCLE  PERPLEXES  MR.  BULLDOZER. 
TAKES  A  FIRM  STAND  AGAINST  THE  USE 
OF  HYPODERMIC  INJECTIONS  OF  MOR- 
PHINE AND  LAYS  THE  BLAME  OF 
THEIR  TOO  FREQUENT  AND 
OFTEN  UNNECESSARY  USE 
TO  THE  DOCTORS. 

The  unfortunate  reporter  having  proved  his  inability  to 
bring  in  the  desired  interview  with  the  Monocle  as  to  its 
impressions  of  the  United  States  of  America,  their  Na- 
tional, State  and  Civic  Governments  and  the  Statue  of 
Liberty,  the  Editor-in-Chief  the  following  morning  as- 
signed the  dapper  Mr.  John  Henry  Bulldozer  to  the  task  of 
drawing  from  the  visitor  at  least,  as  he  said,  a  sane  talk,  a 
comprehensive  talk,  that  would  be  esteemed  by  the  six  mill- 
ion daily  readers  of  The  Daily  Inflated. 

Bulldozer  had  been  on  the  distinguished  journal  some 
years  and  had  gained  the  confidence  of  the  outside  world 
as  well  as  the  entire  approval  of  those  of  the  sacred  sanctum 
of  The  Daily  Inflated.  Indeed,  so  wrapped  up  was  Bull- 
dozer in  the  inner  workings  of  social  life  and  so  apt  was 
every  one  to  confide  in  him  that  he  was  known  to  his  as- 
sociates and  colleagues  as  "the  confidence  man." 

It  mattered  little  to  Bulldozer  whether  politician  or 
patriot,  social  despot  or  the  moneyed  magnate,  archbishop 
or  deacon,  vestryman  or  verger,  or  matron  or  spinster,  he 
would  succeed,  if  on  an  errand  for  his  paper,  in  obtaining 
an  interview.  If  refused,  he  would  sternly  remind  the 
party  having  the  temerity  to  deny  him,  that  he  had  no 


20  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

desire  to  print  a  garbled  version  of  the  story  as  had  been 
told  him  second  hand,  therefore,  'twere  better  to  get  the 
facts  from  the  fountain  head — unpolluted  and  clear.  Who 
would  have  refused  the  reporter  an  interview  after  pre- 
senting so  equitable  and  philosophical  an  argument? 

Bulldozer  called  upon  the  Monocle.  He  gave  his  card 
to  a  pompous  clerk  at  the  desk  of  the  hotel  and  the  pomp- 
ous clerk  forthwith  sent  it  to  the  Monocle  through  the 
hands  and  by  the  grace  of  an  ultra-pompous  boy  in  but- 
tons. 

The  Monocle  consented  to  see  Mr.  Bulldozer. 

"I  thought/'  said  the  Monocle,  after  the  usual  courtesies 
had  been  exchanged,  "that  a  representative  of  The  Inflated 
interviewed  me  yesterday." 

"Quite  so/'  replied  Mr.  Bulldozer.  "Quite  so;  but  we 
fear  he  hadn't  you  quite  right.  His  matter,  instead  of 
dealing  with  your  valued  opinion  of  the  United  States  of 
America,  their  National  and  Civic  Governments  and  the 
Statue  of  Liberty,  merely  credited  you  with  a  wild  and  ex- 
travagant account  of  some  war-like  suggestions  which  we 
feared  were  the  result  of  a  brain,  his  brain,  which,  last 
summer,  suffered  from  a  sunstroke." 

"That  interview,  sir,  I  gave,  and  as  I  havp.  never  ex- 
perienced a  sunstroke  I  conclude  that  my  utterances  were 
perfectly  sound  and  normal,"  replied  the  Monocle.  "You 
have  done  your  colleague  an  injustice.  Can't  he  be  re- 
instated?" 

"No,  sir.  He's  a  disappointment.  That  being  so,  may 
I  ask  you  now  for  any  conclusions  you,  of  course,  have 
come  to  concerning  these  United  States  of  America,  their 
National  and  Civic  Governments  and  the  Statue  of  Lib- 
erty?" 

"Don't  you  think  it  would  be  rather  premature?"  asked 
the  Monocle.  "I  have  really  had  so  little  time  to  look  over 
your  continent  in  the  twenty-four  hours  I  have  been  here." 


f  OF  THE 

UNIVERSITY 


21 

"You  have  been  on  the  soil  of  the  Free  and  in  the  home 
of  the  Brave  long  enough  to  form  an  opinion,"  the  news- 
paperman answered  with  an  air  of  sublime  authority  and 
swelling  pride;  "and,"  he  continued,  "you  know  how  much 
your  views  would  be  relished  by  the  six  and  one-half  mill- 
ion readers  of  The  Daily  Morning  Inflated." 

"I  understood  yesterday  that  your  circulation  was  but 
six  million,"  said  the  Monocle. 

"The  strides  of  The  Daily  Morning  Inflated  outpace  any- 
thing else  in  the  world,  sir.  It  jumped  a  half  million  yes- 
terday," declared  the  newspaperman  with  a  severe  and  an- 
tagonistically stern  air  which  might  have  upset  the  equilib- 
rium of  any  other  but  the  Monocle. 

"You  don't  hypo  ?"  asked  the  Monocle,  looking  at  the  re- 
porter with  a  doubtful  glance. 

"Hypo?"  repeated  the  newspaperman.  "What  do  you 
mean  by  hypo?" 

"Pardon  my  abbreviating,"  replied  the  Monocle;  "I 
caught  it  in  the  atmosphere.  I  ought  to  have  said,  you  do 
not  hypodermic?" 

"Hypodermic !"  interrupted  Bulldozer  with  a  disdainful 
toss  of  the  head  which  resembled  the  attitude  of  a  horse 
suddenly  pulled  up  by  the  curb.  "A  most  extraordinary 
suggestion  I  am  sure,"  put  in  Bulldozer. 

"Possibly  so,"  agreed  the  Monocle.  "Many  things  are 
extraordinary  in  these  days ;  indeed,  it  is  an  extraordinary 
period.  While  there  is  much  common  sense  floating  around, 
yet  the  world  is  being  deluged  with  blithering  imbeciles — 
with  the  irresponsibles  and  impossibles.  But  first  let  me 
say  that  when  I  suggested  the  probable  use  of  the  needle  in 
your  case,  it  was  owing  to  that  half  million  jump  in  the 
circulation  of  The  Inflated.  Yes,  I  saw  in  your  assertion 
the  eccentricity  and  extravagance  that  I  have  before  ob- 
served emanating  from  a  brain  under  the  power  of  some 
foreign  influence." 


22  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

"Then  you  question  my  statement?"  put  in  the  news- 
paperman with  anger.  "Remember,  sir,  there  is  nothing 
too  great  for  The  Inflated  to  accomplish.  But  I  am  here 
not  to  argue  but  to  ascertain  your  view  on  these  United 
States  of  America,  their  National  and  Civic  Governments 
and  the  Statue  of  Liberty !" 

"Yes,  yes,"  interrupted  the  Monocle,  "having,  by  asser- 
tion and  declaration  prompted  me  on  a  subject  of  live  im- 
portance— the  use  of  narcotics  and  all  it  implies,  I,  with 
your  permission,  would  like  to  say  a  few  words  on  the  mo- 
mentous question." 

The  newspaperman  attempted  to  speak  but  the  Monocle 
denied  him  the  privilege. 

"On  my  travels,"  commenced  the  Monocle,  "I  have  met 
other  dreamers " 

"If  you  insinuate  that  I  am  a  dreamer,  sir,"  interrupted 
Bulldozer  once  more 

"Tut,  tut,"  interrupted  the  Monocle  in  turn  and  with 
a  fine  show  of  superior  authority;  "tut,  tut,  young  man. 
again  I  repeat  that  on  my  travels  I  have  met  other  dream- 
ers, those,  my  boy,  whose  mental  extravagances  and  eccen- 
tricities are  due,  alone,  to  the  use,  one  way  or  the  other, 
of  hellish  drugs.  I  have  gathered  data  of  a  most  startling, 
if  not  revolting,  nature.  I  find  then  that  there  is  a  growing 
crime — a  wrong  that  is  eating  into  and  sapping  the  mental 
powers,  reducing  the  glorious  strength  of  body  and  mind, 
threatening  future  generations,  a  habit  that  is  weeding 
out  from  society  many  of  its  best,  a  pernicious  and  mur- 
derous enemy,  a  creepy,  ugly  thing,  that  should  be  arrested 
and  sentenced  to  disuse  without  delay — I  mean,  my  dear 
Mr.  Bulldozer,  the  indiscriminate  use  of  the  hypodermic 
injection,  the  opiates  prescribed  by  many  gentlemen  of  the 
medical  profession  in  instances  where  they  should  never  be 
given.  I  have  heard  women  cry  for  the  insidious  needle 
to  alleviate  the  most  common  and  easily  treated  physical 


REJECTED  23 

pains,  and  why?  Because,  in  nine  cases  out  of  twelve  the 
medical  practitioner  humors  his  patient  to  the  use  of  the 
brain-destroying  serpent,  and  the  habit  grows,  my  dear 
Bulldozer,  until  the  most  trivial  excuse  is  given  for  its 
use.  How  many  are  there  now  who  are  complete  mental 
wrecks  through  that  abuse?  No,  you  don't  know.  Of 
course  you  don't.  The  use  of  the  needle  is  so  prevalent  to- 
day that  thousands  having  become  acquainted  with  the 
mode  of  administering  the  jab,  in  their  privacy,  actually, 
and  with  consummate  skill,  use  it  upon  themselves.  But 
let  me  say  in  fairness  to  the  conservative  practitioner,  that 
I  have  known  many  of  them  to  refuse,  point  blank,  to  give 
the  sought-for  'jab/  and  to  deplore  its  use  and  the  craving 
for  it  where  it  has  grown  into  a  habit.  And  I  have  heard 
those  same  conservative  practitioners  condemn  the  skilless 
medical  men  who  have  needlessly  accustomed  their  patients 
to  its  use.  Yes,  my  dear  Bulldozer,  it  is  a  notorious  fact 
that  the  hypodermic  injection  of  morphine  is  actually  ad- 
ministered just  to  please  the  patient.  When  it  becomes 
an  appetite,  a  craving  grown  from  the  initial  indiscreet  and 
needless  administrations,  the  future  of  the  victim  is  terribly 
dark." 

"My  dear  Monocle"  ventured  the  newspaperman,  "I  am 
with  you  on  this  subject  and  I,  too,  deplore  the  growing  evil 
you  illustrate,  but  I  came  on  an  errand  involving  a  very  dif- 
ferent subject — your  view " 

"Mr.  Bulldozer,"  interrupted  the  Monocle,  "you  can  see 
the  importance  of  my  remarks  and  the  caution  they  are 
intended  to  convey.  We  must  all  deplore  this  growing 
abuse,  a  crime  that  is  taking  a  far-spreading  root ;  indeed, 
it  has,  I  fear,  already  borne  seed  that  threatens  disaster 
by  undermining  the  foundation  upon  which  rests  the  life 
of  many  a  good  soul." 

"Noble  sentiments  I  am  sure,"  said  Mr.  Bulldozer,  "but 
what  opinion  have  you  formed  about  these  United  States 


24  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

of  America,  their  National  and  Civic  Governments  and  the 
Statue  of  Liberty?  That  is  the  question,"  declared  the 
newspaperman. 

"And  let  me  warn  those  who  are  dangerously  near  the 
edge  of  the  precipice,"  continued  the  Monocle,  "those  who 
are  on  the  verge  of  trundling  down  into  the  gaping,  ugly, 
forbidding  chasm;  let  me  warn  such  of  their  ultimate  fate 
— one  of  pitiable  mental  destruction !  And  the  worst  of  all 
is  the  dangerous  influence  of  the  cjab?  fiend,  who  readily 
makes,  and  apparently  lives  to  make,  fiends  of  others,  in- 
viting those  who  are  strangers  to  the  use  of  the  injection 
to  try  it — consequently,  from  the  pupil  grows  the  adept. 
You  would  ask  me  what  remedy  I  have  to  meet  the  evil. 
The  remedy,  Mr.  Bulldozer,  rests  with  those  who  in  the 
first  place,  or  instance,  employ  the  drug  as  a  means  of  allay- 
ing a  pain  that  could  be  relieved  by  agencies  which  are 
harmless,  though,  possibly,  slower  in  giving  the  relief 
needed.  It  is  the  too  ready  use  of  the  hypodermic  injec- 
tion that  we  must  deplore.  It  is  used  in  trivial  cases  and 
in  trivial  cases  it  should  never  be  resorted  to.  In  this  opin- 
ion every  medical  man  of  repute  will  coincide.  At  any 
rate  it  is  a  question  of  much  moment  and  a  matter,  too, 
that  should  be  threshed  out  in  the  assemblies  of  the  sons 
of  Aesculapius.  I^t  me  say  here  that  those  medical  men 
who  unnecessarily  administer  opiates,  are  just  as  deserving 
of  public  censure  and  discipline  as  the  gentleman  behind 
the  bar  who  continues  to  concoct  strong  beverages  for  his 
customer,  when  he  knows  that  every  extra  drink  is  tending 
to  make  a  beastly  drunkard  of  him." 

In  spite  of  Mr.  Bulldozer's  polite,  if  energetic  efforts  to 
get  a  word  in  edgewise,  the  Monocle  retired  with  a  dig- 
nified "Good  night!"  Not  deigning  to  take  the  plebeian 
elevator  the  Monocle  took  to  the  stairs  instead  and  soon 
found  itself  in  its  own  apartments.  Bulldozer  was  for  once 
nonplused.  As  he  watched  the  retreating  steps  of  the 


REJECTED  25 

Monocle  a  harsh,  utterance  issued  from  his  lips  which  rather 
indicated  his  disappointment. 

"There  is  no  use  my  manipulating  an  interview/'  said  he 
to  himself  as  he  journeyed  toward  the  office,  "for  if  I  did  so 
it  would  only  be  contradicted  in  The  High-Strung  Lyre." 

Needless  to  say,  the  editorial  department  of  The  Daily 
Inflated  acted  decidedly  grumpy  when  Bulldozer  admitted 
his  inability  to  draw  out  from  the  Monocle  the  much 
sought  interview.  Bulldozer,  the  cherished  hope  of  The 
Inflated,  had  at  last  failed.  Every  man  meets  his  Water- 
loo some  day  or  other.  Hoping  to  soothe  his  angered  chief 
he  handed  in  copy  bearing  on  the  Monocle's  opinion  on  the 
too  prevalent  and  criminal  use  of  the  hypodermic  injection, 
but  the  astonished  editors  only  looked  at  him  askance,  and, 
with  pity,  muttered,  "I  wonder  what  number  green  pill  he 
takes." 


EEJECTED  INTERVIEW  III.— (Inexplicable.) 

THE  MONOCLE  IS  STILL  OBSTINATE  AND  DIS- 
CUSSES MOTHER-IN-LAW  INSTEAD  OF  THE 
U.    S.    A.— THE    REPORTER,    SORELY 

TRIED,  DISMISSED  IN  DISGRACE. 

I 

The  editors  looked  wisely  doubtful  at  Bulldozer  from  that 
fatal  moment.  Bulldozer,  their  pet,  Bulldozer,  their  stand- 
by, Bulldozer,  their  reportorial  wonder,  had  met  a  set-back ! 
"Had  he  really  given  himself  up  to  the  use  and  abuse  of  a 
drug?"  they  asked  themselves.  "Had  he  succumbed  to  the 
pernicious  'dope/  and,  in  short,  was  it  possible  that  he  had 
made  an  egregious  ass  of  himself  ?" 

"Bulldozer  shall  have  an  opportunity  to  retrieve  his  lost 
laurels,"  suggested  the  news-editor. 

"I  quite  agree  to  that,"  said  the  chief  editor. 

And  John  Henry  Bulldozer,  really  innocent  of  wrong, 
upright  as  ever,  absolutely  free  from  vice  of  any  kind, 
dapper,  shrewd,  reliable,  persistent  John  Henry  was  hence- 
forth to  work  under  six  pair  of  compassionate  and  tenderly 
watchful  eyes,  eyes  that  had  for  years  beamed  upon  him 
with  confidence,  with  gratitude  and  pride,  and  with  a 
regard  that  was  sublimely  paternal.  Yes,  the  editors  were 
convinced  in  their  own  minds  that  the  morphine  craze  had 
clearly  got  into  the  pride  of  The  Inftated's  reportorial  staff, 
and  that  he,  in  his  dreamy  moments,  while  under  its  in- 
fluence, had  concocted  a  story  relating  to  the  terrible  drug, 
and,  what  was  worse,  that  John  Henry  had  libelously  at- 
tributed the  weird  interview  to  so  great  and  upright  a 
visitor  to  the  free  shores  of  the  United  States  as  the  ex- 
clusive Monocle;  thus  placing  the  commercial  gentleman 


REJECTED  27 

who  backed  The  Inflated  in  jeopardy  of  a  suit  for  a  stupen- 
dous sum.  Therefore,  it  was  with  no  little  fear,  having  got 
the  idea  fixed  in  their  infallible  editorial  heads,  that  they 
allowed  Bulldozer  one  more  chance.  They  even  went  so  far 
as  to  consult  an  eminent  medical  expert  on  brain  disorders, 
with  the  object,  of  course,  of  examining  John  Henry  as  to 
his  mental  condition.  This  action  the  martyr  resented  but 
in  order  to  hold  his  position,  and  being  sure  that  the  doc- 
tor would  report  in  his  favor,  he  consented.  At  the  time 
the  doctor  called  to  see  Bulldozer,  it  was  unfortunate  for 
him  that  he  had  just  come  out  of  a  wordy  battle  with  his 
landlady,  who  had  demanded  of  him  a  small  sum  due  her 
for  room,  board,  laundry  and  a  few  more  similar  trifles. 
Bulldozer  had  grown  white  with  rage  through  her  per- 
emptory demand  for  what  was  justly  due  her.  In  this 
condition,  the  wise  expert  unfortunately  caught  him,  and. 
without  prior  or  subsequent  knowledge  of  the  righteous 
cause  for  his  excitable  and  demonstrative  anger,  made  a 
report  to  the  aforesaid  editors  quite  unfavorable  to  him. 
The  doctor  declared  that  he  found  Bulldozer's  pulse  high, 
very  high;  pupils  of  the  eyes  dilated,  abnormally  dilated; 
skin  moist,  very  moist ;  hands  clammy,  sticky  and  clammy, 
and  his  state  generally,  highly  and  sensitively  nervous. 
Bulldozer,  declared  the  learned  physician,  was  unques- 
tionably under  the  influence  of  some  foreign  mental  dis- 
turbing agent  and  he  regretted,  deeply  regretted,  after  a 
careful  examination,  to  report  that  the  fears  of  the  editors 
were  warranted.  But  John  Henry  Bulldozer  attended  the 
assignment  and  once  more  sent  his  card  to  the  Monocle. 
and  once  more  an  audience  was  granted. 

The  meeting,  so  far  as  the  Monocle  was  concerned,  was 
extremely  cordial;  while  Bulldozer,  on  the  other  hand, 
evinced  a  sullenness  altogether  out  of  keeping  with  his 
usual  manner. 


28  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

"I  have  come  for  that  interview,"  snapped  Bulldozer.  "I 
want  your  views  of  these  United  States  of  America;  your 
opinion  as  to  her  vast  territory  and  her  governments,  both 
National,  State  and  Civic;  not  forgetting  the  Statue  of 
Liberty." 

"Very  kind  of  you,  indeed,"  replied  the  Monocle,  "to  put 
yourself  out  so  much.  I  am  deeply  indebted  to  you  for 
such  consideration." 

The  newspaperman  showed  much  irritation. 

"I  looked  through  your  columns  this  morning  but  failed 
to  find  a  word  of  the  interview  I  gave  you  yesterday,"  said 
the  Monocle. 

"You  surely  didn't  expect  to  see  that  matter  reported?" 
asked  the  newspaperman  with  contempt  plainly  visible  on 
the  curve  of  his  upper  lip. 

"I  really  expected  nothing,"  replied  the  Monocle.  "YoUj 
I  think  it  was  who  expected." 

"And  got  left,"  admitted  the  sagacious  newspaperman,  at 
the  same  time  showing  an  unwonted  impatience. 

Bulldozer  now  took  from  his  pocket  a  roll  of  copy  paper, 
and  sitting  forward  in  his  chair,  pointed  the  sharp  point  of 
a  pencil  at  the  Monocle,  as  though  he  had  only  to  say,  "Hi ! 
Presto !"  and  magically  reveal  its  opinion  to  the  expectant 
public. 

The  Monocle  was  not  what  one  might  term  blase;  yet 
there  was  a  collected,  nonchalant,  reposeful  air  about  it 
fhat  plainly  indicated  its  objection  to  be  bored. 

"What  was  your  first  impression  upon  your  arrival  in 
New  York?"  asked  the  newspaperman,  the  pencil  now 
pointed  directly  on  the  roll  of  paper  with  the  object  of  ac- 
curately recording  the  valued  first  impression. 

"I  don't  know  whether  you  have  remarked  it,"  com- 
menced the  Monocle,  quite  ignoring  the  question,  "but 
lovely  woman  is  making  great  strides  in  the  world;  such 


REJECTED  29 

strides,  indeed,  as  to  be  actually  walking  all  over  poor,  be- 
nighted man." 

Mr.  Bulldozer's  patience  was  now  almost  exhausted. 
Would  he  ever  get  the  desired  interview  by  fair  means  or 
must  he  choke,  literally  choke,  the  Monocle  into  submis- 
sion? Such  were  the  ante-bellum  thoughts  which  beat  a 
tattoo  on  his  f  orensically  anxious  brain. 

"Your  impressions  on  approaching  the  Battery  were " 

"Woman,"  interrupted  the  Monocle,  "is  said  to  be  the 
loveliest  of  all  creation,  and  I'm  with  those  who  think  so, 
who  know  so  and  who  so  declare." 

"When  you  arrived  at  the  pier,  did  the  deputation ?" 

"She  may  be  dependent  upon  the  man,"  interrupted  the 
Monocle,  "whose  name  she  has  condescended  to  adopt,  yet 
in  her  conversation,  her  public  speeches  and  outward  de- 
meanor, what  a  glorious,  Fourth-of-July  Independence  she 
shows  to  the  world!  The  idea  of  woman  is  suggested  to 
my  mind,  by  Mr.  Bartholdi's  Statue  of  Liberty.  It  seems 
to  me  that  woman  today  is  broader  than  ever,  and  stands 
out  so  prominently  as  actually  to  dwarf  all  else  on  the 
civilized  globe.  Now,  my  dear  Mr.  Bulldozer,  she  accepts 
an  income  from  her  hubby  not  for  what  the  income  can 
furnish  and  unfurnish,  but  simply  as  a  right,  and  right 
she  is  every  time." 

"Will  you  tell  me  how  this  country  compares ?" 

"And,"  continued  the  Monocle,  "if  she  chooses  to  add  to 
the  fixtures  of  your  household  the  very  ample  and  invari- 
ably docile  domestic  pet,  the  Mother-in-law,  who  should 
or  dare,  say  'Nay'  to  her?  Woman's  sphere  is  to-day  the 
power,  whichever  way  you  look  at  it." 

"From  what  you  have  seen,  do  you  favor  a  Eepublic  or  a 

Mon ?" 

"And,  my  dear  sir,"  still  continued  the  Monocle,  "why 
should  there  exist  a  prejudice  against  the  inevitable  and 
watchful  mother-in-law  ?  She  is,  you  must  admit,  brimful 


30  INTERVIEWS   WITH  A  MONOCLE 

of  solicitude  for  the  child  she  has  given  into  the  keeping 
of  brutal  man;  and  she,  having  gone  through  it  all,  can 
give  her  daughter  points,  without  which,  the  young  woman 
would,  of  course,  be  sublimely  happy  in  her  matrimonial 
partnership." 

"Have  you,  in  your  country,  political  despots;  or,  as  we 
here  call  them,  that  is,  in  the  States,  'political  bosses  ?' y' 
asked  the  newspaperman,  who,  not  having  been  able  to  get 
a  reply  so  far,  was  commencing  to  show  an  inclination  to- 
wards nervous  prostration. 

"I,  for  one,  and  though  I  may  stand  alone,  favor  mother- 
in-law/3  declared  the  Monocle.  "The  lady,  by  virtue  of 
her  relationship  to  her  daughter's  matrimonial  partner,  can 
bring,  and  can  talk  more  law  than  a  dozen  Philadelphia 
lawyers  put  together;  hence  the  proper  designation, 
'Mother-in-law  P  She,  if  she  deems  it  necessary,  advises 
separation  with  an  accompanying  alimony,  or  divorce  with 
the  same  appendix-healing  balm;  which,  I  may  say,  has 
no  relationship  whatever  to  the  vermiform  appendix;  the 
money-form  appendix  being  of  another  family,  and  one 
that  requires  a  peculiar  operation,  when  excision  is 
deemed  necessary.  There  must,  my  dear  Mr.  Bulldozer,  be 
a  head  to  all  governments;  and  the  head  of  the  household 
government  could  not  be  in  more  forcible  hands  than  those 
of  mother-in-law!  She's  a  wonder,  sir;  a  complete,  com- 
plex, enigmatical  wonder,  whether  in  the  civilized  world, 
or  in  the  yet  untamed  land  of  the  cannibal." 

"Do  you  believe  in  this  country  expanding,  otherwise 
colonizing ?" 

"Which  reminds  me  of  an  incident,"  interrupted  the 
Monocle  once  more,  "that  happened  during  a  visit  to  the 
interior  of  Fiji,  where  I  had  the  privilege  of  meeting  King 
Cocoa  of  the  tribe  of  Mugwumpies." 

"How  did  the  reception  of  the  Boer  envoys  by ?" 


REJECTED  31 

"His  Majesty,"  went  on  the  Monocle,  cutting  Mr.  Bull- 
dozer decisively  and  shortly,  "His  Majesty  had  left  his 
council  chamber  at  the  moment  of  my  arrival,  and  follow- 
ing in  his  wake  was  a  fleshy  lady,  whose  age  could  not  be 
seen  through  the  darkness  of  her  skin.  She  was  pleading 
to  His  Gracious  Majesty,  but  in  vain.  In  a  short  while,  a 
score  of  lusty,  mahogany-fleshed  warriors  escorted  her  to  be- 
neath two  exceeding  tall  and  skeleton-formed  trees.  In  a 
jiffy,  two  of  the  stalwarts  climbed  to  the  top  of  the  trees, 
and  lowered  two  hempen  ropes.  With  great  expedition  and 
little  demonstration,  albeit  delicate  care,  those  below  twined 
the  ropes  around  the  arms  and  feet  of  the  lady  in  question. 
She  was  tenderly  hauled  up  to  and  placed  in  a  rude  hut 
which  was  planked  and  held  between  the  trees.  'An  ex- 
traordinary ceremony,'  I  thought;  and  in  reply  the  gentle 
missionary,  who  was  by  my  side,  said:  clt  is  no  use  at  all 
my  attempting  to  chide  the  king.  He  will  have  his  way  in 
spite  of  all  civilizing  efforts.  That  poor  woman  is  His 
Ma jesty's  mother-in-law/  The  explanation  is  very  simple : 
Last  night  the  king  held  a  pow-pow,  and,  what  in  the 
language  of  the  Mugwumpies  is  called  a  jamboree.  The 
feast  consisted  of  all  that  was  most  sumptuous — from  a 
cannibal  standpoint.  The  captain  and  the  unfortunate 
crew  of  a  sunken  vessel  had  floated  to  land  on  kegs  of  rum. 
You  can  understand  the  results.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that  the 
king  returned  to  his  palace  in  a  condition  bordering  on 
overfeeding  and  intoxication  combined.  Forthwith  he  at- 
tempted to,  indeed,  did  actually  chaff  his  solicitous  spouse ; 
whereupon  his  mother-in-law,  indignant  beyond  all  bear- 
ing, did  chide  him  much.  She  is  now  banished  beyond  all 
reach  and  succor  other  than  that  which  will  be  mercifully 
delivered  up  to  her  by  His  Majesty's  attendants  on  sev- 
eral occasions  during  the  day.  But  she  is  denied  com- 
munication with  the  earth,  and  must  needs  pass  the  re- 
mainder of  her  days  up  in  an  aerial  altitude,  below  which 


32  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

her  influences  cannot  be  felt.  She  is  not  even  allowed  a 
megaphone  I39 

By  this  time,  Mr.  John  Henry  Bulldozer's  face  presented 
the  appearance  of  a  window  pane  in  a  hot-house — beads  of 
perspiration  trickled  down  it,  and  played  a  game  of  chase 
thereon.  He  despaired  of  ever  being  able  to  engage  the 
Monocle  in  the  talk  he  had  suggested.  "Had  he,"  he  asked 
himself,  'lost  his  grip  on  mankind  ?"  Tush,  tushing  such 
an  idea,  he  decided  to  pursue  his  inquiries. 

"Will  you,  my  dear  Monocle,  kindly  give  me  your  opin- 
ion on  our  Trusts  and  our  so-called  Monopolies  ?" 

"A  mother-in-law  is  a  trust  and  a  monopoly;  for  you 
have  to  trust  her  whether  you  like  it  or  not.  She's  a 
monopoly,  sir,  whether  you  like  it  or  not,  for  she  takes  upon 
herself  the  right  and  privilege  of  dictatorship.  If  you  don't 
believe  it,  get  married — have  a  mother-in-law  thrown  in, 
and  doubt  her  authority,  and  see  where  you'll  land.  You'll 
disappear  from  view  as  quickly  as  if  you  had  ventured  upon 
a  quicksand.  Mother-in-law  is  an  ornament  among  your 
household  fixtures,"  continued  the  Monocle,  evidently  warm- 
ing up  to  the  subject.  "She  gives  your  hearth  the  semb- 
lance of  solidity.  How  so?  I'll  tell  you.  Just  drop  to 
your  butcher,  your  baker  or  your  candle-stick  maker,  that 
mother-in-law  (never  omit  the  cin-law')  is  a  member  of 
your  household  and  you'll  get  substantial,  unlimited,  easy 
credit,  and  why  ?  Because  your  butcher  and  your  baker  and 
candle-stick  maker  are  alive  to  the  fact  that  no  mother-in- 
law  would  dally  an  instan't  in  the  limited  or  larderless 
household  of  an  impecunious  son-in-law!  She  is,  how- 
ever, no  different  from  the  rest  of  the  world  in  preferring 
palaces,  mansions  and  Italian  villas  with  their  accom- 
panying luxuries  and  wealth  of  surrounding.  I  have  had 
a  few  mothers-in-law,  and,  speaking  from  experience,  I 
can  say  of  her  that  she  is  a  wonder !  I  wouldn't  be  with- 
out one.  On  all  matters  domestic  she's  a  cellar-to-roof  en- 


REJECTED  33 

cyclopedia !  Ask  anyone  who  is  blessed  with  one.  She 
knows  how  to  arrange,  distribute,  disburse,  dismantle, 
build,  wreck,  piece  (do  not  read  this  Peace),  patch,  dash, 
smash,  veneer,  domineer,  demand,  subdue,  imbue  and  make 
the  very  household  creak,  shake,  tremble  from  the  founda- 
tion up !  She  offers  to  advise  and  devise ;  plot  and  plan, 
and,  as  she  says,  all  for  the  best.  For  instance :  If  you  are 
permitted  the  blessing  of  a  couple  or  so  of  infants,  she, 
mother-in-law,  can,  I  should  say,  will,  advise  as  to  their 
training;  indeed,  at  the  risk  of  a  wholesale  upset,  will  take, 
or  attempt  to  take,  by  threat  or  force,  that  matter  into  her 
own  hands.  You  haven't  a  word  to  say  in  that  trivial  affair, 
any  more  than  in  any  other  domestic  controversy.  She 
releases  you  from  worry  on  that  score,  and,  upon  my  honor, 
you  ought  to  be  much  obliged.  She's  a  brick  !  If  you  sug- 
gest the  employment  of  a  fair  typewriter  or  a  dark  type- 
writer, a  sallow  typewriter  or  any  complexion  of  a  type- 
writer, in  your  office,  mother-in-law  will  show  your  wife, 
her  daughter,  the  inadvisability  of  employing  the  lady. 
Why?  For  the  very  simple  reason,  that  being  of  a  saving 
nature,  she  thinks  one  lady  in  the  family  quite  enough.  If 
your  wife,  her  daughter,  complains  to  her  of  any  inatten- 
tion on  your  part,  she  elects  herself  arbiter,  and  gives  her 
final  decision  against  you,  no  matter  how  much  in  the  right 
you  may  prove  yourself  to  be.  You  must  yield — YIELD ! 
And  since  there  is  no  higher  court  to  take  it  to,  unless  it  is 
the  divorce  court  (a  retreat  very  much  frequented  of  late 
years),  the  only  thing  left  you  to  do,  is  to  throw  up  the 
sponge.  She  has  you,  my  boy,  on  every  point.  She's  an 
iron-clad  contract.  When  she  puts  her  foot  down,  toe  the 
line!  There's  nothing  else  left  you  to  do.  Just  toe  the 
line!  Don't  attempt  to  perform  any  stunts — she  won't 
stand  for  them.  With  these  few  remarks,  I'll  bid  you  a  very 
good  day." 

33-3 


34  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

And  the  Monocle  disappeared,  leaving  Mr.  Bulldozer 
utterly  nonplused. 

Once  again  he  returned  to  the  editorial  sanctum,  and 
once  again  he  admitted  his  inability  to  interview  the 
Monocle  regarding  these  United  States  of  America,  their 
National  and  Civic  Governments  and  the  Statue  of  Lib- 
erty. 

There  was  a  red  hot  conference  between  Mr.  Bulldozer 
and  his  editors;  whereupon  the  unhappy  reporter  humbly 
ventured  to  remark  that  he  was  prepared  to  write  up  the 
Monocle's  valuable  views  on  mother-in-law.  The  chief, 
thinking  it  all  a  dream,  abruptly  and  finally  dismissed  the 
young  man  from  their  presence. 


EEJECTED  INTERVIEW  IV.— (Illusive.) 

THE  EDITOR-IN-CHIEF  VISITS  THE  MONOCLE, 

HIS  QUESTIONS  DEXTEROUSLY  DODGED 

AND  THE  MONOCLE  GETS  ONTO 

THE  AUTOMOBILE. 

Doubted,  fallen  from  grace,  subjected  to  peremptory  ex- 
pulsion from  the  honored  staff  of  The  Daily  Inflated,  with 
a  stain  on  his  escutcheon  of  one  given  to  the  use  of  opium 
or  morphine,  poor,  misjudged  Bulldozer  retired  to  his  6x4 
room  to  ponder  over  his  shattered  reputation.  Mr.  Eben- 
ezer  Spikem,  the  Editor-in-Chief,  now  determined  to  inter- 
view the  stranger,  and  on  the  morrow,  did  himself  repair 
to  the  palatial  hostelry. 

Mr.  Spikem  met  the  Monocle  just  as  it  was  about  to  leave 
for  a  burr  in  an  automobile.  Placing  his  card  and  himself 
in  front  of  the  visitor  he  begged  for  a  few  moments'  talk. 
The  Monocle,  with  much  gallantry,  bowed  the  august 
editor  to  the  smoking-room  and  became  attentive  and  in- 
terested. 

"I  have  ventured  to  call  upon  you  in  view  of  the  negli- 
gence and  utter  disinterestedness  of  two  of  our  reporters, 
whom  I  venture  to  think,  have  not  even  seen  you;  to  in- 
terview you  and  glean  your  valued  impressions  of  these 
United  States  of  America,  their  National  and  Municipal 
Governments  and  the  Statue  of  Liberty." 

The  Monocle  assured  Mr.  Ebenezer  Spikem  that  it  had 
really  seen  his  representatives.  Mr.  Spikem,  thereupon, 
raised  his  bushy  brows  with  a  co-mingling  of  surprise  and 
sorrow. 


36  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

"This  is,  I  believe,  your  first  visit  to  the  United  States?" 
questioned  Mr.  Spikem. 

"The  use  of  the  automobile  in  your  city  is  a  matter  for 
consideration,"  said  the  Monocle  with  absolute  indifference 
so  far  as  Mr.  Spikem's  question  was  concerned. 

The  editor,  neverthless,  emitted  a  self-satisfied  cough 
and  felt  that  he,  the  Editor-in-Chief  of  The  Daily  Inflated, 
had  at  last  succeeded  in  pinning  the  Monocle  to  something 
tangible. 

"While  comparisons  are  odious,"  said  the  editor,  "I 
should,  nevertheless,  like  you  to  give  me  your  unbiased 
views  on  this  continent  and  inform  the  general  public 
where  we,  in  your  estimation,  excel  over  all  other  countries." 

"As  you  saw,  I  was  just  about  to  take  my  morning  elec- 
tric-propelling. The  question  of  the  hour  is:  'Has  the 
automobile  come  to  remain  V  9: 

"What  first  struck  you  on  your  arrival  ?" 

"A  cable  car,"  promptly  replied  the  Monocle.  "But,  re- 
ferring to  the  subject  of  automobilism,  I  can  but  conclude 
that  the  horse  has  at  last  been  enabled  to  assert  its  vast 
superiority." 

"You,  of  course,  noticed  our  Statue  of  Liberty?"  in- 
quired Mr.  Spikem. 

"Liberty !  What  a  glorious  word,  but  what  a  multitude 
of  crimes  against  humanity  it  protects.  Like  an  umbrella 
in  the  rain,  the  wet  will  bespatter  you  no  matter  how  large 
it  is  and  though  you  live  under  the  sheltering  wings  of 
Liberty,  despotism,  money-despotism,  injustice  and  ras- 
cality will  find  a  way  to  sneak  in  and  contaminate  and  cor- 
rupt and  degrade  and  unidealize.  Eeverting  to  the  auto- 
mobile, it  does  not  say  that  because  I  am  in  one  that  I  favor 
the  mechanical  perambulating  in  preference  to  the  whole- 
some and  invigorating  spin  and  pleasure,  which  result  from 
the  driving  of  a  spanking  team.  Oh,  dear  no !  One  misses 
the  forward  movement  of  a  horse;  the  clicking  of  the 


REJECTED  37 

hoofs;  the  proud  step  and  noble  mien  of  the  handsome 
animal.  Instead,  the  automobile  gives  you  the  impression 
that  you  are  being  sent  along,  whereas  human  nature  loves 
to  be  drawn  along.  It  is  against  man's  will  to  be  shunted, 
as  it  were.  He  doesn't  like  to  be  pushed,  whether  it's  to 
the  wall  or  his  natural  destination.  He  prefers  to  be  led, 
for  man,  since  the  inauguration  of  masculinity,  has  de- 
pended upon  a  leader,  whether  in  domestics,  politics,  society 
or  vehicle.  You  put  an  engine  at  the  rear  end  of  a  train 
and  you  won't  like  it  a  bit.  But  let  that  engine  draw  you 
and  you  are  satisfied.  Put  a  bucket  down  a  well,  and  it 
would  kick  if  it  were  pushed  up  instead  of  being  drawn 
up.  That  same  bucket  would,  certainly,  rebel  against  any 
such  proceeding,  were  it  attempted.  It  is  the  natural  in- 
clination of  everything  and  everybody  to  be  drawn,  as  much 
as  it  is  to  draw  your  breath.  A  dentist  would  never  think 
of  pushing  out  a  tooth — he  draws  it !  The  banker  expects 
you  to  draw — any  other  means  of  obtaining  your  money 
would  be  resented.  The  theatrical  star  draws  his  audience ; 
and  his  company,  when  it's  in  luck,  its  salary.  That  same 
company  would  never  think  of  adopting  means  to  push  its 
salary,  no  matter  however  inclined  to  do  so.  It  is  the  nat- 
ural bent  of  humanity  to  draw  and  be  drawn;  therefore, 
do  I  prophesy  the  absolute  failure  of  the  auto  because  of  its 
being  a  non-drawing  power.  When  a  dainty,  fair,  sweet 
girl  makes  up  her  mind  to  win  you,  does  she  push  you  along 
to  the  happy  conclusion?  No,  sir;  she  simply  draws  you 
out,  and  there  you  are  !  You  will  often  hear,  in  your  walks 
and  your  talks,  a  man,  while  admitting  his  misfortune,  say : 
'I  was  drawn  into  it.'  Now,  when  making  the  admission 
that  he  was  'drawn'  into  it,  you  have  never  in  your  life  no- 
ticed a  scowl  of  reproach,  though  there  might  be  a  visible 
facial  shadow  of  sorrow,  for  the  very  good  reason  that  he 
had  been  'drawn'  into  his  unhappy  predicament.  On  the 
other  hand,  you  never  yet  heard  a  man  admit  that  he  was 


38  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

'pushed'  into  his  ill-luck  unless  he  showed  dangerous  and 
precipitate  signs  of  dropping  dead  from  sanguineous  apo- 
plexy. To  be  'pushed'  and  to  be  'drawn'  are  two  very  dif- 
ferent means  of  going  ahead.  The  one  savors  of  relentless 
force;  while  the  other,  at  least,  bears  the  earmark  of  per- 
suasion. The  horse  'draws'  you — you  persuade  him  to  do 
so — and  the  automobile  carries  you  by  force,  sir,  sheer  and 
unmitigated,  stored-up  battered  force!  There's  the  rub. 
And  so  it  is  with  political  parties, — let  one  or  the  other  of 
the  leaders  go  behind  and  shove  his  party,  and  the  whole 
thing  is  reversed,  for  the  leader  becomes  the  follower  and 
the  followers  the  leaders ;  and  all  through  being  shoved  or 
pushed  or  propelled,  showing  conclusively  and  at  once  that 
my  argument  is  incontrovertible.  Leaving  politicians  for 
that  other  weird  and  strange  creature  of  impulse,  the  mule, 
you  can  again  see  the  inadvisability  of  rear-end  propelling. 
Lead  a  mule  and  he'll  follow  you  with  the  docility  of  a 
dove ;  but  venture  to  'push'  him,  and  you'll  occupy  a  cot  in 
the  emergency  ward  of  some  hospital,  if  not  a  spare  slab  in 
the  Morgue." 

The  Monocle  having  had  its  say,  politely  but  hurriedly 
bade  Mr.  Ebenezer  Spikem  a  very  good  morning,  and, 
jumping  into  the  auto,  was  electrically  'pushed'  along. 


KEJECTED  INTERVIEW  V.— (Incongruous.) 

MR.    SPIKEM'S    TROUBLES    COME    THICK   AND 
PAST,     WHILE     THE     MONOCLE,     INTER- 
VIEWED  BY    MR.    INKEY,    SPEAKS    ON 
TRAVEL,  AND  VOLUNTEERS  USEFUL 
ADVICE  FOR  THE  EDITOR'S  EDI- 
FICATION AND  BENEFIT. 

Mr.  Spikem  looked  after  the  visitor  as  it  was  being 
whirled  away,  and  on  the  curb-stone  he  pondered.  He  was 
heard  to  mutter,  "Well,  I'll  be  hanged !"  or  something  to 
that  effect.  It  is  quite  certain  that  he  said  he'd  be  some- 
thinged.  His  journey  to  the  editorial  department  was  one 
of  worry.  There  he  met  his  colleagues,  who  instantly  re- 
marked his  changed  appearance,  his  dejected  demeanor,  his 
utter  and  weird  strangeness.  Mr.  Spikem  exhibited  a  large 
amount  of  oozing  irritation.  He  frankly  admitted  his  in- 
ability to  get  the  interview  he  wanted,  and  gave  his  asso- 
ciates instead  the  purport  of  the  Monocle's  remarks  on  the 
automobile,  which  seemed  so  extraordinary  that  the  worthy 
gentlemen  looked  upon  Spikem  with  suspicion.  They  knew 
he  had  been  a  total  abstainer  from  spirituous  liquors  for 
some  years;  but,  nevertheless,  they  always  nursed  a  dread 
that  he  might  return  to  the  habit  which  had  at  one  time 
threatened  his  standing  in  the  community.  They  knew 
that  Mr.  Spikem  in  those  days  was  a  terror  and  they  had, 
therefore,  good  cause  to  offer  up  many  blessings  for  his 
self-denial  in  adopting  the  new  life  which  he  had  deter- 
mined upon  and  enjoyed  for  twenty  years.  Alas,  now  they 
feared  he  had  tasted  once  more  of  the  cup  that  inebriates, 


40  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

and  they  commenced  to  look  around  the  office  for  some  evil 
spirit,  or  influence,  that  may  have  been  working  ill  among 
their  staff,  both  editorial  and  reportorial.  While  they  al- 
lowed the  worthy  gentleman  the  privilege  to  write  the 
Monocle's  views  on  the  automobile  they  coaxed  him,  when 
he  had  completed  his  task,  to  relegate  the  copy  to  the  waste- 
paper  basket,  and,  consequently,  the  readers  of  The  Daily 
Inflated  were  saved  from  the  perusal  of  matter  which 
might  have  been  prejudicial  to  the  stocks  of  the  Interna- 
tional Automobile  Carry-All  Company,  that  had  been 
placed  on  the  market  with  most  gratifying  results  that 
very  week. 

Mr.  Spikem  was  advised  to  go  home  and  rest.  Mr. 
Spikem  resented  the  suggestion.  He  grew  hot,  and  the 
hotter  he  grew  the  more  certain  were  his  colleagues  that  he 
had  been  imbibing.  To  their  horror,  he  actually  damned 
the  Monocle  for  the  trouble  it  had  given  him,  as  well  as  for 
the  unwarranted  disaster  it  had  brought  upon  two  trusted 
members  of  the  reportorial  staff.  That  was  enough !  He 
was  even  defending  a  couple  of  men  who  had  proved  them- 
selves totally  unfit  to  be  further  entrusted  with  the  con- 
fidence of  their  editors.  His  colleagues,  Mr.  Stunts  and 
Mr.  Inkey,  now  had  no  doubt  in  their  minds.  Mr.  Eben- 
ezer  Spikem,  they  concluded,  was  a  lost  lamb.  In  secret 
conclave,  they  therefore  decided  the  best  means  to  over- 
come the  threatened  ruin  of  their  chief,  and  the  two  well- 
meaning  gentlemen  quickly  scoured  the  editorial  library 
for  books  on  temperance,  'obtained  tracts  on  temperance, 
purchased  brochures  on  the  "Habit  of  Imbibing  Spirituous 
Liquors  and  the  Speedy  Cure;"  paid  out  good  money  for 
other  works  dealing  with  the  terrible  effects  of  liquor,  and, 
finally,  buying  a  dramatic  version  of  "Ten  Nights  in  a  Bar 
Koom,"  deposited  the  lot  on  Spikem's  desk  where  he  found 
them  that  very  evening. 


REJECTED  41 

Thinking  that  the  temperance  literature  had  been  sent 
him  for  review,  he  took  them  up  one  by  one,  but  discovering 
that  it  was  all  ancient  matter,  and  still  irritated,  shied  each 
book  and  tract  across  the  room.  Cruel  fate  was  playing  all 
kinds  of  game  with  Spikem,  for  one  book  finally  landed  on 
a  valuable  statue  of  George  Washington,  smashing  off  the 
head  and  shattering  one  leg. 

Never  before  had  that  sacred  sanctum  presented  so  dis- 
turbed an  appearance.  When  Mr.  Spikem  left  for  the  night, 
the  office  boy,  fearing  that  he  might  be  blamed  for  it  all, 
diplomatically  requested  the  remaining  editors  to  step  in 
and  review  the  debris.  They  were  stricken  as  with  palsy. 
That  their  co-laborer  had  so  far  forgotten  himself  as  to  use 
the  books  as  missiles  was  to  them  a  horror  to  contemplate. 
They  looked  with  pain  on  the  demolished  figure  of  the 
Father  of  their  Country,  and  declared  that  were  it  not  for 
his  unhappy  and  irresponsible  condition,  Mr.  Ebenezer 
Spikem  ought  to  be  tried  and  hanged  for  treason. 

As  a  result  of  a  decision  arrived  at  by  these  two  worthy 
gentlemen,  one  of  them,  Mr.  Nebuchadnezzar  Inkey,  called 
on  the  Monocle  the  next  day. 

"Stop,"  cried  the  Monocle,  as  Mr.  Inkey  commenced  his 
questioning.  "Fd  like  to  ask  you  how  many  men  have  you 
on  your  interviewing  staff  ?  Whether  you  keep  one  for  each 
day  in  the  year,  and  as  to  what  the  devil  the  public  cares 
for  my  opinions  or  impressions  ?" 

"A  necessity  is  hardly  debatable/'  rejoined  Mr.  Inkey. 

"Do  you  find  then  that  an  interview  with  an  utter 
stranger  is  a  necessity  to  the  peace  of  mind  of  the  public  ?" 
asked  the  Monocle. 

"As  essential  to  the  capacity  of  our  readers  as  their  daily 
meals,"  replied  Mr.  Inkey. 

"Gracious !"  exclaimed  the  Monocle. 

"Yes,"  said  Mr.  Inkey,  "it  is  peculiar  to  say  the  least, 
but: 


42  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

Without  their  interviews  folks  would  pine, 
They'd  neither  breakfast,  sup  nor  dine ; 

And  so  they  get  'em,  more  or  less, 
Served  up  by  the  daily  press." 

poetized  Mr.  Inkey,  whose  grave  fault  was  his  habit  of 
bursting  out  into  his  own  original  verse,  which,  in  every 
instance,  proved  to  be  idiotic  and  asinine. 

"I  may  mention,  incidentally,"  continued  Mr.  Inkey, 
"that  those  lines  are  my  own.  I  never  quote.  No  man  has 
any  more  right  to  use  another  man's  verse  than  he  has  to 
take  the  cigar  out  of  another  man's  mouth  and  smoke  it. 
If  men  with  a  limited  capacity  for  originality,  resort  to 
the  mental  exudations  of  others,  then,  I  say,  they  ought  to 
pay  for  the  matter  they  use: 

If  you  take  another  man's  rhyme 

And  you  use  it  as  you  will  it, 
Deserves  that  every  time 
For  royalty  he  should  bill  it. 

Don't  you  think  that  equitable  ?"  asked  Mr.  Inkey. 

"Quite  right,  sir,"  agreed  the  Monocle. 

Mr.  Inkey  sat  well  back  in  his  chair  and  looked  wisely 
at  the  Monocle  as  one  prepared  to  bounce  upon  a  subject, 
sure  in  his  mind  that  he  would  get  the  answers  he  desired. 

"Our  abnormally  high  buildings  of  course  somewhat 
surprised  you  on  your  arrival,"  suggested  the  wily  editor. 

"Now,  I  wouldn't  take  you,  Mr.  Inkey,  to  be  a  man  who 
indulged  himself  in  surprises,"  said  the  Monocle,  with  an 
evident  determination  to  evade  answering  any  question 
whatsoever. 

Mr.  Inkey  looked  at  the  Monocle  with  some  astonishment. 

"Indeed,  I  can't  say  that  I  am  ever  surprised,"  rejoined 
the  editor. 

"I  thought  not,"  agreed  the  Monocle. 


REJECTED  43 

"The  political  horizon  of  Europe  still  presents  somewhat 
of  an  ominous  shadow,  and  England,  as  regards  the  East- 
ern question,  is,  as  ever,  on  the  alert,  I  take  it  from  the 
cable  messages?" 

Mr.  Inkey  used  every  means  at  his  command  to  wheedle 
an  interview  from  the  Monocle.  The  Monocle  saw  his 
drift. 

"Possibly  our  city  government  has  appealed  to  you  as 
being  somewhat  unique?"  suggested  Mr.  Inkey,  with  an- 
other attempt  to  rout  the  enemy  from  its  apparently  im- 
pregnable position. 

"Have  you  traveled  much?"  asked  the  Monocle,  ignor- 
ing Mr.  Inkey's  question. 

"I  am  loath  to  admit  it,  but  I  am  not  a  traveled  man/' 
said  Mr.  Nebuchadnezzar  Inkey,  as  he  drew  his  handker- 
chief across  his  brow, — the  humiliation  of  such  a  forced 
admission  having  had  the  effect  of  producing  a  moisture 
upon  his  ample  forehead. 

"A  sea  voyage,  I  venture  to  say,  would  do  you  a  world 
of  good,"  said  the  Monocle. 

"But  I  am  not  actually  in  need  of  such  recreation,"  de- 
clared Mr.  Inkey. 

"You  are,  sir,"  urged  the  Monocle  with  no  little  force. 
"Everybody  should  travel.  It's  a  duty  one  owes,  not  alone 
to  one's  self,  but  to  those  less  fortunate  who  are  unable  to 
enjoy  the  inestimable  blessing  and  radiant  charm  of  it. 
Travel,  Mr.  Inkey,  is  an  educator,  a  broadener  of  the  mind, 
a  luxury  for  the  eye.  The  very  birds  of  foreign  countries 
make  new  and  beautiful  music  for  the  ear.  The  peoples, 
too,  are,  in  their  strangeness  to  you,  a  lesson  for  deep  con- 
sideration. Their  methods  of  living  and  their  advancement 
in  all  that  is  best,  prove  to  you  that  each  country  has  its 
own  aspirations  and  liberty-loving  characteristics;  its 
grand  and  costly  educational  institutions,  which,  by  the 
way,  exist,  sir,  as  you  know,  even  in  those  countries  where 


44  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

by  the  unread  and  untraveled  it  is  imagined  there  is  no 
progress  whatsoever.  Liberty,  to-day,  sir,  rules,  and,  heaven 
be  thanked,  there  is  a  plenty  of  it  in  every  clime,  save,  of 
course,  where  heathenism  and  fanaticism  exist.  Travel, 
alone,  convinces  one  of  the  vast  progress  of  the  whole  civ- 
ilized world,  and  further,  of  the  civilizing  influences  which 
each  good  Christian,  God-fearing  country  brings  to  bear 
on  those  who  are  living  in  darkness.  The  tourist  opens  his 
eyes  to  behold  nature  in  all  its  varied  and  exquisite  beauty 
and  grandeur.  You  seem  with  each  step  to  awake  from  a 
slumber.  As  the  dextrous  conjurer  surprises  you  with  his 
subtle  revelations  so  does  each  country,  each  foreign  locality, 
amazingly  reveal  to  you  a  marvelous  panorama  of  life, 
buildings,  architectural  cunning,  sea-scape  and  landscape, 
fashion  and  passion,  art  and  music,  ability  in  every  calling 
and  profession,  wealth  and  contentment,  the  highest  social 
attainments,  ancient  relics  beside  the  most  approved  and 
admired  of  modern  inventions.  Often  have  I  stood  aghast, 
when  men  of  supposed  intelligence  have  declared  in  my 
hearing  that  their  own  little  city  was  good  enough  and 
plenty  large  enough,  and  finish  up  by  saying,  'You  can't 
show  us  a  better  place  to  live  in  than  this,  sir — the  great- 
est city  in  the  world/  Actually  the  poor  chaps,  on  being 
questioned,  admitted  that  they  had  never  seen  more  than 
three  cities,  and  small  cities  at  that,  by  which  to  make  a 
comparison.  While  admiring  such  men  for  their  loyalty 
to  their  native  villages,  yet  one  cannot  but  deplore  the  limi- 
tation of  their  ideas  and  the  insular  disadvantages  to  which 
they  are  subjected.  If,  my  dear  Mr.  Inkey,  a  man  grows 
up  on  a  potato  patch  you  may  tell  him  of  a  rose  garden, 
but  he  only  knows  and  appreciates  potato  patches ;  in  short, 
it  is  his  world.  Travel,  sir,  has  been  the  means  of  making 
brilliant  men  of  dunces,  has  inculcated  in  man  that  great 
factor  of  success — self-reliance.  It  has  brought  out  the 
best,  that  was  before  wasting;  it  acts  as  a  magic  spell  in 


REJECTED  45 

developing  the  weakling  into  a  robust,  thinking,  large- 
minded  monument  of  humanity.  One  may  well  sigh  for 
those  poor  creatures  who  can,  but  will  not  take  the  oppor- 
tunities to  see  the  Great  Creation  at  large.  Inkey,  my  boy, 
take  the  advantage  while  you  have  the  chance.  If  you  de- 
termine to  travel  any  time  between  this  and  your  death,  it 
might  be  well  for  you  to  take  a  few  scruples  of  my  advice." 

"Gladly,"  agreed  Mr.  Inkey,  "but,  before  going  so  far,  I 
should  like  to  ascertain  your  opinion  of  these  United  States 
of  America,  their  National  and  Civic  Governments  and  Mr. 
Bartholdi's  Statue  of  Liberty." 

Totally  ignoring  Mr.  Inkey's  interruption,  or  anything 
he  would  like  to  know,  the  Monocle  proceeded :  "The  un- 
tried traveler,  my  dear  Mr.  Inkey,  is  a  character  study. 
While  he  is  a  frequent  occurrence,  he  is,  nevertheless, 
unique.  He  is  a  model  for  the  humorist  by  virtue  of  his 
monumental  assertiveness.  He  boards  a  vessel  to  commence 
with,  rigged  out  in  the  highly  proper  traveling  suit  as  de- 
vised and  advised  by  his  tailor.  That  at  once  gives  him  the 
air  of  one  who  has  traveled  and  knows  the  ropes,  while  every 
step  he  takes  is  a  stamping  advertisement  that  he  is  a  man. 
of  opulent  circumstances  and  so  forth.  As  he  waves  good- 
bye to  the  numerous  ladies,  gentlemen,  youths  and  babies 
who  have  swarmed  to  see  him  off,  he,  pardonably,  imagines 
himself  the  most  important  of  his  fellows.  He  accepts  the 
very  odorous,  albeit  imbecile,  gifts  of  floral  ships  and  floral 
anchors  that  go  to  increase  his  satisfaction  and  pride. 
Straightway  he  encounters  the  captain  to  ascertain  from 
his  official  lips  the  number  of  knots  the  vessel  can  do  in  a 
day;  what  he  considers  the  best  remedy  for  seasickness; 
whether  they  will  meet  whales,  rocks  and  icebergs,  derelicts 
and  other  possible  obstacles  and  dangers.  He  struts  the 
main  deck  with  an  air  of  grave  importance  and  is  delighted 
with  the  steamer  and  his  tourist  costume,  and  becomes  ac- 
tually vain  when  beholding  that  he  is  even  observed.  He 


46  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

determines  upon  being  genial  and  decides  to  chum  in  with 
anybody  and  everybody.  Knowing  a  little  about  civil  engi- 
neering he  grows  anxious  to  examine  the  machinery.  His 
great  grandfather  having  invented  a  compass  some  hundred 
years  before,  one  may  forgive  him  if  he  nurses  a  desire  to 
study  the  vessel's  instruments.  His  mother's  father,  he  re- 
members, had  been  a  ship's  chandler  in  his  youth,  and, 
consequently  and  suddenly,  it  crosses  his  mind  to  inform  the 
officers  at  once  of  that  very  important  fact,  so  as  to  prove  his 
relationship  to  the  seafaring  fraternity.  An  uncle  on  his 
lamented  father's  side, — it  just  occurs  to  him, — supplied  the 
outgoing  ships  with  provisions;  and  he  begins  to  pon- 
der on  the  advisability  of  discovering  the  situation  of  the 
kitchen,  that  he  may  so  inform  the  cook,  who  will  surely 
then  send  to  his  table  extra  dainties  and  tender  meats." 

Here  Mr.  Inkey  tried  to  arrest  the  attention  of  the  Mon- 
ocle by  looking  at  his  watch,  but  that  was  no  time  for  the 
Monocle  to  allow  even  a  word  to  intervene  between  his  nar- 
rative and  anything  that  might  occupy  the  mind  of  the 
anxious  Inkey. 

"You  wonder "  resumed  the  Monocle. 

"I  regret  to  break  the  current  of  your  valued  thoughts," 
interrupted  Mr.  Inkey,  "but  as  we  want  your  interviews 
for  to-morrow's  issue  I  beg  you  to  give  me  your  impres- 
sions of " 

The  Monocle  simply  cut  Mr.  Inkey  clean  off  from  the 
question  uppermost  in  his  mind. 

"It  should  be  the  one  desire  of  a  traveler  to  make  it 
pleasant  for  his  fellow-tourists,"  continued  the  Monocle. 
"At  no  time  should  he  grumble  at  the  playful  antics  of  the 
dear  children  aboard.  If  they  jump  all  over  him  he  must, 
or  should,  accept  the  situation  with  equanimity;  offer,  if 
need  be,  to  relieve  the  unattended  mother  of  her  scream- 
ing offspring;  read  aloud  to  the  old  ladies;  tend  the  young 
widows ;  give  an  arm  to  the  winsome  lasses  who  have  not  yet 


REJECTED  47 

got  their  sea-legs;  hasten  below,  though  a  thousand  times 
a  day,  for  rugs  and  shawls ;  apply  to  chubby  noses ,  Grecian 
noses,  or  Roman  noses,  the  inevitable  and  restoring  smelling 
salts  on  occasions  of  qualms;  supply  and  apply  restoratives 
to  the  fainting  lady;  consent  to  become  converted  into  a 
human  ambulance  as  far  as  her  cabin  door;  play  all  the 
games  common  aboard  vessel  no  matter  though  they  are 
stupid,  irksome  and  ridiculous;  rush  for  the  ship's  doctor 
no  matter  how  frequent  or  how  unnecessary  the  request,  or 
how  much  you  may  interfere  with  that  gentleman's  com- 
fort; see  that  he  attends  the  summons  no  matter  how  trivial 
the  case  or  how  close  you  get  to  having  your  head  punched. 
Appear  to  enjoy  the  sarcasm  of  the  idiot  at  the  dinner 
table;  don't  growl  if  the  steward  carelessly  lets  a  plate  of 
soup  fall  down  your  back,  for  the  very  good  reason  that 
some  ship's  soup  is  better  taken  externally  than  internally ; 
get  on  the  amusement  committee  and,  for  the  amusement  of 
others,  work  yourself  sick.  When  you  see  a  porpoise  as- 
sure the  ladies  that  it  is  a  whale,  thereby  establishing  your- 
self a  man  learned  in  marine  mysteries  and  wonders ;  study 
up  and  memorize  an  assortment  of  sea  yarns  and  spin  them 
off,  preferably  before  luncheon,  since  at  that  season  few 
people  are  sleepy ;  give  up  your  very  own  deck  chair  to  the 
fair  charmer  who  covets  it;-  cover  her  with  your  rug  and 
be  ready  to  break  your  neck  to  do  other  little  pleasantries 
for  her,  though  she  will  ignore  you  when  she  lands.  When 
you  meet  the  captain,  flood  him  with  questions  such  as: 
'Isn't  it  a  dull  or  humid  day?  Is  the  vessel  making  or 
breaking  her  record  time,  and  do  you  think  you  blow  the 
horn  often  enough  during  a  fog?  Do  you  think  we  shall 
arrive  on  time,  or  do  you  think  we  shall  be  late  ?  Are  you 
married,  Captain?  Oh,  how  very  nice;  and  how  many 
children  have  you?  Doesn't  your  wife  travel  with  you? 
Really,  it's  very  wrong  of  companies  not  to  allow  their 
officers  the  privilege  of  having  their  possessions  with  them ! 


48  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

How  often  have  you  made  the  trip  ?  Ever  been  in  a  wreck  ? 
Suppose  the  vessel  collided  with  another  in  mid-ocean  what 
would  become  of  us  ?  Is  drowning  an  easy  death  ?  Some 
say  it  is,  but,  truly,  is  it?' 

"By  paying  the  attentions  enumerated  to  your  fellow- 
passengers  and  plying  the  captain  with  the  questions  pro- 
pounded, you  will  grow  in  prominence.  I  will  not  say  what 
caliber  of  prominence,  but  you  will  grow,  and  your  voyage 
will  be  one  of  peace  and  delightful  recollections.  Never 
forget  that  the  captain  yearns  for  just  the  questions  I  have 
suggested.  He  is  a  glutton  in  his  desire  to  be  questioned;  it 
is  part  of  his  life,  that  is  why  he  is  there.  When  you  see 
him  on  the  bridge  it  is  because  he  fears  that  he  hasn't  any 
more  answers  left  to  give;  sooner  than  disappoint  he  re- 
tires. It  would  be  an  admirable  idea,  my  dear  Mr.  Inkey, 
were  vessels  to  carry  at  least  two  captains, — one  to  attend 
to  his  business  and  the  other  to  reply  to  the  interrogations 
of  the  everconstant,  indefatigable  and  irrepressible  ladiea 
and  gentlemen  who  feel  it  incumbent  on  them  to  look  upon 
the  captain  as  an  Intelligence  Department.  With  these 
few  remarks,  and  anticipating  that  you  will  travel  to  be 
heard  of  one  day  as  a  second  Henry  Stanley  or  Livingstone, 
I  will  take  my  leave." 

The  Monocle  shot  out  of  the  room  leaving  Mr.  Nebuchad- 
nezzar Inkey  all  at  sea.  Its  volubility  on  nautical  affairs 
had,  as  a  matter  of  fact,  made  the  editor's  head  swim  and 
he  emerged  into  the  open  air  in  as  rocky  a  condition  aa 
though  he  were  walking  a  deck  in  a  tempest. 


REJECTED  INTERVIEW  VI.—  (Impossible.) 

MR.  INKEY  ARRIVES  AT  HIS  OFFICE  MINUS  IN- 
TERVIEW, CAUSING  CONSTERNATION  BY 
REASON  OF  HIS  VERY  NAUTICAL 
BEARING. 

Mr.  Inkey  announced  his  own  arrival  at  his  own  office 
by  singing  a  sailor  song  as  he  entered,  entitled  "On  San 
Francisco  Bay,"  to  the  consternation  of  the  methodical 
bookkeeper  and  army  of  clerks  in  the  commercial  depart- 
ment of  The  Daily  Inflated. 

Mr.  Inkey  was  never  known  in  their  recollection  to  in- 
dulge in  song,  and  when  the  head  of  that  department  first 
turned  a  deathly  pale  and  then  changed  to  an  apoplectic 
crimson,  the  surprise  Mr.  Inkey  caused  can  be  fully  real* 
ized. 

Reaching  the  sanctum  sanctorum  he  greeted  his  col- 
league, Mr.  Stunts,  with  an  "Ay,  ay,  sir !"  and  pulling  up 
his  trousers  from  the  hips  in  sailor  fashion  he  growled  in 
stentorian  voice,  "Heave  to  I" 

At  that  unfortunate  moment  the  depressed  Mr.  Spikem 
entered,  in  time  to  join  in  Mr.  Stunts'  visible  agitation  and 
fear.  Such  a  proceeding  on  the  part  of  the  dignified  Inkey 
was  to  them  unaccountable,  unless  he  had  taken  sudden 
leave  of  his  senses. 

He  mumbled  something  about  travel  and  proper  ques- 
tions to  put  to  a  sea  captain  and  ended  by  dancing  the 
sailor's  hornpipe!  He  went  through  the  pantomime  of 
climbing  the  rigging,  saluting  and  hauling  the  ropes  as 
performed  by  dancers  on  the  variety  stage,  or  in  nautical 

49-4 


50  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

musical  comedy.  It  was  a  sportive,  if  even  to  his  con- 
freres it  seemed  a  melancholy,  spectacle.  It  suddenly 
dawned  upon  Mr.  Stunts  that  Mr.  Inkey  had  victoriously 
succeeded  in  getting  the  desired  interview  with  the  Monocle, 
and  in  his  delirium  of  joy  was  merely  giving  vent  to  his 
satisfaction. 

"Aha,  aha !"  ejaculated  Stunts,  "I  see  it  all !  You  have 
the  interview !" 

"I  have  nothing  of  the  kind,"  growled  Inkey  as  he 
dropped  exhausted  and  panting  into  a  chair. 

"You  have  not?"  cried  the  two  editors. 

"Certainly  I  have  not,"  responded  Inkey,  "but  I  have  an 
admirable  disquisition  from  the  Monocle  on  travel,  with 
invaluable  suggestions  which  will  be  relished  by  our  hun- 
gry readers." 

Inkey  then  rolled  out  almost  word  for  word  all  that  the 
Monocle  had  said. 

"But,  my  dear  Inkey,  that  matter  is  totally  irrele- 
vant," declared  Stunts,  with  some  degree  of  warmth 
in  his  tone.  "Why  in  heaven  didn't  you  get  what  we  need, — 
the  Monocle's  impression  of  these  United  States  of  Amer- 
ica, our  National  and  Civic  Governments  and  our  Statue  of 
Liberty  ?  That  is  what  you  went  for !" 

"And  that,"  replied  Inkey,  "is  what  I  didn't  get." 

Stunts  made  up  his  mind  that  Inkey  was  suffering  from 
temporary  mental  disturbances,  which  opinion  became  the 
more  certain  when  he  arose,  now  restored  to  normal  breath- 
ing, and,  crossing  the  room,  shook  Spikem  by  the  hand, 
accompanying  the  action  with  expressions  of  sympathy  with 
the  surprised  gentleman. 

Stunts  looked  with  concern  first  at  Spikem  and  then  at 
Inkey.  In  his  mind  he  turned  over  the  scene  performed 
by  Spikem  the  previous  evening,  as  compared  with  the  sad 
condition  of  poor  Mr.  Inkey  that  moment.  To  the  one  he 
attributed  a  return  of  the  drinking  habit,  while  to  the  other 


REJECTED  51 

he  blamed  a  possible  hereditary  insanity  which  was  taking 
effect  by  quick  process.  Strange,  too,  but  even  Mr.  Spikem 
looked  with  pity  on  Inkey,  whose  antics  were  such  as  could 
not  be  indulged  in  by  a  sane  editor. 

"I  saw  and  regret,"  said  Spikem,  in  a  melancholy  tone, 
"the  destruction  and  smash-up  of  George  Washington  last 
evening." 

"Ah,  indeed,  sir ;  I  doubt  if  Washington  in  all  his  career 
ever  received  such  a  blow,"  added  Mr.  Stunts,  tartly. 

The  stand-off  and  studied  courtesy  of  Mr.  Stunts  simply 
knocked  Spikem  off  his  legs.  Upon  recovering  himself  he 
let  every  particle  of  his  twenty-four-hour-pent-up  wrath 
flow  out.  He  indulged  in  vituperation,  and  ended  by  tell- 
ing Stunts  that  if  he  knew  better  than  he  how  to  get  an 
interview  from  such  an  unwilling  source  as  the  Monocle, 
he  should  try  without  delay.  Stunts  was  certain  now  that 
Spikem  had  not  fully  overcome  his  debauch.  Then  came 
Mr.  Inkey  to  the  aid  of  Mr.  Spikem  and,  suffering  from 
what  he  considered  very  cool  behavior  on  the  part  of  Mr. 
Stunts,  agreed  that  if  the  latter  gentleman  was  so  blamed 
positive  about  it  he  had  better  try  himself.  The  gauntlet 
defiantly  hurled  at  the  admirably-booted  feet  of  Mr.  Stunts, 
that  gentleman,  without  delay,  took  up  the  challenge.  But 
how  deeply  his  heart  ached  to  see  his  colleagues  in  such  a 
mental  plight  the  public  will  never  know.  So  keen  was 
his  appreciation  of  the  mental  breaking  down,  especially  in 
the  case  of  Mr.  Inkey,  that  on  his  way  home  he  made  it  his 
business  to  call  upon  that  gentleman's  good  lady. 

"Mrs.  Inkey,"  said  he,  "the  subject  of  my  visit  is  of 
painful  moment." 

Mrs.  Inkey,  a  good  creature  with  an  unfortunate  dispo- 
sition to  anticipate  evil,  screeched  out  in  hysterical  yells, 
"Oh,  Mr.  Stunts,  don't  say  that  anything  has  happened  my 
Nebuchadnezzar !  Don't  tell  me  that  he  has  passed  away ! 
Oh,  I  knew  something  was  going  to  happen  when  Josie, 


52  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

our  favorite  tabby,  sneezed  itself  into  a  cataleptic  fit  this 
morning !" 

Before  Mr.  Stunts  could  say  a  word  to  relieve  the  anxiety 
of  the  lady,  the  cat,  to  which  she  had  referred,  made  a 
bound  into  the  room,  took  one  leap  onto  the  mantelpiece, 
knocking  over  and  smashing  an  exquisite  and  costly  clock 
of  Parisian  manufacture ;  then,  turning  a  backward  somer- 
sault onto  the  floor,  lay  as  stiff  as  a  pine  log.  That  was 
sufficient  evidence,  that  second  fit  of  Josie's  in  one  day,  that 
something  terrible  had  really  happened  her  husband,  and 
with  a  multiplication  of  successive  shrieks,  she,  herself,  fell 
heavily  onto  the  floor  and  the  cat  at  the  same  time.  One 
ominous  squeak  from  the-  cat,  as  the  lady  fell  upon  it, 
startled  Mr.  Stunts,  who  at  once,  and  humanely,  endeavored 
to  relieve  the  animal  of  its  burden.  Mrs.  Inkey  was  a  very 
weighty  lady,  consequently  the  editor  found  the  removing 
business  no  easy  matter.  At  last,  with  a  mighty  effort  the 
fragile  little  gentleman  succeeded  in  rolling  Mrs.  Inkey 
over,  but,  to  his  horror,  the  cat  was  as  flat  as  a  pancake. 
He  called  for  assistance  and  it  came  in  the  form  of  a 
wheezy,  wizen  servant,  who,  on  entering  the  room  and  see- 
ing the  state  of  affairs,  started  in  screaming  for  "Help !" 
at  the  top  of  her  asthmatic  voice  and  then  set  to  calling  out 
"Murder  I"  in  spite  of  the  vehement  assurance  of  Mr.  Stunts 
that  there  was  no  murder  other  than  her  mistress's  unin- 
tentional asplryxiating  and  flattening  out  of  the  cat.  No 
talk,  no  persuasion,  could,  pacify  Amangolina  Ann,  who, 
without  one  word  of  warning,  simply  kicked  up  her  heels 
and  lay  in  a  heap  at  the  feet  of  her  mistress.  Stunts  was 
most  thoroughly  frightened.  He  stood  paralyzed  and  when 
able  to  collect  himself  concluded  that  the  best  thing  to  do 
was  to  summon  a  doctor.  Off  he  rushed,  hatless  and  breath- 
less, in  search  of  a  medical  man.  He  had  not  been  gone 
many  minutes  when  Mr.  Inkey  himself  returned  home. 
Once,  twice,  thrice  he  rang,  and  failing  to  be  let  in,  a 


REJECTED  53 

most  extraordinary  circumstance,  he  scrambled  through  the 
sitting  room  window ;  when  chaos  met  his  eye.  There  lay, 
prostrate,  probably  dead,  his  wife,  his  maid  servant  and 
his  flattened-out  cat;  while  fragments  of  his  once  hand- 
some clock  were  strewn  around  the  hearth  in  small  par- 
ticles. All  he  could  see  was  murder — an  atrocious  tragedy 
for  pelf.  He  fell  at  the  feet  of  his  wife  and  between  en- 
dearing words  and  entreaties  to  speak  but  a  word,  he  vented 
a  wholesale  condemnation  of  an  inefficient  and  political 
police  force. 

In  another  moment  Mr.  Inkey  had  reached  the  police 
call  and  summoned  by  that  means  the  minions  of  the  law, 
but  through  a  fatal  mistake,  he,  also,  called  up  the  fire  de- 
partment. Almost  with  the  arrival  of  the  doctor,  in  com- 
pany with  the  hatless  Mr.  Stunts,  came  both  fire  engines 
and  hose  companies,  police  and  reporters,  fire  captains  and 
heads  of  the  police  department,  excited  neighbors  and 
others,  whose  craning  necks  could  not  discover  even  smoke. 
The  scene  around  the  house  was  pandemonium  and  the  oc- 
currences were  fortunate,  if  unfortunate,  for  it  was  due  to 
the  bursting  of  a  hose  brought  through  the  sitting-room 
window,  that  Mrs.  Inkey,  her  servant  and  her  flattened-out 
cat  came  to  visible  life  once  more.  As  she  was  being  soaked 
by  the  water,  Mrs.  Inkey  turned  completely  over  and  went 
through  the  graceful  motions  of  swimming.  An  admiring 
audience  declared  her  strokes  to  be  perfectly  artistic.  Were 
it  not  for  the  sadness  of  the  affair  the  sight  of  such  a  per- 
formance by  such  a  corpulent  lady  might  have  been  amus- 
ing. Amangolina  Ann  and  Josie  favored  the  awe-stricken 
spectators  with  a  series  of  convulsive  evolutions  and  then 
came  to  a  realization  that  the  world  was  still  revolving. 
The  explanation  was  such  as  to  open  a  terrific  and  un- 
fordable  breach  between  Mr.  Inkey  and  Mr.  Stunts,  for  the 
latter  had  been  compelled  to  admit  that  his  presence  in  his 
friend's  house  that  night  was  to  warn  the  good  Mrs.  Inkey 
of  the  possible,  indeed  probable,  insanity  of  her  husband. 


REJECTED  INTERVIEW  VII.—  (Inapplicable.) 

THE  MONOCLE  STAETS  ON  A  JOURNEY. 
THROUGH    THE    UNITED    STATES— MR. 
STUNTS   INTERVIEWS   VISITOR  AT 
STATION— THE  MONOCLE  PHIL- 
OSOPHISES. 

It  was  at  the  railway  station  that  Mr.  Stunts,  looking  ill 
and  careworn,  overtook  the  Monocle,  having  heard  that  the 
visitor  was  about  to  take  an  extended  journey  through  the 
States. 

As  the  distinguished  subject  of  His  Most  Gracious  Maj- 
esty was  in  the  act  of  entering  a  drawing-room  car  Mr. 
Stunts  came  along. 

"By  the  way,  I  would  esteem  it  a  favor  if  before  seeing 
our  vast  continent  you  would  kindly  give  me  your  impres- 
sions of  these  United  States  of  America,  their  National  and 
Municipal  Governments  and  your  emotions  on  beholding 
the  Statue  of  Liberty/' 

"I  am  awfully  glad  to  see  you,  don't  you  know !"  declared 
the  Monocle  cordially,  at  the  same  time  looking  at  Mr. 
Stunts'  card,  "and  wish  I  had  the  spare  time  to  have  a  chat 
with  you.  I  trust  the  various  views  I  have  given  on  a  few 
matters  of  moment  will  satisfy  your  readers.  And,  by  the 
way,  kindly  convey  my  cordial  regards  to  your  numerous 
interviewers;  let  me  see,  Mr. — er — Mr. — er — Mr.  Smart, 
Mr.  Bull— what  is  it  ?  Oh,  yes,  Mr.  Bulldozer,  Mr.— Mr.— 
let  me  think — Mr.  Spikesomething — Spikem,  yes,  and  my 
esteemed  friend,  your  poet,  Mr.  Inkstand;  no,  no,  I  mean 
Inkey,  Inkey.  I  am  awful  on  remembering  names  as  you 


REJECTED  65 

will  have  observed  by  my  frequent  reference  to  your  card. 
I  think  I  should  have  been  secretary  to  the  late  Mr.  Glad- 
stone, in  his  conservative  days,  had  it  not  been  for  my  for- 
getting his  name  for  the  moment  and  calling  him  Jones! 
Think  of  it !  A  most  awful  error,  don't  you  know !  And, 
I  candidly  confess,  a  most  unpardonable  one,  for  Jones  and 
Gladstone  are  so  unlike  each  other,  aren't  they  ?" 

At  that  moment  the  porter  came  up  with  the  Monocle's 
rugs,  hat  boxes  and  sticks,  riding  whips  and  a  portable 
bath-tub.  Of  course,  everybody  looked  at  the  bath-tub, 
whereupon  the  huge,  fat  porter  was  heard  to  say  "Kubber !" 
Whether  he  meant  to  imply  the  word  in  the  classic  sense  in 
which  it  is  used  to-day,  or  whether  he  merely  intended  to 
inform  the  uninitiated  that  the  bath  was  of  rubber  compo- 
sition, is  still  a  question  to  be  decided. 

"Before  I  start  on  my  journey,"  said  the  Monocle,  "I 
have  to  say  how  very  charmed  I  am " 

"Yes!"  interrupted  the  editor,  anxiously  and  encourag- 
ingly. 

"I  was  about  to  say,  how  very  charmed  I  am  both  with 
the  untiring  attention  your  paper  has  given  me,  Mr.  Stunts, 
and  the  extreme  cordiality  shown  me  by  your  fellow  editors 
and  your  reporters.  I  feel,  sir,  that  if  I  have  rendered  you, 
them,  every  one  of  you,  jointly  and  separately,  any  service, 
though  small,  it  is  a  matter  of  significant  pleasure  to  me." 

"You  are  in  a  position,  Monocle,  to  add  further  to  any 
service  you  may  have  done  us,  by  just  informing  me  of  your 
impression  of  these  United  States  of  America,  their  Na- 
tional and " 

"My  dear  Mr.  Stunts,  it  is  with  pride  that  I  can  boast  a 
good  quantity  of  the  old  school  about  me  and  I  can,  conse- 
quently, appreciate  deeply,  reverently  and  profoundly.  In 
this  fin-de-siecle  period,  life  is  a  filigree,  and  an  artificiality. 
Sincerity  to-day  is  a  weakling  and  lacking  backbone.  The 
spinal  column  of  sound,  healthy,  robust  friendship  has  been 


66  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

contused  by  the  rapid  strides,  even  into  our  homes,  of  the 
business  element.  The  home  is  no  longer  a  haven  of  rest 
and  repose.  It  is  now  almost  the  continuation  of  the  office, 
the  shop,  the  store,  the  factory,  the  law  courts  and  many 
more  things  equally  unsatisfactory  and  foreign  to  the  dear, 
old,  hospitable  hearth  of  by-gone  days.  There  is,  unfor- 
tunately, an  unrest,  sir,  in  the  women  as  well  as  in  men; 
in  the  new-born  babe  as  much  as  in  youth.  Can  it  be 
remedied,  sir?  I  say,  deliberately,  that  it  can.  Why,  I 
have  watched  gentlemen  hurry  over  their  meals  in  an 
alarming  manner  and  then  apologize  for  being  unable, 
through  nervousness,  to  sit  for  any  length  of  time  at  the 
table,  that  I  have  felt  like  suggesting  that  their  wives,  in- 
stead of  seating  them  at  the  table,  might  better  erect  a 
quick-lunch  counter  in  the  dining-room/5 

Mr.  Stunts  was  now  growing  anxious  as  he  looked  at  his 
watch. 

"We  have  only  five  minutes/5  urged  the  editor,  "before 
you  start  on  your  journey,  therefore,  if  you  will  be  good 
enough  to  favor  me  with  some  idea  of  your  opinions  formed 
of  these  United  States  of  America,  their  National  and 


"Continuing  where  I  left  off/5  proceeded  the  Monocle, 
with  a  brave  determination  to  snow  under  Mr.  Stunts  and 
his  questions,  "I  have  concluded  that  the  head  of  the  house- 
hold is  to  blame.  He  introduces  his  confounded  commer- 
cialism into  his  family  circle,  and  I  tell  you,  sir,  it  is  a 
most  uncomfortable  guest  at  a  table  or  before  a  great  blaz- 
ing fire,  around  which  once  upon  a  time  the  rubber  of  whist 
and  the  game  of  cribbage  were  nightly  played ;  and  stories 
of  a  pure  and  healthful  bent  were  told  and  the  children, 
there  were  children  in  those  days,  eat  intent  and  delighted 
to  hear  the  interesting  reminiscences  and  chivalrous  senti- 
ments of  their  elders.  Have  modern  inventions  and  modern 
thoughts  and  usages  brought  in  their  wake  a  modern  hap- 


REJECTED  57 

piness  which,  can  compare  with  the  contentment  of  the  long 
past?  This  is  an  age,  my  dear  Mr.  Stunts,  of  'Go'  and 
'Get  there;'  therefore,  man,  woman  and  child  seem  to  'go' 
as  they  please  and  'get'  what  they  please  and  few  'go'  as 
others  please.  To  me,  sir,  life  is  so  dear,  so  beautiful,  so 
generous,  that  I  live  to  indulge  the  benefits,  as  far  as  I  can, 
which  it  so  bountifully  offers,  and  while  fully  acknowledg- 
ing the  wonders  of  the  inventions  of  the  day,  and  the  un- 
doubted boon  to  society  which  modern  inventions  and  appli- 
ances afford,  I  still,  sometimes,  nay,  oftentimes,  wish  myself 
far  from  the  turmoil,  the  shift,  the  whirr  and  buzz,  the  un- 
easy, restless,  striving  world  and  the  goring  savagery  of  the 
moment.  I  admire  gentle  man  and  noble  womanhood  so 
deeply  that  I  would  there  were  a  sandpaper  to  burnish  the 
portion  of  harsh,  unsmoothed,  rough-souled  creatures  and 
thereby  add  to  modern  humanity  more  of  the  brightness  of 
life.  Burnishing  is  what  is  required,  sir,  a  polishing  up,  a 
tempering.  Folks  may  prate  of  the  wonderful  age  we 
live  in.  I,  too,  acknowledge  it  to  be  all  remarkable  and  won- 
derful, but,  while  I  do  so,  I  contend,  reluctantly,  that  there 
is  not  the  contentment  there  should  and,  of  course,  could 
be.  Take  it  from  me,  my  dear  Mr.  Stunts,  that  the  mo- 
ment is  permeated  with  wild,  reckless,  grasping  wealth- 
hungry  characteristics  that  speak  not  too  well  for  the 
boasted  superfine  quality  of  the  age.  I  do  not  speak  on  the 
threshold  of  this  movable  palace  with  the  idea  that  I,  or 
you,  can  effect  a  change  of  existing  conditions.  Neither 
think  me  so  bound  up  with  idiocy  as  to  imagine  that  the 
speeches,  or  writings,  the  importuning  of  one,  or  a  hundred 
or  a  thousand  can  alter  them.  The  mad  rush  will  go  on, 
the  pace  will  increase,  for  the  race  has  already  started; 
but,  mind  you,  the  heavy  weights  the  majority  are  carrying, 
the  result  of  their  own  handicapping,  must  tell  in  the  long 
run.  The  world  will  go  on  just  the  same,  but  man  will  be- 
come stale  at  a  very  early  period  in  the  race  for  wealth,  and 


58  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

the  break  down  will  inevitably  follow.  Yes,  yes,  there  are 
others,  and  there  will  be  others,  to  take  the  place  of  the 
broken  hacks  who  will  strain  every  nerve  to  break  the  record 
of  their  predecessors,  but  with  the  same  fatal  results.  And 
when  all  is  said  and  done  the  whole  resolves  itself  into  the 
fattening  of  the  one  commanding  and  growing  germ — 
artificiality,  which  is  burrowing  its  way  into  the  vitals  of 
society.  Artificiality  is  the  word,  my  dear  Stunts,  that  ac- 
counts for  many  unpleasantries  in  our  daily  life, — that  is 
responsible  for  much  of  the  unhappiness  we  read  about, 
know  about  and  fear  about." 

The  heavy  mustached,  pudgy-nosed,  balloon-paunched 
conductor  gave  the  signal,  the  porter  informed  the  Monocle 
that  its  boxes,  rugs,  sticks,  riding  whips  and  portable  rub- 
ber bath-tub  were  all  aboard,  and  the  Monocle  was  soon 
whirling  along  in  a  luxurious  car  to  see  the  United  States 
of  America  from  the  Atlantic  to  the  Pacific. 

Mr.  Stunts  looked  after  the  disappearing  train,  replaced 
his  note  book  and  pencil,  which  he  had  carried  in  his  hand 
all  the  while,  in  the  recess  of  his  inner  pocket,  dried  the 
steam  off  his  spectacles,  and  ejaculating  a  husky  "Hem  V 
betook  himself  to  the  office  of  The  Daily  Morning  Inflated. 


REJECTED  INTERVIEW  VIII.— (Irrational) 

EDITOR  STUNTS  SAUNTERS  TO  THE  OFFICE  OF 
THE    DAILY    INFLATED— HIS    RECEPTION 
NOT     AT    ALL     CORDIAL— 'TWAS     THE 
COLD,  NOT  THE  WARM,  HAND  EX- 
TENDED—SAD   CONCLUSIONS 
BY  BROTHER  EDITORS. 

Mr.  Stunts  was  so  thoroughly  disheartened  at  his  failure 
to  obtain  the  Monocle's  views  on  the  United  States  of 
America,  their  National  and  Civic  Governments  and  the 
Statue  of  Liberty  that  he  even  passed  a  half-dozen  doors 
of  The  Daily  Inflated,  and  instead  of  entering  the  office 
of  the  gatherers  of  news,  he  actually  made  the  mistake  of 
walking  straight  into  the  establishment  of  the  gatherers  of 
the  dead, — Messrs.  Gone,  Going  &  Co.,  undertakers.  On 
perceiving  his  error  he  turned  white  and,  stammering  an 
apology,  assured  the  meek-cheeked- white-tied  representa- 
tive of  Messrs.  Gone,  Going  &  Co.,  that  he,  for  the  present 
at  any  rate,  found  himself  in  the  wrong  place.  Mr.  Mumps, 
the  clerk,  by  virtue  of  his  surroundings,  was  alive  to  any 
emergency  and  surprise,  but  failed,  in  this  instance,  to  ap- 
preciate Mr.  Stunts'  alarming  mistake.  As  he  received  a 
small  commission  on  every  order  taken  during  his  em- 
ployers absence,  and  Mr.  Mumps  being  in  no  wise  too  well 
remunerated  for  the  grave  nature  of  his  position,  he  was 
sorely  disappointed  at  heart  when  he  discovered  that  Mr. 
Stunts  had  actually  not  come  to  leave  an  order.  It  dawned 
suddenly,  however,  on  his  fertile  brain,  that  the  editor  prob- 
ably had  had  a  sad  order  to  give,  but  had,  on  the  very 


60  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

threshold  of  the  establishment,  changed  his  mind  and  gone 
over  to  Mr.  Tobia  Shroud,  the  undertaker  across  the  way. 
The  probable  loss  of  commission  glaring  Mumps  in  the  eye, 
prompted  him  to  sit  down  and  pen  the  following : 

GONE,    GOING   &    CO.,  Undertakers. 
Cemetery  Street. 

February  18,  1901. 

DEAR  SIR — When  you  did  us  the  honor  to  look  in  at  our 
establishment  a  few  moments  ago,  I  regret,  through  your 
hurry  to  get  out  again,  that  I  had  not  the  pleasure  of  plac- 
ing you  among  our  distinguished  list  of  customers.  I  take 
it  you  changed  your  mind,  though  I  would  esteem  it  a  favor 
before  you  give  your  order  to  any  other  firm  to  kindly  glance 
down  our  revised  list  of  charges.  I  also  enclose  our  pam- 
phlet entitled,  "How  to  Bury  at  Smallest  Cost." 

Awaiting  the  honor  of  your  early  order,  I  am,  dear  sir, 
Your  obedient  servant  at  all  hours, 

PETER  MUMPS. 

To  U.  C.  Stunts,  Esq.,  Night  Editor,  The  Daily  Inflated. 

Mr.  Stunts  at  last  returned  safely  to  his  office  and  both 
Mr.  Spikem  and  Mr.  Inkey  sat  complacently  awaiting  his 
arrival. 

The  greeting  was  zeroatic,  indeed.  It  could  not  have 
possibly  been  colder  had  the  gentlemen  met  in  an  ice  chest. 

"Good  evening,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Stunts. 

"It  is  morning  yet/'  said  Mr.  Inkey. 

"Yes,  yes,  to  be  sure,"  agreed  Mr.  Stunts,  as  he  laid 
down  his  hat  upon  the  table  and  commenced  to  take  off  his 
gloves,  each  finger  at  a  time,  and  with  a  deliberation  quite 
unlike  him. 

"You  have  the  interview,  of  course?"  asked  Mr.  Inkey 
and  Mr.  Spikem  in  one  breath,  but  with  a  cruel  leer  of 
triumph  which  showed  they  had  been  discussing  the  matter 


REJECTED  61 

pretty  freely  between  themselves  and  had  come  to  one  con- 
elusion,  cruel  gentlemen !  They  knew  very  well  that  Mr. 
Stunts  would  fail,  as  they  had  failed,  to  draw  out  the 
Monocle  s  opinion  of  these  United  States  of  America,  their 
National  and  Civic  Governments  and  the  Statue  of  Lib- 
erty. 

There  was  a  slight  pause  as  Mr.  Stunts  pulled  at  the  last 
finger  of  his  glove  and  drew  a  long,  deep,  sad  breath. 

"Noo,"  said  Mr.  Stunts,  "Noo,  I  certainly  did  not  suc- 
ceed in  getting  the  interview." 

"Ha !  ha !  ha  !  ha !  ha  !"  laughed  Mr.  Inkey.  "Did  I  not 
tell  you,  Spikem,  that  he  would  not  get  it  ?" 

"Well,  Mr.  Stunts,  we  must  have  something  about  the 
Monocle  in  the  morning.  Surely  the  Monocle  said  some- 
thing of  interest  before  departing  ?"  suggested  Mr.  Spikem, 
interrogatively. 

"The  views  of  the  Monocle  are  so  extraordinary  that  I 
really  forget  half  of  what  was  said,"  replied  the  good  Mr. 
Stunts ;  "but  I  do  remember  this  much,  that  there  was  not 
one  word  that  would  be  of  interest  to  our  readers." 

"Had  you  not  better  write  up  an  interview  of  some 
kind  ?"  asked  Mr.  Inkey. 

"Eeally,  my  dear  Mr.  Inkey,  I  cannot  collect  my 
thoughts,"  replied  Mr.  Stunts  in  a  weird  tone. 

"We  do  not  need  your  thoughts,"  put  in  Mr.  Spikem, 
rather  tartly.  "Let  us  have  those  of  the  Monocle." 

At  that  moment  a  messenger  handed  to  Mr.  Stunts  the 
note  from  Mr.  Peter  Mumps,  the  undertakers'  assistant. 

"Now !  What  have  I  done  with  my  glasses?"  Mr.  Stunts 
inquired  as  he  searched  every  pocket  in  vain  for  his  spec- 
tacles. "Dear  me !  Where  could  I  have  left  them  ?  Here, 
Inkey,  kindly  see  what  this  is." 

Mr.  Stunts  passed  the  note  to  Mr.  Inkey  who  opened  the 
envelope  and  read  the  startling  contents  aloud. 

The  editors  looked  at  each  other  in  dismay. 


'62  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

"Why  didn't  you  tell  us,  Stunts,  that  you  had  suffered  a 
loss?"  asked  Mr.  Spikem  with  profound  emotion. 

"I  have  suffered  no  loss,  sir,"  responded  Mr.  Stunts. 

"Then  for  whom  did  you  seek  the  services  of  the  under- 
taker?" asked  Mr.  Spikem. 

"For  no  one  that  I  know  of,  sir/'  replied  Mr.  Stunts. 

It  was  now  the  turn  of  both  Spikem  and  Inkey  to  look 
upon  Mr.  Stunts  with  suspicion  and  doubt  as  to  the  health- 
ful condition  of  his  mind.  His  tart  manner,  his  visit  to 
Gone,  Going  &  Go's  establishment,  that  note  from  Mr. 
Peter  Mumps — all  seemed  so  exceedingly  strange  that  the 
wise  gentlemen  could  come  but  to  one  conclusion — Stunts 
needed  rest — he  was  evidently  suffering  from  hallucina- 
tions to  the  extent,  even,  of  visiting  an  undertaker  without 
reason;  even  going  so  far  as  to  waver  between  the  two 
firms — Gone,  Going  &  Co.  and  Tobia  Shroud.  That  note 
of  Mr.  Peter  Mumps  proved  to  them  conclusively  that  there 
was  something  radically  wrong  with  Mr.  Stunts.  His  an- 
tics, too,  in  frightening,  almost  to  death,  Mr.  Inkey's  good 
lady,  her  maid  servant  and  her  cat,  on  the  plea  that  he  im- 
agined that  Mr.  Inkey  was  a  maniac,  only  went  to 
strengthen  the  opinion  that  he,  Stunts,  was  sadly  demented. 
It  was  now  a  question  settled  in  the  mind  of  Stunts  whether 
Spikem  should  not  be  placed  in  an  asylum  for  inebriates 
and  Inkey  in  a  sanitarium  for  weak-minded,  while  the  two 
latter  gentlemen  turned  over  in  their  minds  the  advisability 
of  having  Stunts  examined  at  once  as  to  his  sanity  and,  if 
necessary,  placed  in  safe  keeping  until  a  time  when  his 
normal  mental  capacity  could  be  guaranteed.  Unhappy 
times  had  certainly  come  upon  the  staff.  Through  his  dis- 
charge from  The  Daily  Inflated,  Mr.  Smart,  the  reporter, 
had  been  denied  other  engagements,  as  it  had  got  about  in 
newspaper  circles  that  he  was  absolutely  unreliable;  a 
stain  which  stuck  so  closely  to  him  that  he,  in  a  weak  mo- 
ment, assisted  with  all  his  might  and  pocket  to  enrich  the 


REJECTED  63 

portly  proprietor  of  a  dazzlingly  decorated  bar  room.  And 
Bulldozer,  poor  Bulldozer,  reduced  to  impecuniosity,  one 
meal  a  day  and  an  abnormally  fitting  suit  of  ready-made 
clothes  (so  unlike  the  spick  and  span  Bulldozer)  had  to 
suffer  the  libel  of  being  addicted  to  drugs  which  induce 
mental  stupor.  Unable  to  get  even  an  assignment  on  any 
paper  in  the  city  he  added  to  the  undeserved  reputation 
which  was  attached  to  him  by  taking  a  header  from  a  high 
bridge  into  the  deep,  dark  water  below.  But  it  is  an  ill 
jump  that  does  nobody  any  good,  as  was  proved  after  his 
miraculous  rescue,  when  offers  of  engagements  from  pro- 
moters, boomers  and  purveyors  of  freaks  flowed  in  upon 
him.  Thus  our  Bulldozer  was  allotted  a  living  among  men. 
He  chummed  with  the  "Bearded  Lady  ;"  he  supped  with  the 
gentleman  who  voraciously  ate  of  glass;  he  made  a  boon 
companion  of  the  sinuous  snake  charmer,  and  besides  suffer- 
ing exhibition  as  the  "Greatest  Living  Bridge  Jumper  of 
the  Twentieth  Century,"  acted  as  press  agent  for  the  "Dime 
Museum;"  a  position  of  much  honor  and  standing  in  the 
community.  So  what  with  disruption  in  the  editorial  de- 
partment, mistrust  of  the  reportorial  corps  and  the  parting 
with  two  of  its  most  reliable  reporters,  The  Daily  Morning 
Inflated  was  reduced  from  the  cream  of  journalistic  pub- 
lications to  a  milk  and  water  newspaper.  The  internal 
disruption  was  felt  externally  to  so  great  an  extent  that 
full  soon  The  Daily  Inflated,  with  that  struggle  which  is 
sadly  watched  in  cases  of  impending  dissolution,  suffered  a 
convulsion,  accelerated  by  a  puncture  superinduced  by  the 
strike  of  the  compositors,  who,  without  extra  remunera- 
tion, a  shortcoming  antagonistic  to  the  Federal  Typograph- 
ical Union's  rules,  were  kept  overtime,  clay  in  and  night 
out,  to  set  up  the  interviews  that  never  came.  Thus  is 
shown  what  disorder  may  arise  in  a  newspaper  office 
through  the  muley  obstinacy  persisted  in  and  indulged  by 


64  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

an   iron-rimmed   obstacle  to   all  modern  intelligence — a 
Monocle. 

However,  the  editors  ultimately  came  together  when  ex- 
planations were  exchanged  sufficient  to  exonerate  Mr. 
Spikem  of  insobriety  and  Messrs.  Stunts  and  Inkey  of  in- 
cipient insanity,  while  Mr.  Bulldozer  was  captured  from 
the  onerous  duties  of  Press  Agent  of  the  Museum  and,  with 
young  Mr.  Smart,  was  reinstated  to  his  proud  and  distin- 
guished position  on  The  Inflated's  reportorial  staff  with 
profuse  and  manly  apologies  as  compensation  for  the  harm 
and  damage  done  him. 

END  OF    PART  I. 

NOTE— See  Part  II  for  the  Monocle's  sober  thoughts  and 
rational  opinions. 


PART  II. 


THE  INTERVIEWS  AS  THEY  APPEARED 
THE  INFLATED. 


65-5 


i  Cfte  Dally  inflated 


The  People's  Paper! 


Vol.  XXIV  New  York,  Monday,  September  16th,  1901         Price  5  Cents 


BURNED  AT  THE  STAKE.      THE     MONOCLE     RETURNS 


SHOCKING      SCENES.— VIC- 
TIM IS  DRAGGED  TO 

HIS  DEATH. 
(Special  to  The  Inflated.) 

Lynchville,  Sept.  15. — Last 
night  another  lynching  took 
place  at  Lynchville.  The  vic- 
tim, Tom  Pipp,  colored,  was 
identified  as  the  perpetrator  of 
an  outrage  and  in  the  presence 
of  five  thousand  citizens  was 
bound  and  dragged  to  the  kero- 
sene-soaked pyre,  upon  which 
he  was  tied  with  ropes  and  set 
afire.  His  writhings  were 
awful  to  behold.  Citizens  came 
from  miles  around,  many  with 
picnic  baskets.  It  only  needed 
the  presence  of  Nero  to  make 
the  scene  completely  pictures- 
que. 

(Special  to  The  Inflated.) 

Pyretown,  Sept.  15. — A  bar- 
barous act  was  performed  near 
this  town  this  morning.  John 
Christopher  Black,  who  was 
suspected  of  having  committed 
a  robbery,  was  taken  out  in  the 
fields  and  strapped  to  a  pole. 
A  heap  of  wood,  well  moistened 
with  oil,  was  spread  under  and 
around  him  and  soon  the  man 
was  ablaze.  The  scene  almost 
beggars  description.  Before  the 
fagots  were  set  afire  the  vic- 
tim's cries  and  protests  of  his 
innocence  resounded  far  in  the 
woods.  The  mob  greeted  his 
appeals  with  jeers  and  profane 
and  blasphemous  oaths  and  de- 
moniacal yells  and  screeches. 


TO  NEW  YORK  AFTER 
A     TOUR     OF     THE 

UNITED  STATES. 
SPEAKS    FREELY    TO    THE 

REPRESENTATIVE  OF 

THE   DAILY  INFLATED  ON 

THE  ADVANTAGES 

OFFERED  UNDER 

THE  FOLDS  OF 
THE  STARS  AND  STRIPES. 

"Yes,  my  experiences  have 
undergone  many  phases — some 
delightful,  others  extraordi- 
nary, often  appalling,  at  times 
disappointing,  now  and  again 
humorous,  more  often  sad,  oc- 
casionally tragic  and  all  the 
while  political." 

"Then  you  have  mastered  the 
intricacies  of  our  politics  since 
our  last  meeting?"  inquired  the 
representative  of  Tlie  Inflated^ 
who  had  welcomed  the  Monocle 
with  effusive  greeting. 

"Mastered  your  politics!" 
repeated  the  Monocle;  "EgaU, 
it  is  such  a  giant  that  I  would 
hardly  set  myself  the  task  of 
even  attempting  to  get  the 
mastery.  As  I  see  it,  your 
politics  masters  you,  and  is,  in 
truth  a  veritable  and  uncom- 
promising, harsh,  and  frequent- 
ly a  too  cruel  and  iron-handed 
master.  Your  people,  Heaven 
bless  and  preserve  them  in  their 
prosperity,  seem  to  me  to  live 
on  politics  from  the  cradle  to 
the  grave.  You  are  in  many 
instances  peculiar  in  that  you 


67 


68  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

return  men  to  office,  your  Senate  and  your  Congress,  to  dii 
honorable  positions,  but  you  instantly  accuse  them  of 
accepting  bribes,  or  bribing,  or  accumulating  vast  wealth 
in  ways  not  strictly  straight,  and,  indeed,  devilishly 
crooked.  In  short,  one  would  think,  judging  from  the  ex- 
traordinary charges  so  often  laid  at  the  door  of  your  public 
men,  that  there  are  few  fit  to  enjoy  the  confidence  of  a  free- 
voting  people." 

"There  is  more  truth  than  poetry  in  what  you  say,  but 
we  are  a  young  people, — we  are  in  our  swaddling  clothes," 
suggested  the  newspaperman. 

"Stuff  and  nonsense,"  said  the  Monocle.  "I  repeat  a 
thousand  times  with  a  vehemence  strong  enough  to  be  heard 
from  the  coast  of  Maine  to  the  sun-glinted  gates  of  the  Pa- 
cific,— stuff  and  nonsense !  Are  not  your  lawmakers  men 
of  mature  years?  Are  they  not  equal  in  intelligence  with 
the  Cramers  of  the  laws  of  other  great  nations  ?  Are  they 
not  working  contemporaneously  with  men  who,  the  world 
over,  are  doing  exactly  what  they  are  doing, — advancing  the 
condition*  of  their  fellows?  Your  country  has  grown  up 
by  thrift,  indomitable  pluck  and  noble  determination,  but 
do  not  forget,  nor  should  any  one  of  you  forget,  that  to 
your  very  wise  and  scholarly  forbears,  gentlemen  who  had 
a  generous  schooling  in  the  ambitious  and  ideal  and  sedate 
politics  of  their  day,  is  due  the  building  up  of  this  glorious 
and  ever-growing  nation.  They  built  upon  foundations  of 
strength,  upon  mental  pillars  of  strength,  upon  ripe  and 
whole t-ome  knowledge,  born  of  a  combination  of  education 
and  worldly  experience  and  healthful  social  and  political 
surroundings.  But  granted  that  you  are  young,  in  that 
caw:  you  are  an  exceedingly  precocious  infant." 

"A  precocity  conceived  by  the  Motherland  which  bore 
our  sires,"  said  the  newspaperman,  proudly. 

"Your  words,"  said  the  Monocle,  "are  evidence  of  the 
power  and  the  glory  and  the  unbreakable  unity  of  the  Eng- 


ACCEPTED  69 

lish-speaking  race.  We,  no  matter  the  difference  of  political 
and  social  forms,  or  the  wide  expanse  of  sea  dividing  us, 
are  proud  of  the  Motherland  that  gave  us  the  sinew,  the 
brawn,  the  muscle,  the  brain,  the  ingenuity,  the  high,  un- 
conquerable spirit,  the  stubborn,  plodding  thrift  and  un- 
daunted courage.  To  that  Motherland  we  turn  as  one  with 
filial  pride.  Her  offspring,  the  world  over,  will  ever  re- 
main as  one  family  dispensing  liberty,  education  and 
charity,  whither  they  may  go." 


THE  MONOCLE    SPEAKS   INTERESTINGLY    OF 
THE  COUNTRY. 

"Your  journey  to  the  Coast  naturally  brought  you  a  new 
experience  of  manners  and  mode  of  living  as  compared  with 
the  old  world  ?"  suggested  the  newspaperman. 

"It  is  not  my  intention  to  draw  comparisons,"  insisted 
the  Monocle. 

"At  any  rate,  may  not  the  opinions  you  have  formed  be 
available  ?". 

"The  opinions  I  have  formed  are  decided,  and  in  giving 
them  I  wish  to  disown  any  prejudices  whatsoever.  I  am 
enchanted  with  your  country, — beautiful  and  noble  as  it  is 
vast,  from  the  Atlantic  to  the  Pacific.  Grand,  sir,  mar- 
velous to  behold,  varied  in  its  scenery  as  it  is  in  its  climate. 
On  my  travels  it  seemed  to  me  that  some  kind  fairy  had 
taken  and  promised  me  many  wonderful  changes  of  scenery 
and  as  each  morning  came  revealed  to  my  view  a  new  pan- 
orama of  mountain  and  valley,  hill  and  dale,  wide  river 
and  circling  lake;  changing  to  such  sylvan  retreats  as  are 
untouched  by  man  and  enriched  and  cared  for  alone  by 
generous  and  prolific  nature.  I  found  enchantment  in  the 
miles  of  desert  lands;  I  became  enthusiastic  over  the  ap- 
parently unlimited  cities  and  towns  and  hamlets,  and  I 


70  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

marvelled  and  I  pondered,  and  said  I  to  myself :  'Are  the 
legislators  of  this  vast  continent  as  corrupt  as  is  alleged  ?'  " 

"And  you  concluded  ?" 

"I  came  to  the  conclusion  that  your  fair  country  must  be 
crammed  full  of  the  liveliest  libelers  to  be  found  between 
heaven  and  earth." 

"My  dear  Monocle,  you  are  deserving  a  seat  in  Congress 
or  the  Senate/' 

"And  if  so  honored,  an  unworthiness  would  be  quickly 
manufactured  for  me  and  advertised ;  yes,  even  by  you  who 
now  compliment  me.  If  a  man  among  you  would  retain 
his  good  character  let  him  keep  out  of  your  politics." 

"When  a  man  becomes  public  property  have  we  not  the 
right  to  speak  of  him  as  we  think  ?"  asked  the  newspaper- 
man. 

"Not  as  you  think,  but  as  you  know,"  demanded  the 
Monocle.  "It  is  the  thinking  that  is  responsible  for  your 
error,  your  unblushing  cruelty.  You  take  for  granted,  be- 
cause a  man  represents  you  in  your  National  or  State  As- 
sembly, that  you  are  at  liberty  to  brand  him  a  knave  for  no 
other  reason  than  that  you  think  he  is  one.  I  have  heard, 
to  my  astonishment,  of  so  much  corruption  that  were  it 
true,  your  jails  would  be  overflowing  with  Congressmen, 
Senators  and  others  who  have  held,  and  are  holding,  the 
highest  positions  in  your  land.  If  a  public  man  has  the 
misfortune  to  grow  rich  you  at  once  doubt  the  source  of  his 
income.  You  make  charges  which  are  amazing  and  serious, 
but,  with  it  all,  never  is  there  one  to  impeach  the  gentleman. 
Why  ?  For  the  simple  reason  that  it  is  all  suspicion ;  it  is 
thought  to  be  so  and  so,  but,  in  fact,  is  never  positively 
known  to  be  the  so  and  so  alleged." 

"This  is  a  free  country." 

"Yes,  and  your  freedom  is  too  often  misused.  It  is 
criminal  insolence  to  charge  men  of  your  Parliament  with 
base  designs  and  shady  dealings.  If  your  cities  are  bur- 


ACCEPTED  71 

dened  with  a  class  inelegantly  called  by  you  'Boodlers/  is 
there  any  reason  in  the  world  why  you,  a  free  and  independ- 
ent people,  should  tolerate  a  state  of  affairs  so  deplorable?" 

"It  exists!" 

"I  bluntly  tell  you  I  do  not  believe  it  I"  retorted  the  Mon- 
ocle; "you  cast  slurs  upon  your  wealthy  lawmaker  by  ask- 
ing, 'How  did  he  get  it?'  If  he  has  robbed  the  public 
coffers  you  need  never  ask  those  questions.  You  would 
know  how  and  where  he  got  it;  and,  further,  if  it  were  so 
that  he  misused  the  public  funds,  or  corrupted  or  bribed, 
or  received  bribes,  you  know  as  well  as  I  that  he  would  be 
compensated  with  a  term  of  imprisonment  and  the  brand 
of  everlasting  disgrace.  The  fact  is  you  set  up  your  po- 
litical opponent  as  an  enemy ;  without  fear  of  a  consequence 
you  besmirch  his  good  name  and  you  make  charges  which 
you  cannot,  nor  do  you  even  attempt  to  substantiate." 

"We  have  as  much  respect  for  our  public  men,  if  deserv- 
ing our  confidence,  as  any  other  people  in  the  world." 

"Tush!"  the  Monocle  exclaimed.  "It  is  your  want  of 
respect  that  keeps  from  your  National  and  Civic  Assemblies 
many  able,  representative,  scholarly  citizens,  gentlemen 
whom  any  country  would  be  proud  to  honor  with  its  regard. 
To  my  pain  and  surprise  I  have  encountered  men,  supposed 
to  be  gifted  with  intelligence,  who  have  not  faltered  in 
pouring  forth  and  bragging  contempt  for  upright  and  hon- 
orable gentlemen  to  whom  they  are  opposed  only  politi- 
cally." 

"Every  man  here  is  free-born  and  his  opinion  is  unfet- 
tered," said  the  newspaperman. 

"There  is  scarcely  a  country  to-day,  sir,  but  what  gives 
liberty  of  speech  and  action  to  its  people,  but  the  liberty 
of  maliciously  and  falsely  and  wilfully  scandalizing  a  man 
just  because  he  is  a  public  man  differing  in  opinion  with 
others,is  not  allowed  by  the  law  of  any  other  civilized  nation, 
nor  would  it  be  tolerated  by  the  masses.  Few  among  your 


72  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

public-spirited  men  are  willing  to  become  targets  for  the 
offalized  outpourings  of  the  army  of  irresponsibles  and 
venomous  libelers  in  your  community.  Your  disappointed 
politicians,  or  many  among  them,  are  a  class  I  have  met  and 
learned  to  deplore,  for  to  them  may  be  attributed  much  of 
the  brutal  libel  on  those  who  have  been  more  fortunate  in 
the  political  arena/' 

"You  do  not  know  our  politicians." 

"Do  you?" 

"As  a  free-born  American  I  know  of  our  politicians  and 
have  a  right  to  say  what  I  feel  of  them ;  and,  further,  as  a 
free-born  American  I  care  not  the  snap  of  the  finger  for 
any  man." 

"I  pray  you  remember,  henceforth,  that  it  is  quite  un- 
necessary to  gorge  down  my  throat  the  happy  fact  that  you 
are  free-born.  The  world,  for  a  century  or  so,  has  been 
pretty  well  assured  that  you  enjoy  the  inestimable  freedom 
vouchsafed  you  by  the  wise  Anglo-Saxon  framers  of  your 
lucid  and  generous  Constitution.  I  know  well  that  you  are 
free-born.  The  policeman,  who  audaciously  and  murder- 
ously clubs  his  prisoner  on  the  streets  of  New  York  until, 
as  is  often  the  case,  he  inflicts  a  fracture  of  the  skull,  or  a 
few  ugly  scalp  wounds,  is  also  free-born,  and,  for  th-j  mat- 
ter of  that,  so  is  the  poor  wretch  who  falls  a  victim  to  the 
free-born  easy  way  of  proving  and  exercising  authority." 

"You  are  indeed  observant." 

"One  does  not  need  to  be.  clubbed  by  an  officer  of  the  law 
to  appreciate  the  brutality.  It  is  an  every-day  occurrence 
among  you ;  but  since  you  are  free-born  I  suppose  such  acts 
of  barbaric  violence  must  be  tolerated.  However,  you  must 
admit  the  disadvantages  suffered  even  by  you  who  can  boast 
of  absolute  freedom  for  all.  When  the  poor  fruit  vendor  on 
your  Metropolitan  streets  must  suffer  the  heartless  tossing 
into  the  gutter  of  his  little  cart,  together  with  all  his  fruit, 
because  he  does  not  'move  on'  quickly  enough  for  an  iron- 


ACCEPTED  73 

muscled,  soulless  policeman,  I  rise  in  indignation  and  wish 
I  dared,  with  safety,  address  a  few  words  of  human  feeling 
to  the  stalwart,  fat-fed  officer  and  teach  him  that  by  his 
brutal  act  he  antagonizes  those  who  would  be  his  sup- 
porters, and,  further,  that  he,  himself,  places  his  important 
position  and  authority  and  the  law  of  peace  and  order 
in  jeopardy  of  contempt.  You  will  now  have  to  excuse  me. 
On  some  other  occasion  I  shall  certainly  enjoy  another 
visit  from  you.  Good  night/' 


Sensations 
Respectably   Reported. 


tfte  Daily  Inflated 


A  Paper  for  the 
People. 


Vol.  XXIV 


New  York,  Tuesday,  September  17th,  1901 


Price  5  Cents 


FEARFUL     HEAT     IN     THE 

CITY.— MANY  PROS- 
TRATIONS AND  DEATHS 
FROM  THE  HEAT  AND 
SUNSTROKE. 

For  the  last  twenty-four 
hours  the  heat  has  been  ter 
rific.  The  poor  have  suffered 
beyond  description,  sleeping  on 
roofs,  fire-escapes  and  side- 
walks. Thousands  of  unfor 
tunate  creatures,  denied  the 
right  to  close  their  eyes  in  the 
Public  Parks  of  New  York, 
found  some  consolation  in  be- 
ing able  to  sleep  on  the  docks. 

There  is  hope  that  the  new 
libraries,  philanthrop  i  c  a  1 1  y 
given  the  city,  will  be  com- 
pleted by  next  summer  that  the 
advantages  of  the  cool  marble 
steps  may  be  enjoyed  by  those 
who  cannot  find  sleep  in  the 
sweltering,  ill-ventilated  tene- 
ments. Poor  children  have  suf- 
fered this  summer  as  in  other 
summers.  Their  condition  is 
pitiable  to  behold.  Here,  in- 
deed, is  work  for  those  who  find 
that  wealth  is  so  irksome  as  to 
cause  its  owners  sleepless  hours 
in  thinking  how  best  it 
can  serve  humanity. 

We  have  opened  a  subscrip- 
tion, heading  the  list  with  of- 
fers of  a  complimentary  copy 
of  The  Inflated  for  every  sub- 
scriber for  a  Free  Open  Air 
Park,  where  the  poor  may  find 
repose  without  molestation. 

Free  Ice  and  Free  Fresh  Air 
are  excellent  adjuncts  to  com- 
fort, but  Free  Sleep  in  a  Free 
Park  and  a  Free  copy  of  our 
journal  would  be  a  blessing  and 
a  boon  to  mankind. 


THE     MONOCLE      ADVISES 

THOSE    WHO    COME    TO 

THE  UNITED  STATES 

FOR   A   LIVING. 
ADVANTAGES  OF  SET- 
TLING   IN    THE    SALUBRI- 
OUS ATMOSPHERE  OF 

THE  GOLDEN  WEST. 

VARIED     OPINIONS     THAT 

MAY  BE  READ  WITH 

INTEREST. 

A  representative  of  The  In- 
flated met  the  Monocle  while  in 
a  most  communicative  mood. 

"Oh,  yes,  I  am  willing  to 
give  you  something  of  my  ob- 
servations while  traveling 
through  the  luxurious  State  of 
California,"  said  the  Monocle. 

"You  were  evidently  impress- 
ed with  the  country?"  asked 
the  newspaperman. 

"Unquestionably.  It  is  a  re- 
markable State  and  the  only 
wonder  to  me  is,  that  it  is  not 
far  more  thickly  populated." 

"What  are  the  advantages  as 
you  see  them?" 

"Climate,  soil,  indeed,  out 
there  can  be  found  every  con- 
ceivable commercial  and  social 
opportunity  for  the  industri- 
ous; every  possible  happiness 
for  every  class." 

"What  disadvantages  did  you 
note?" 

"There  are  no  disadvantages 
out  there  other  than  those 
placed  upon  the  agriculturalists 
by,sofar  as  I  could  gather,inor- 
dinately  heavy  railway  freight 
charges,  which  militate 


ACCEPTED  75 

against  the  output  of  the  enormous  yield  of  the  agricultural 
districts.  Those  freight  charges  are  a  crippler.  California 
is  so  blessed  that  were  the  opportunity  to  supply  the  mar- 
kets of  the  world  allowed  by  the  reasonable  adjustment  of 
carrying  charges,  the  farmer  and  fruit  grower  would  thrive 
as  in  no  other  land.  The  railway  instead  of  being  a  boon, 
actually  cramps  and  holds  back  and  ties  the  hands  of  the 
tillers  of  the  soil. 

CALIFORNIA  A  MARVELOUS   COUNTRY. 

"California,"  continued  the  Monocle  "is  rich,  develop- 
ing, wondrous  and  hospitable.  Its  vast  and  fruitful  land 
waits  to  welcome  the  sturdy  yeoman;  it  invites  the  indus- 
trious to  develop  it,  and,  by  the  way,  its  natural  oppor- 
tunities for  manufacturing,  while  unlimited,  are  almost 
neglected  and  overlooked.  A  laborer  may  work  the  three 
hundred  and  sixty-five  days  of  the  year  without  climatic 
hindrance.  He  can  feed  well ;  indeed,  for  small  cost  is  en- 
abled to  live  as  comfortably  as  the  merchant  in  your  East. 
He  can  indulge  his  appetite,  and  far  better  than  most  busi- 
ness men  in  other  parts  of  your  continent.  There  are  no 
cruel  blizzards  to  interrupt  his  day's  labor,  nor  sweltering 
summers  to  threaten  him  with  collapse  and  prostration. 
To  those  industrious  persons  who  wish  a  pacific  livelihood, 
to  those  who  come  to  the  United  States  in  the  hope  of  ac- 
quiring a  competency,  to  the  young  man  of  the  East  who 
is  willing  to  tear  himself  from  the  false  and  alluring  glam- 
our of  the  much  crowded  cities,  I  commend  heaven-blessed 
California.  The  future  of  the  sun-warmed  State  cannot 
be  estimated.  Its  wealth,  mineral,  agricultural  and  flori- 
cultural,  is  so  vast,  and  its  advantages  so  great,  that  it  is  a 
surprise  to  me  that  more  thousands,  especially  those  with 
small  means,  do  not  flock  to  take  the  benefit  of  it  all/' 


76  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

"And  as  a  place  of  residence  for  the  wealthy  ?"  asked  the 
newspaperman. 

"In  that  important  respect,  too,  California  cannot  be  ex- 
celled. The  Metropolis  of  the  Pacific  Coast  offers  extra- 
ordinary social  inducements  to  the  visitor,  the  settler  and 
the  natives  of  the  soil.  The  educational  institutions  are  of 
the  very  highest  degree  of  excellence.  Society,  notwith- 
standing the  cosmopolitan  character  of  the  population,  is 
absolutely  conservative.  The  Municipal  government  quite 
equals  any  similar  government  of  the  older  cities  of  the 
world,  as  far  as  I  could  see,  and  I  noted  that  one  particular 
essential  to  comfort  especially.  The  residences  are  ad- 
mirably equipped,  architecturally  fascinating,  and,  in  nu- 
merous instances,  actually  palatial.  There  are  handsome 
theaters,  not  alone  in  San  Francisco,  but  in  every  city  and 
in  almost  every  town  in  the  State  of  California;  all  being 
conducted  and  played  in  a  faultless  manner  and  under 
first  rate  direction.  As  a  matter  of  fact  several  of  the 
shrewdest  and  most  capable  managers,  authors,  actors  and 
opera  singers  in  the  United  States,  in  the  past  and  to-day, 
graduated  from  sunny,  amusement-loving  San  Francisco. 
The  membership  of  the  clubs  is  of  the  exclusive  and  can 
number  writers,  painters,  musicians,  raconteurs,  wits, 
statesmen,  princely  merchants  and  the  best  that-  modern 
clubdom  can  boast.  The  people  live  with  a  profusion  of 
perfume-spreading  flowers  for  companions,  and  graceful 
tall  palms  and  richly  foliaged  trees  and  the  greenest  of 
green  lawns,  no  matter  which  way  you  turn,  to  enchant  the 
eye  as  if  to  remind  one  of  the  inestimable  pleasure  and  de- 
light and  calm  and  repose  to  be  found  in  sublime  nature. 
My  dear  sir,  the  world  has  hardly  awakened  to  the  ines- 
timable advantages  offered  by  the  God-favored  lands  of 
California.  It  is  there  that  nature  smiles  its  happiest, 
whether  on  the  virgin  sand-shores  of  the  Pacific,  or  be- 


ACCEPTED  77 

you'd  the  emerald-capped  mountains,,  or  through  the  sweet 
scented  orange  groves  and  luscious-fruited  orchards.  It 
seems  to  me  to  be  an  ever-smiling  land,  awaiting  to  satisfy 
with  prodigal  hospitality  the  needs  of  all  mankind." 


THE    MONOCLE   VENTS    ITS    OPINION    ABOUT 
CHICAGO  AND  BOSTON  AND  OTHEE  CITIES 
AND  SPEAKS  OF  DEPRAVED  POLITICAL 
VERSUS   CLEAN  MUNICIPAL  POWER 
—NEW  YORK  CITY  A  MAGNIFI- 
CENT GIANT. 

"You,  of  course,  had  a  view  of  Windy  City?"  asked  the 
newspaperman. 

"Windy  City !"  exclaimed  the  Monocle  with  an  effort  to 
recollect.  "No ;  I  do  not  remember  having  stopped  over  at 
any  city  of  that  name,  indeed,  I  am  positive " 

"By  Windy  City  I  mean  Chicago,"  explained  the  news- 
paperman. 

"I  thank  you  for  your  lucid  explanation.  Windy  City ! 
Dear  me,  I  suppose  Chicago  is  so  called  by  reason  of  the 
winds  from  Lake  Michigan?" 

"Possibly  that,"  said  the  newspaperman. 

"I  met  them  face  to  face,  yet  I  didn't  recognize  anything 
about  them  at  all  exceptional  from  other  winds.  But  your 
question  was,  I  believe,  as  to  my  view  of  that  city.  Yes, 
I  dropped  in  and  walked  between  the  lofty  cloud-reached 
buildings  which,  with  their  countless  commercial  offices, 
are  monumental  proof  of  the  enterprise  of  that  very  ex- 
traordinary and  quick-grown  center  of  industry  and  thrift." 

"Naturally,  you  paid  a  visit  to  Chicago's  great  slaughter 
yard  ?"  inquired  the  newspaperman. 


78  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

"Naturally,  I  paid  visits  to  Chicago's  great  University 
as  well  as  to  many  of  her  admirably  organized  public  in- 
stitutions and  localities  of  princely  residences,"  retorted  the 
Monocle. 

"You  evidently  think  well  of  Porkopolis  ?" 

"I  think  well,  indeed,  highly,  of  Chicago/'  replied  the 
Monocle. 

"I  note  in  you  a  deep  strain  of  reverence,"  declared  the 
newspaperman. 

"Say  as  well  that  you  note  in  me  a  keen  sense  of  justice 
and  a  ready  recognition  and  appreciation  of  that  which  is 
deserving  of  respect." 

"Don't  you  think  that  many  years  must  elapse  before 
Chicago  can  hope  to  come  any  way  near  New  York  from 
an  educational,  social,  artistic  and  commercial  standpoint  ?" 
asked  the  newspaperman. 

"If  you  are  very  anxious  to  have  my  candid  opinion,  then 
here  it  is:  From  the  points  you  advance  for  comparison, 
Chicago  suffers  not  one  whit,  since  she  has  taken  hold  of 
and  enjoys  every  advantage  that  modern  invention  and  cul- 
ture are  able  and  ready  to  bestow.  She  can  boast  a  clean 
cut  social  set.  I  like  her  social  set.  It  isn't  clothed  in 
tinsel  and  it  is  thoroughly  healthy  and  robust." 

"Then  black-soot-smearing  smoke  must  be  of  some  ad- 
vantage after  all,"  said  the  newspaperman. 

"I  should  say  of  decided  advantage,"  returned  the  Mon- 
ocle. 

"But  a  devilish  nuisance  you'll  admit?"  inquired  the 
newspaperman. 

"When  those  chimney  stacks  by  the  hundreds  emit 
columns  of  curling,  writhing  smoke  and  showers  of  soot, 
remember  that  they  represent  the  working  of  thousands  of 
toiling  men;  they  tell  of  the  feeding  and  the  clothing  of 
families;  they  are  the  signs  which  remind  the  visitor  that 
he  has  come  to  a  home  of  industry  where  the  live  man  may 


ACCEPTED  79 

find  labor.  That  smoke  of  which  you  complain,  is  to  the 
laborer  what  the  beacon  light  is  to  the  mariner.  That  curl- 
ing smoke  beckons  the  artisan  to  the  furnace  doors,  while 
in  the  buzz  of  the  monster  machinery  can  be  heard  the  song 
of  welcome — the  paean  telling  of  prosperity." 


THE  MONOCLE  DECLARES  CHICAGO  A  WONDER- 
FUL CITY. 

"When  one  is  reminded  that  once  upon  a  time,  and  not 
so  long  ago,  that  smoky,  busy,  thriving,  massive  Chicago, 
like  Troy,  arose  from  the  ashes,  one  can  the  better  appre- 
ciate the  push  and  quick  thinking  precocity  of  its  founders, 
a  go-aheadedness  that  obtains  to  this  very  day,  a  character- 
istic which  will  surely  raise,  not  before  long,  either,  the 
Western  Metropolis  to  the  proud  position  of  being  the 
largest  populated  city  of  the  "United  States.  Now,  replying 
to  your  other  questions  as  to  its  social  and  artistic  stand- 
ing as  compared  to  the  Atlantic-gate  city  of  the  States,  I 
have  but  to  refer  you  to  a  view  of  the  superior  homes,  the 
quite  admirable  conduct  of  the  public  institutions,  the 
luxurious  club  advantages,  the  temples  of  amusement,  the 
spacious  parks  and,  what  I  choose  to  call,  the  astonishing 
mercantile  arenas  and  the  bountiful  and  unstinted  hos- 
pitality, together  with  the  hearty  manner  with  which  it  is 
bestowed  and  lavished.  I  take  it  that  Chicago,  and  the 
cities  west  of  the  Mississippi,  are  typically  United  States 
American,  as  are  also  the  restful,  reposeful  cities  of  the 
kindly,  genial  South." 


80  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

THE  MONOCLE  SPEAKS  OF  BOSTON  AND  FAIR- 
LY ENTHUSES  OVER  THE  HUB. 

"And  what  about  the  Hub?  Our  School-ma'am?  Our 
monitor  ?  Our  Preceptor  ?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"Boston !"  exclaimed  the  Monocle;  "how  could  I  bestow 
other  than  heartfelt  appreciation  of  that  acknowledged 
seat  of  conservative  commercialism  and  lofty  learning  ?" 

"Ah,  I  see,  you  have  tasted  of  its  intellectual  beans!" 
gasped  the  newspaperman. 

"Beans  are  much  more  wholesome,"  returned  the 
Monocle,  "than  a  bill  of  fare,  ill-smelling  of  garlic  and  col- 
ored with  the  drippings  of  a  cheap,  bad  claret — the  very 
objectionable  and  grossly  uninviting  characteristics  of  a 
Fifty  Cent  Alien  Table  D'Hote." 

"Naturally,  you  will  show  a  preference  for  a  city  so  very 
English,  you  know !" 

"Indeed,  I  found  the  Bostonians  no  different  from  the 
rest  of  the  great,  good-blooded  descendants  of  the  Anglo- 
Saxon  race;  and,  coming  down  to  that  very  extraordinary 
attempt  at  satire,  I  have  often  met  here,  about  being  'So 
very  English,  you  know/  I  would  ask  whether  in  your  heart 
you  truthfully  think  it  a  crime  or  ridiculous  or  tomfoolery 
or  grotesque  to  retain  and  maintain  the  gallant  customs, 
habits,  characteristics,  valor,  courage  and  innate  honor  of 
your  noble  sires  and  the  purity  and  chastity  of  your  sweet 
mothers,  who  were  the  very  sons  and  daughters  of  English 
men  and  English  women?  Do  you  hear  your  German- 
American  citizen  scoff  his  fellow  countryman,  or  the  de- 
cendants  of  Germans,  with,  'So  very  German,  you  know!' 
or  the  French- American  twit  his  blood  relation  with,  'So 
very  French,  you  know !'  or  the  Italian- American  snarl  at 
his  compatriot,  'So  very  Italian,  you  know !'  ?  No,  sir,  you 
do  not !  They  do  not  make  believe  that  their  blood  is  di- 


ACCEPTED  81 

luted,  but  pride  themselves  on  their  constant  endeavor  to 
maintain  it  in  all  its  native  glow.  While  they  do  honor 
and  give  allegiance  to  the  country  of  their  adoption,  they 
still  proudly  think  of  the  land  which  gave  them  birth  and 
continue  to  regard  with  respect  and  love  the  companions 
of  their  childhood." 

"You  will  agree  that  we  need  not  make  ourselves  servile 
imitators?"  urged  the  newspaperman. 

"Which  of  you  that  has  done  so?"  questioned  the  Mon- 
ocle. "Let  me  draw  a  parallel:  The  highly  bred  horses 
that  are  transported  to  these  shores  from  across  the  seas 
for  the  purpose  of  assuring  a  certain  stable  the  best  class 
of  animals,  what  of  them  ?  An  enormous  price  is  unstint- 
ingly  given  for  them  for  the  reason  that  their  brood,  it  is 
hoped  and  expected,  will  turn  out  to  be  of  equal  value. 
The  strain  in  the  descendants  is  boasted  by  the  stud-owner ; 
he  is  proud  of  the  blood  of  the  sire  and  the  dam,  which  he 
sees  in  every  step,  in  every  vein  and  every  characteristic  of 
the  youngsters.  He  tells  his  guest  that  the  pride  of  his  eye 
in  that  stall  is  by  imported  Sir  Modred  out  of  imported 
Fairy  Queen.  That  owner  and  breeder  never  forgets  the 
blue-blooded  progenitors.  He  refers  to  them  with  pro- 
found respect,  and  his  one  desire  is  always  that  the  equine 
progeny  shall  inherit  every  trait  of  their  ancestors.  When 
he  sees  his  colts,  those  from  the  imported  stock,  step  up  to 
the  chin  and  with  rounded  neck  and  flowing  mane  prance 
and  caper,  and  move  with  noble  stride,  he  does  not  say  de- 
risively, 'so  English,  you  know  !3  If  he  were  to  say  it  at  all 
it  would  be  with  exultant  pride.  Now  as  for  the  Bostonian, 
I  grant  you  that  he  carries  the  mark  of  his  good  ancestry, 
and,  forgive  me  for  saying  it,  but,  so  do  you." 

"I  am  an  American,  sir!"  declared  the  newspaperman. 

"In  the  name  of  heaven  I  never  said  you  were  a  Hotten- 
tot !"  cried  the  Monocle.  "Of  course  you  are  an  American, 
and,  faith !  your  proud  progenitors  came  here  from  across 

81-6 


82  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

those  seas  and  they  increased  and  multiplied  and  Uncle 
Sam,  looking  down  upon  his  frisky,  high-stepping  colts,  ad- 
miringly soliloquizes  thus:  cls't  any  wonder  my  high 
steppers  and  pacers  can  win  any  race  hands  down,  and  in  a 
canter?  Their  sire  was  Old  England,  dam  Brittannia! 
What  better  pedigree,  I  trow?'  Blood,  my  boy,  will  tell 
in  man  as  well  as  in  beast.  Those  who  affect  to  pooh-pooh 
that  human  fact  are  trying  in  vain  to  deceive  themselves/' 

"Well,  let  us  go  back  to  Boston,"  suggested  the  news- 
paper man. 

"Willingly,"  agreed  the  Monocle,  "for  I  love  the  dear, 
historical  place.  Boston,  like  delightful  and  sedate  Phila- 
delphia and  aristocratic  Baltimore  and  semi-tropical  New 
Oi  leans,  and  many  other  of  your  distinguished  sea-girt  and 
inland  cities,  is  a  truly  Imperial  representative  of  your 
country.  Its  women,  as  well  as  its  men,  carry  in  the  van 
the  banner  of  learning;  they  lead  the  march  from  that  dig- 
nified University  Campus  whence  much  of  the  wisdom  is 
disseminated  over  your  land." 

THE  MONOCLE  CASTS  ITS  REFLECTION  ON  NEW 
YORK  CITY. 

"And  our  Metropolis,  what  opinion  may  you  have  formed 
of  that  greatest  city  on  all  earth;  that  monument  of  all 
that's  wonderful ;  that  gigantic  abode  of  between  two  mill- 
ion and  three  million  souls ;  that  political  haven  whence  no 
politician  cares  to  go  beyond  Albany  ?  Speak,  Monocle,  oh 
speak,"  entreated  the  newspaperman. 

"A  handsome  city,  indeed,"  commenced  the  Monocle. 
"A  fine,  prosperous  looking  city,  but  how  very  strange  it  is 
that  so  few  Americans  are  to  be  found  there.  But  that, 
I  think,  can  be  readily  understood,  for  no  one  would  expect 
to  find  a  representative  American  in  an  eight-room-flat- 
apartment,  or  hemmed  in  by  two  portions  of  what  you  call 


UNIVERSITY 

OF 


ACCEPTED 


'The  Tenderloin;'  nor  would  one  expect  to  discover  him 
seated  at  the  blindless,  exposed  windows  of  restaurants,  giv- 
ing the  passing  public  the  privilege  of  beholding  him  gour- 
mandizing.  New  York  City  has  so  many  charming  advan- 
tages that  I  really  feel  sorry  to  see  that  it  has  been  evac- 
uated by  Uncle  Sam's  children  who  have  gone  to  the  de- 
lightful suburbs  to  escape  the  ragged  army  of  politicians 
and  others.  The  Borough  of  Manhattan  is,  in  parts, 
remarkably  handsome  and  attractive,  but,  unfortunately,  it 
is  congested.  It  is  narrow  chested,  towering  sky-high,  al- 
lowing little  breathing  space,  no  room  for  expansion ;  every- 
body lives  either  on  the  top  or  below  everybody  else.  The 
majority  being  compelled  to  live  in  boarding  houses  and 
lodging  houses  and  sandwiched  between  loosely-built,  thin- 
lathed,  plastered  walls,  there  is  only  a  pretension  to  abso- 
lute privacy.  Still,  you  are  a  magnificent  giant  among 
the  cities  of  the  world." 

THE  ALIEN  ELEMENT  STEONG  IN  NEW  YORK. 

"Yes,  the  alien  element  predominates,  arrogates  and  for- 
mulates until  one  is  inclined  to  wonder  why  your  House 
of  Representatives  should  not,  for  the  sake  of  truth,  be 
called  'The  House  of  Cosmospolitans.'  You  have 
those  among  you  who  excel  in  bribery,  according 
to  every  one  of  your  newspapers,  and  I  presume, 
therefore,  the  charge  cannot  be  questioned;  also  in  cor- 
ruption, shameless  police  scandals,  defiance  of  law  and  a 
total  ignoring  of  order.  Accepting  every  one  of  your  papers 
to  be  correct,  and  your  Good  Government  committees  a 
genuine  need,  your  city  is  a  Bedlam,  a  Babylon  and  a  hot- 
bed for  the  worst  and  most  contaminating  political  huck- 
sters that  could  be  collected  in  any  part  of  the  civilized 
world.  Your  police  are  charged  openly  with  being  consort 
with  crime,  and  with  warning  those  against  whom  war- 


84  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

rants  are  issued,  so  they  may  escape ;  and,  actually,  to  poli- 
ticians is  attributed  the  dangerous  and  pitiable  and  rot- 
ting condition  of  the  most  wonderfully  constructed  of  all 
wonderful  bridges.  The  churches  have  sought  protection 
for  the  citizens  against  infamy,  and  the  pulpits  have  echoed 
and  re-echoed  condemnation,  have  appealed  and  suppli- 
cated, and  joined  hands  with  laymen  in  the  hope  of  remedy- 
ing the  degradation  and  wrongs  at  their  doors;  Grand 
Juries  have  been  impaneled  to  investigate  hideous  and 
dark  official  deeds.  Committees  of  Investigation,  besides, 
have  been  appointed  and  have  sat  for  months  probing,  or 
trying  to  probe,  into  the  depths  of  alleged  crime;  author- 
ity has  been  defied  even  by  officials  under  direct  examina- 
tion; impudence  and  audacity  have  been  rampant;  bom- 
bastic refusals  to  reply  to  legitimate  questions  put  by  the 
chairman  appointed  to  sit  in  judgment  by  the  Governor  of 
the  State  have  been  common ;  a  magistrate  flushed  with  his 
sense  of  duty,  and  determined,  so  far  as  was  in  his  power, 
that  the  ends  of  justice  should  not  be  defeated,  has  even 
himself  headed  a  party  of  arresting  officers,  and  so  many 
things  have  happened,  are  happening  and  will  continue  to 
happen,  not  consonant  with  the  dignity  of  so  fine  a  Metro- 
polis of  so  great  a  country,  that  one  staggers  in  dismay  and 
wonders  and  ponders  for  a  reasonable  answer  to  it  all. 
What  is  the  matter  with  the  people  to  allow  it  ?  That  ques- 
tion I  have  heard  time  and  time  again." 

"Have  you  fathomed  the  secret?"  the  newspaperman 
asked. 

"The  cause  is  in  the  political-alien  element  which  rules 
and  fools  and  defies  the  people  of  the  poll.  I  speak,  re- 
member, from  what  I  read,  not  in  a  politically  biased  or 
prejudiced  press,  but  in  the  columns  of  reputable  news- 
papers of  all  shades  of  politics;  newspapers  unanimously 
calling  for  better,  cleaner,  purer  and  truly  representative 
Municipal  Government.  Please  do  not  allow  my  remarks 


ACCEPTED  85 

to  read  as  referring  in  any  way  to  your  National  or  Fed- 
eral Institutions  or  Statesmen,  for  such  is  not  intended. 
I  allude  solely  to  your  Municipal  authorities  and  the  cal- 
lous controllers  of  Municipal  representatives.  I  am  doing  a 
bit  of  pig-sticking  or  tilting  at  the  hogs  that  are  scrambling 
and  fattening  at  your  Municipal  trough. 

"There  will,  I  know,  be  those  who  will  splutter  con- 
demnation over  me,  for  it  is  only  human  nature  after  all 
to  rebel  against  a  criticism  which  is  not  laudatory.  But  let 
me  say  here,  that  in  replying  to  your  anxious  and  urgent 
questions  I  truthfully,  and  without  fear  or  favor,  join  the 
ranks  of  your  clergyman,  your  priest,  your  judge,  your 
most  representative  heads  of  the  body  commercial ;  in  short, 
I  but  echo  the  condemnations  trumpeted  by  your  press  and 
the  whole  of  your  self-respecting  citizens.  In  a  previous  in- 
terview I  gave  you,  which  in  one  or  two  respects  I  would 
certainly  now  modify,  I  might  have  dealt  with  this  vital 
question  but  for  the  fact  that  I  had  not  read  of,  or  studied 
the  Municipal  problem  which  is  so  agitating  you.  Of 
course,  a  change  for  the  better  will  come.  It  may  take 
years.  However,  if  you  are  ready  and  willing  to  wait,  you 
know  all  things  will  come  to  you.  What  bothers  my  compre- 
hension is  the  fact  that,  though  your  highly  esteemed  citi- 
zens are  perpetually  in  arms  against  the  existing  state  of 
affairs,  still  the  wrong  men  are  permitted  to  boldly  con- 
trol matters  just  the  same.  Therefore,  I  take  it  that  your 
good  intentioned  reformer  is  much  in  the  minority,  since 
the  majority  of  the  voters  seat  in  the  cozy-padded  official 
chairs  the  very  men  who  are  objectionable,  and  against 
whom  the  severest  condemnation  is  hurled." 


Read  of  the  Rookeries 
in  Sunday's  Issue. 


Daily 


Homes  of  the  Poor 
in  Sunday's  Issue. 


Vol.  XXIV 


New  York,  Wednesday,  September  18, 1901          Price  5  Cents 


FOUND  DEAD  FROM  STAR- 
VATION   AMID     HOR- 
RIBLE SURROUND- 
INGS IN  A 

TENEMENT  UNFIT  FOR 
CATTLE  TO   SHEL- 
TER IN. 

The  body  of  an  unknown  wo- 
man, almost  naked,  showing 
signs  of  terrible  poverty,  was 
found  at  100  Rookery  Flats 
last  night.  The  unfortunate 
creature,  judging  from  her 
emaciated  condition,  had  evi- 
dently died  from  starvation. 
It  was  learned  later  that  the 
deceased  may  be  Mrs.  Milton 
Maple,  who,  through  losses, 
was  reduced  to  beggary  some 
year  or  so  ago.  She  was  known 
about  the  neighborhood  as  "The 
Lonely  lady."  At  her  feet  was 
found  an  essay  on  "Philan- 
thropy and  Advice  to  Philan- 
thropists— How  best  to  dis- 
tribute their  wealth  since  it 
has  become  to  some  of  them  a 
very  trying  question." 

The  body  was  taken  to  the 
Morgue,  where  an  inquest  will 
be  held. 

In  an  upper  room  in  the 
same  building  was  found  the 
body  of  an  old  man.  He  was 
recognized  as  John  Thrift.  In 
a  letter  he  left  he  admitted  hav- 
ing received  aid  from  several 
charitable  people,  but  ill-luck 
followed  him  and  preyed  upon 
his  mind.  At  the  foot  of  the 
note  he  wrote :  "I  am  now  old, 
and  in  these  days  an  old  man, 
or  woman,  seems  as  much  out 
of  place  as  an  old  horse.  Yes, 
it  would  seem  that  our  useful- 
ness has  passed,  or,  we  are  made 
to  believe  so." 


THE  MONOCLE  VIEWS  THE 

HOMES  OF  THE  POOR 
OF    THE    METROPOLIS    OF 

THE  UNITED  STATES. 
STUNNED  BY  THE  SHAME- 
FUL CONDITION  OF  THE 

DWELLINGS, 

RECOMMENDS    IMPROVE- 
MENTS. 

"So  you  have  made  a  study 
of  the  housing  of  our  poor?" 
the  newspaperman  asked. 

"Most  certainly,"  the  Mon- 
ocle replied,  with  much  em- 
phasis. "I  heard  so  many  com- 
pare the  poor  of  the  old  coun- 
try with  the  poor  of  the  United 
States  that  I  made  it  my  busi- 
ness to  study  the  condition  of 
the  unfortunate  of  your  great- 
est city.  I  conclude  that  the 
majority  of  those  who  make 
the  comparison  know  either 
nothing  at  all  of  the  subject  or 
are  incapable  of  appreciating 
the  suffering  at  their  doors." 

"Then  the  results  of  your  ex- 
periences are?" 

"That  for  a  modern  city, 
your  New  York  presents  a  de- 
plorable spectacle  so  far  as  the 
rr  are  concerned.  I  am  not 
the  least  surprised  to  find 
that,  with  warmth,  your  very 
able  and  watchful  press  has 
often  bemoaned  the  very  shock- 
ing condition  that  exists." 

"Yet  our  charitable  institu- 
tions are  many  and  the  money 
contributed  by  the  charitably 
disposed,  to  say  nothing  of  the 


ACCEPTED  87 

sums  paid  out  by  the  City  and  State  Governments,  is  sim- 
ply enormous.  You  will,  at  least,  admit  as  much?"  de- 
manded the  newspaperman. 

"I  do  not  refer  to  that  class  which  is  cared  for  by  public 
funds.  I  allude  to  the  industrious  population  that  is  desir- 
ous of  being,  and  is  able  to  be,  self-sustaining.  I  affirm,  sirj 
that  in  no  other  city  in  the  world  could  the  housing  of  the 
industrious  poor  be  more  inhumane,  more  shameful  or  more 
at  variance  with  the  superfine  ethics  and  elevating  sestheti- 
cism  laid  down  by  civilization. 

THE  NEW  YORK  TENEMENTS. 

"From  the  lower  East  side  of  New  York  City  to  well  up- 
town, much,  too,  on  the  West  side,  can  be  seen  any  summer 
day  or  night  a  condition  of  bodily  and  mental  suffering  that 
rivals  description." 

"You  will  admit  it  would  be  a  hard  matter  to  care  for 
so  many  unhappy  thousands?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"I  admit  nothing  of  the  sort.  Those  of  the  class  for 
whom  I  speak  are,  generally,  industrious  and  ask  no  care, 
no  charity,  only  decent  habitation  in  return  for  the  ex* 
tortionately  high  rent  demanded.  As  things  are  they  must 
exist  in  quarters  unfit  even  for  animals." 

"To  whom  do  you  attribute  such  a  state  of  affairs  ?" 

"To  your  Public  Health  Department  for  one,"  replied 
the  Monocle,  with  much  warmth. 

"The  Health  Department  of  the  City  of  New  York  is 
efficient  and  is  always  on  the  alert;  it  performs  its  duty," 
said  the  newspaperman  in  a  tone  indicating  that  he  knew 
what  he  was  talking  about. 

"Were  the  Health  Department  of  this  highly  populated 
city  doing  its  duty,  were  it  on  the  alert,  as  you  say,  it  would 
bring  to  the  Courts  of  Justice  those  persons  who  own  the 
hovels,  and  grow  fat  on  the  rents  therefrom.  If  after  proper 
and  decisively  swift  notice  such  owners  neglected  to  re- 
build their  ramshackle  dens,  or  improve  and  make  them 


88  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

habitable  and  fit  for  human  occupancy,  they  should  be 
charged  with  maintaining  a  nuisance,  in  as  much  as  they 
suffered  fellow  Christians  to  pay  for  rent  and  live  in  dwell- 
ings unfit  for  human  habitation.  Get  at  the  landlord !  He 
is  the  person  to  bring  to  account;  he  is  the  one  to  see  to  it 
that  there  are  no  leaks  and  apertures  to  let  in  the  rains 
and  the  cold  blasts  of  the  terrible,  pitiless  winters  en- 
countered here.  I  wonder  if  such  a  person  ever  stops  to 
think  of  the  comfortless  hearths  of  his  tenants  and  of  the 
inability  of  many  of  them  to  provide  themselves  with  even 
coal  to  ward  off  the  biting  frost  and  penetrating  winds  that 
come  in  at  the  creaking  doors  and  dilapidated,  foul-smell- 
ing passages  and  ill-fitting  windows  ?" 

"But,  my  dear  Monocle,  in  a  week  after  repairs  had  been 
completed  wouldn't  the  class  whose  comfort  you  champion 
have  their  rooms  and  halls  and  stairs  and  passages  in  as 
bad  order  as  ever  ?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"To  that  I  unhesitatingly  say,  No !  Those  rookeries  have 
been  allowed  to  decay  for  years,"  declared  the  Monocle. 

"Again,  I  will  ask  you  whether  the  class  of  tenants  un- 
der discussion  would  guard  and  maintain  the  property  if  it 
were  put  in  good  condition  ?" 

"There  should  be  regulations  that  would  require  of  each 
tenant  a  proper  care  of  the  property  and  a  strict  observance 
of  hygienic  rules.  Should  he  be  careless  of  sanitary  laws 
and  order,  his  obstinacy  could  be  met  with  ejectment,  after 
due  caution,  of  course.  Such  a  stand  on  the  part  of  the 
landlord  would  teach  the  poor  class  to  respect,  and,  ulti- 
mately, admire  the  regulations  compelling  cleanliness." 

"But  can  you  teach  that  class?"  asked  the  newspaper- 
man. 

"If  the  untamed  savage  can  be  reached  and  shown  the 
advantage  of  civilization,  why  could  not  those  of  the  care- 
less poor  be  brought  to  appreciate  the  benefits  to  be  derived 
from  reasonable  care  of  property  and,  also,  the  inestimable 


ACCEPTED  89 

blessing  and  comfort  to  be  gained  from  the  use  of  soap? 
There  is  much  persuasive  power  in  invitation  and  encour- 
agement. So  let  your  rent-gatherer  invite  scrupulous  care 
on  the  part  of  the  tenant.  A  kindly  word  will  go  a  great 
way  and  will,  nine  cases  out  of  ten,  create  appreciation  and 
good  will.  It  is  too  often  the  case  that  the  rent-collector 
bulldozes  and  blusters  and  snaps  at  the  luckless  occupant  of 
a  rookery-shamble,  taking  his  rent  something  after  the 
fashion  of  a  hungry  wolf  pouncing  upon  its  prey.  If  the 
landlord  would  do  his  share,  I  guarantee  you  that  the  hous- 
ing  of  the  poor  would  no  longer  remain  a  troublesome  theme 
to  the  philanthropist  and  sociologist." 


tbe  Daily  Inflated 


Get  a  Hymnal 

with    Sunday's    Issue. 


Vol.  XXIV  New  York,  Thursday,  September  19th,  1901          Price  5  Cents 


HOSPITAL     SCANDAL— LIT- 
TLE  ACCOMMODATION 

FOR  THE  POOR- 
RED  TAPE  A  TERROR! 
The  press  of  this  city  has 
often  protested  against  the  slip- 
shod methods  and  faulty  medi- 
cal opinions  practiced  and  de- 
cided in  certain  hospitals.  The 
poor  suffer  too  often  a  lack  of 
attention,  and,  consequently, 
their  pain  is  accelerated  by 
forms  and  red  tape  and  a  want 
of  adequate  accommodation. 
The  press  of  this  city,  some 
while  ago,  exposed  the  shock- 
ing treatment  of  the  insane 
poor.  The  revelations  were 
such  as  to  cause  a  shudder  in 
the  whole  community.  The 
fact  is  there  is  not  sufficient 
accommodation  for  the  sick 
poor;  a  matter  that  will  sooner 
or  later  have  to  be  looked  into 
with  the  same  thoroughness  as 
is  shown  for  crippled  animals 
by  the  watchful  officials  of  the 
Society  for  the  Prevention  of 
Cruelty  to  Animals.  Here  is  .a 
chance  for  the  gold-weighted 
Philanthropist,  if  he  would 
have  his  name  engraved  on  the 
memory  of  all  mankind.  We 
are  sure  that  this  matter  has 
only  to  be  brought  to  the  atten- 
tion of  those  good  Philanthro- 
pists who  are  ever  ready  to 
heed  and  adopt  advice  in  behalf 
of  the  helpless  sufferer. 


THE  PHILANTHROPIST  RE- 
CEIVES  ATTENTION 
FROM       THE 

MONOCLE 

INTERVIEWED  ON  THE 
SUBJECT  OF  FABU- 
LOUS GIFTS 

TO   WELL   PROTECTED   IN- 
STITUTIONS. 

HAS  MUCH  OF  MOMENT  TO 
SUGGEST. 

"Naturally  you  have  given 
our  great  and  good  Philan- 
thropists a  thought?"  the  news- 
paperman asked,  with  a  smile. 

"You  have  among  you  many 
estimable  and  extraordinarily 
wealthy  gentlemen,  whose  phil- 
anthropy, if  it  can  be  so 
called,  tends  toward  the  filling 
of  the  coffers  of  your  colleges 
and  universities,  founding 
chairs  of  learning  and  building 
Public  Libraries  in  cities  where 
excellent  libraries  already  ex- 
ist." 

"Your  answer  is  not  sug- 
gestive of  praise  for  such  mag- 
nanimity," the  newspaperman 
said  plainly  and  with  a  super- 
cilious smile. 

"How  can  you  expect  me  to 
reach  the  sublime  height  of  en- 
thusiasm when  I  consider  that, 
at  least,  some  of  the  millions 
being  donated  in  the  cause  of 
education,  already  well  and 
generously  cared  for,  might  be 
divided  so  as  to  alleviate  the 
suffering  of  many  of  the  help- 
less among  us?  While  acknowl- 


ACCEPTED  31 

edging  the  needs  of  education,  I  cannot  forget  that  there 
exists  intense  and  agonizing  suffering  at  your  very  doors. 
There  are  pleas  from  your  hungry  and  prayers  from  your 
crippled;  there  are  death-beds  made  scenes  of  horror  by 
reason  of  the  deplorable  poverty  and  the  murdering-starva- 
tion  of  the  one  passing  to  the  Great  Beyond.  Oh,  ye  build- 
ers of  costly  libraries,  ye  great  and  good  men,  would  that 
your  foot-steps  strayed  into  the  courts  and  the  alleys,  the 
by-ways,  alias  sad-ways,  the  tottering  brick  barracks  of  the 
army  of  the  poor,  scorched  and  baking  furnaces  in  your  tor- 
rid summers  and  Arctic  regions  in  your  relentless  winters ! 
Your  agents,  your  representatives,  your  parsons,  priests, 
missionaries,  Salvationists  (good  souls),  can  in  one  breath 
divulge  to  ye  stories  of  poverty,  that  would  make  ye  feel 
like  turning  those  magnificent  book-homes  into  Asylums 
and  Retreats  for  those  who,  through  misfortune  alone,  are 
being  dragged  down,  down,  down,  deeper  and  deeper ;  hun- 
gry for  love,  hungry  for  one  word  of  hope,  hungry  for  the 
touch  of  a  kindly  hand,  hungry  for  a  last  consoling  word." 

"But  won't  the  advancement  of  education,  in  time,  les- 
sen the  suffering  V9  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"First  of  all  the  material  condition  of  the  masses  must  be 
cared  for,  the  body  nourished  and  properly  housed.  Witft 
that  foundation  successfully  accomplished,  would  come 
the  desire  to  devour  the  Philanthropist's  literature." 

"What  would  you,  as  a  world-wide  traveler  and  student 
of  human  nature  suggest,  supposing  that  I  had  the  good 
fortune  to  seek  the  distribution  of  a  few  stray  millions?" 
asked  the  newspaperman. 

THE  PROPER  HOUSING  OF  THE  POOR  A  GREAT 
NECESSITY. 

"I  would  say  to  you  this,"  replied  the  Monocle,  "I  would 
say :  Expend,  at  any  rate,  a  part  of  the  money  you  wish  to 


92  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

distribute  for  the  welfare  of  mankind,  in  the  erection  of 
model  dwellings  to  be  let  out  at  such  rental  as  would  meet 
the  convenience  of  the  very  limited  pockets  of  the  most 
lowly  and,  at  the  same  time,  to  be  arranged  so  as  to  cover 
the  expense  of  conducting  and  keeping  the  establishments 
in  the  best  possible  condition.  Flats  on  the  same  principle 
as  the  Model  Lodging  Houses  of  London,  with  spacious 
court-yards  for  the  benefit  of  the  children,  should  be 
adopted  and  all  should  be  under  the  watchful  management 
of  an  intellectual  superintendent;  intellectual,  mind  you, 
who  would  demand  that  cleanliness  and  good  order  be  rig- 
orously observed  on  the  part  of  the  tenants.  I  would  call 
the  foundation  of  such  institutions  good  philanthropy  and, 
besides,  they  would  be  lasting  monuments  to  the  generous 
founders.  Mind  you,I  do  not  presume  for  a  moment  to  criti- 
cise the  noble  gentlemen  who  lavish  their  millions  for  the 
educational  advancement  of  their  less  fortunate  brothers, 
but,  I  do  think  that  much  of  the  money  could  be  dis- 
tributed in  the  manner  I  suggest,  a  course  which  would 
prove  a  blessing  and  a  saviour  to  many  thousands." 


THE  CHILDREN  OF  THE    POOE    WOULD    REAP 

THE  BENEFIT,  SAYS  THE  MONOCLE,  AT  THE 

SAME    TIME    AGREEING    THAT    THERE 

IS  PLENTY  OF  CHARITY   IN   OUR 

FAIR  LAND. 

"The  children  of  the  poor,  especially,  would  be  benefited. 
They  would  be  benefited  by  the  superior  surroundings,  and, 
in  that  alone,  a  brighter,  cleaner,  more  circumspect  life 
might  be  expected.  You  have  many  more  great  and  good 
hearted  men  who  are  probably  contemplating  as  to  the  best 
means  of  helping  their  fellow-citizens.  No  better  gift  could 


ACCEPTED  95 

be  made,  no  more  needed  institutions  could  be  founded  as 
a  result  of  their  munificence  than  the  Model  Lodging 
Houses  I  take  the  liberty  to  suggest." 


THE  MONOCLE  SEES  GREAT  GOOD  IN  THE 
WORLD. 

"The  world,"  continued  the  Monocle,  "grows  greater 
and  richer  every  day  and  with  the  marvelous  accumula- 
tion of  wealth,  of  course,  it  is  a  glorious  state  to  note  the 
unselfish  and  extraordinary  dispensation  of  means  to  aid 
in  the  betterment  of  the  people's  education.  In  face  of 
such  munificence  I  marvel  at  the  audacity  of  men  who  set 
themselves  up  as  censors,  denouncers  and  enemies  of  the 
rich  ;of  men  too  ready  to  influence  and  distract  the  minds  of 
their  blind  followers.  Those  very  men  who  cry  down  curses 
upon  the  heads  of  the  wealthy,  might  probably  not  do  half, 
or  a  quarter,  as  well  did  fortune  endow  them  with  the  same 
riches.  It  really  only  needs  the  distribution  of  such 
stupendous  sums  of  money,  as  have  been  given,  in  the  direc- 
tion which  will  more  directly  reach  the  masses,  to  make 
them  understand  and  know  and  feel  that  the  generous 
givers  of  millions  have  striven  to  accumulate  wealth,  not 
alone  for  themselves  and  their  families,  but  for  the  good  of 
all  mankind.  Who,  my  dear  sir,  will  deny  that  we  are  liv- 
ing in  an  age  of  generosity?  Who  will  dare  stand  up  to- 
day and,  in  all  conscience,  acclaim  the  moneyed  man  an 
enemy  of  the  common  people?  Never  was  such  charity 
known  as  now,  never  was  the  world  in  so  bright  a  condition, 
never  were  the  people  of  all  nations  so  arrayed  in  the  armor 
of  industry  and  thrift.  And  the  keener  the  competition 
between  the  respective  nations,  the  better  shall  it  be  for  all. 
Competition  is  an  exhilarating  elixir.  It  infuses  into  the 
blood  a  desire  to  do  better  than  one's  neighbor ;  it  keeps  the 


94  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

wheel  of  industry  revolving  and,  consequently,  if  not  all, 
then  the  greater  part  of  the  world  is  employed.  The  poor 
will  be  wherever  you  go,  wheresoever  you  may  turn,  and 
for  that  class  which  in  your  great  Metropolis,  as  in  all  other 
cities,  must,  it  seems,  be  present,  I  have  already  spoken.  I 
have  pointed  out  the  terribly  dilapidated,  uninviting  and 
crime-germed  condition  of  their  homes.  If  my  views  are 
heeded,  the  lives  of  the  unfortunate  may  be  made  more 
bearable  and  fit  to  withstand  the  climatic  severities  which 
even  cut  down  those  who  are  comfortably  and  luxuriously 
sheltered.  Yes,  my  d^r  sir,  there  is  plenty  of  charity  in 
your  fair  land,  but  does  it  always  find  its  way  along  the 
right  channels?" 


Get    our    pictures    of 
Justice  as  we  see  it. 


Cbe  Daily  inflated 


See  our  Political 
Cartoons. 


Vol.  XXIV 


New  York,  Friday,  September  20th,  1901 


Price  5  Cents 


STRANGE    FORMS    OF   JUS- 
TICE. 

IS     THERE     EQUALITY     IN 

OUR   LAW   COURTS,  OR 

ONE  LAW  FOR  RICH 

AND     ONE     FOR 

THE  POOR? 

Mr.  Brazen  Nuggets,  who  as 
far  back  as  two  years  ago  was 
charged  with  embezzling  the 
funds  of  the  Bing-Go  Bang 
Bank,  this  city,  which  proceed- 
ing brought  ruin  upon  some 
thousands  of  citizens,  was 
brought  up  for  sentence  yester- 
day. Owing  to  the  prostrate 
condition  of  his  great  grand- 
mother, Mr.  Brazen  Nuggets 
was  released  on  his  own  recog- 
nizance, which  means  that 
there  is  no  immediate  fear  of 
his  ever  receiving  a  sentence 
for  his  breach  of  trust  as  man- 
ager of  the  defunct  bank. 

In  the  same  court  Thomas 
Strivehard  was  sentenced  to 
three  months  for  getting  an 
honest  living,  but  without  first 
having  obtained  a  peddler's 
license  to  do  so. 

For  stealing  a  loaf,  Sandy 
Breadless  was  sentenced  to  ten 
years'  imprisonment.  His  wife 
pleaded  that  starvation  in- 
stigated her  husband  to  commit 
the  larceny.  The  sickly  appear- 
ance of  her  six  children  in  court 
quite  corroborated  her  state- 
ment. A  collection  was  taken 
up  for  the  poor  family  in  the 
court  room.  The  Society  for 
the  Protection  of  Women  and 
Children  took  up  the  case. 

P? 


THE  MONOCLE  IS  DEEPLY 

IMPRESSED  WITH  THE 

WANT  OF  ADMINIS- 

ISTRATION   OF 

JUSTICE. 

SAYS  THAT  IN  THIS  LAND 

OF  BOASTED  EQUALITY 
THERE  IS  A  CONSPICUOUS 
ABSENCE  OF  THAT  DE- 
SIRABLE AND  NECES- 
SARY COMMODITY. 

"You  will  admit,  and,  doubt- 
less, you  have  observed,  that 
every  man  has  a  chance  in  this 
country,"  said  the  newspaper- 
man. 

"I  would  like  to  remark  that 
it  is  really  very  satisfactory  to 
say  the  kindest  things  of  every- 
one and  of  everything.  It  is  a 
source  of  pleasure  to  record  the 
best,  but  it  is,  you  must  own,  a 
false  sentiment  to  pass  over 
glaring  faults,  to  gloss  over 
those  injustices  which  exist  or 
treat  lightly  those  tilings  which 
conspire  to  make  justice  a 
farce  and  trial  by  jury  a  Gil- 
bertian  extravaganza." 

"Please  explain." 

"Only  this  morning,  sir,  I 
clipped  from  one  of  your  very 
important  and  excellent  jour- 
nals the  following: 

"  'It  seems  to  be  easy  enough 
to  convict  a  man  who  steals  a 
loaf  of  bread,  but  when  it  comes 
to  the  looting  of  a  bank  or  a 
United  States  Mint  insur- 
mountable obstacles  seem  to  be 
in  the  way  of  getting  at  the 
culprit!' 


96  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

"And  referring  to  a  financial  crash  in  Germany,  another 
editorial  comments: 

"  'We  have  yet,  however,  to  see  whether  German  law  pun- 
ishes financial  escapades  more  certainly  and  more  severely 
than  they  are  punished  in  this  country,  where  our  State  and 
National  Constitutions  are  a  great  protection  to  rich 
rogues !' 

"Those  expressions,  sir,  I  give  you  from  an  eminently 
representative,  clean,  conservative  and  able  United  States 
paper;  and  so  it  seems  to  me,  after  a  careful  and  unpreju- 
diced observation,  an  observation  corroborated  by  your 
watchful  and  clever  journals,  that  your  justice  miscarries 
and  is  even  dallied  with  and  made  the  most  pronounced  of 
failures  in  numbers  of,  and  exceedingly,  flagrant  cases." 

"You  mean  to  say  in  all  candor  that  we  fail  in  that  most 
vital  institution?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"Your  people  say  so  and  your  newspapers  know  so  and 
say  so.  But  if  you  are  satisfied  to  allow  your  guilty  ones 
to  escape  on  mere  playful  and  convenient  technicalities  that 
is  your  business.  The  injustices  are  palpable  and  many." 

"Will  you  cite  a  few  instances?"  the  newspaperman 
asked,  evidently  much  interested  in  the  subject. 

"Instances  occur  daily,"  went  on  the  Monocle,  "and  no 
man  is  such  a  dunder-headed  blockhead  as  not  to  notice 
them  and  regret  the  flagrant  and  malodorous  miscarriages 
of  your  justice  which  smell  to  the  depths  of  Hell !" 

"Do  you  infer  that  our  judicial  machinery  is  all  wrong?" 
the  newspaperman  asked. 

"I  charge  that  the  works  are  decidedly  out  of  gear,  and 
that  for  the  good  of  society  the  sooner  repaired  and  brought 
up  to  a  normal  and  civilized  condition  the  better  it  will  be 
for  the  security  of  life  and  property." 

"What,  then,  is  the  matter?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"Yes,  what,  indeed,  is  the  matter  ?  I  asked  myself,  when 
only  recently  I  read  in  your  papers  of  a  gentleman  who  had 


ACCEPTED  97 

been  summering  and  wintering  for  ten  years  in  a  prison  in 
the  State  of  Washington,  he  having  been  condemned  to 
death  time  and  time  again,  yet,  for  that  long  period  suc- 
cessfully availed  himself  of  technicalities — technicalities, 
not  justice,  mind  you,  to  rob  the  rope  of  its  just  attacH- 
ment.  Think  of  it,  that  a  man  adjudged  guilty  can  dodge 
the  executioner  for  ten  years !  Such  a  marvel,  together  with 
his  legal  champion,  ought  to  have  been  pensioned  for  his 
natural  life  and  relegated  to  your  most  prominent  law 
libraries  as  authority  in  the  art  of  baffling  the  courts,  and 
as  an  expert  in  monkeying  with  your  scales  of  justice. 
Verily,  the  poor  starving  outcast  who  robs  the  baker  of  his 
penny  roll  receives  a  thousand  times  punishment  and 
degradation,  yet  your  high-class,  money-propped  scoundrel 
and  rogue  somehow  escapes  that  stern  justice  which  is  sup- 
posed to  stand  for  rich  and  poor  alike.  Men  found  guilty 
of  cowardly  murder  after  exhaustive  trials,  even  in  your 
great  City  of  New  York,  where  one  would  naturally  sup- 
pose Justice  must  be  secured  to  all,  find  loop-holes  through 
which  they  are  successfully  drawn  by  their  adroit  counsel ; 
of  course  all  this,  providing  the  criminal  is  able  to  supply 
the  money  to  juggle  with  your  jurisprudence.  And  in 
face  of  all  this  you  have  the  sublime  assurance  to  boast 
equality!  Your  refined,  educated  and  society-pampered 
murderer  wins  floral  crowns,  bouquets  and  release,  while 
your  anemic,  untaught,  uncultivated  and  brain-stunted 
murderer  must  bow  his  uncanny  head  to  justice  and  suffer 
the  flesh-singeing  death-volts  of  your  electric  chair/* 


THE  MONOCLE  ASSAILS  OUK  LYNCHING 
PAKTIES. 

"It  is  said  in  defense  of  your  self-elected  executioners, 
otherwise  lynchers,  that  they  resort  to  hangings  and  burn- 

97-7 


98  INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

ings  at  the  stake  for  the  reason  that  they  have  no  confidence 
in  the  very  men  they  themselves  choose  to  administer  the 
law.  One  can  quite  understand  a  community  arising  in 
indignation  against  the  perpetrators  of  a  brutal  act,  but  it 
seems  incomprehensible  that  a  people  desiring  that  the  law 
shall  be  observed,  should  be  so  eager  themselves  to  break 
law  and  order,  defy  authority,  and  outrage,  by  the  most 
barbaric  methods,  every  sense  of  humanity  and  justice.  I 
read  a  terrible  account  in  your  papers  of  the  lynching  of 
some  men  who  were  alleged  to  have  stolen  some  trivial  ar- 
ticles. Without  trial  or  explanation  a  mob  conducted  them, 
according  to  reports  dragged  them,  with  ropes  around  their 
necks  to  their  murder.  The  authorities  took  the  matter 
up,  but  it  was  freely  admitted  that  a  jury  would  be  afraid 
to  convict  the  lynchers.  If,  therefore,  your  law-breakers 
are  powerful  enough  to  successfully  threaten,  or  intimidate, 
those  who  may  be  called  upon  to  decide  as  to  the  guilt  or  in- 
nocence of  the  accused,  then  were  it  not  better  to  ring  down 
the  curtain  on  the  evident  farce  of  Trial  by  Jury  ?  By  your 
very  inaction  and  failure  to  bring  the  guilty  barbarians  to 
the  bar  of  Justice  you  admit  a  startling  weakness.  You  own 
up  that  the  mob  is  stronger  than  your  courts.  You  take 
for  granted  that  the  rising  of  a  score  or  more  of  blood- 
thirsty citizens  may  supersede  your  judges  and  laugh  to 
scorn  the  admirable  law  writ  on  the  pages  of  your  statute 
books.  Your  Press  calls  for  Justice,  demands  the  in- 
dictment of  your  lynchers,  deplores  the  disgrace  that  such 
law-breakers  bring  down  upon  the  community,  but  all  to 
no  avail.  If,  by  chance,  an  indictment  were  found,  it  would 
doubtless  be  pigeon-holed  or  lost  forever  in  the  political 
sewers." 

"You  must  remember  that  such  intimidation  exists  only 
in  the  sparsely  populated  districts,"  declared  the  news- 
paperman, "that  is,  if  such  a  condition  really  exists." 


ACCEPTED  99 

"Exists  I"  cried  the  Monocle  aghast  at  the  interviewer's 
attempt  to  doubt  the  existence  of  actual  fear  in  those  men, 
who  under  oath,  and  as  good  citizens,  are  called  upon  to 
do  their  duty  fearlessly  and  without  favor.  "Such  an  ad- 
mission of  cowardly  submission  to  mob-rule  is,  to  say  the 
least,  deplorable." 

"The  highest  and  the  most  lowly  of  our  people  live  under 
a  glorious  protection  I"  exclaimed  the  newspaperman. 

"Where  is  the  protection  when  men  are  suffered  to  be 
dragged  from  their  homes  like  dogs  and  hanged,  burned  at 
the  stake  or  otherwise  maltreated  and  maimed  without  so 
much  as  a  hearing?"  asked  the  Monocle.  "We  must  look 
these  eccentricities  of  your  liberty-loving  people  squarely  in 
the  eye." 

"Do  you  not  think  the  provocation  justifies  the  results  ?" 
asked  the  newspaperman. 

"Your  laws  do  not  provide,  because  you  are  provoked, 
you  may  take  life  to  satisfy  your  outraged  feelings.  You 
have  ample  law,  you  elect  a  sufficient  number  of  upright 
Judges  and  you  maintain  all  the  requisites  to  punish  of- 
fenders legally  without  having  to  resort  to  those  barbaric 
methods  which  were  practiced  in  the  ages  you  are  so  ready 
to  hold  as  exemplifying  the  dark  past,  compared  with  the 
enlightened  present.  Those  communities  which  arrogate  to 
themselves  a  license  to  defy  your  good  law  must  be  taught 
one  day — let  us  hope  not  far  distant — the  power  and  the 
stern  effect  of  your  legal  tribunals.  As  it  is  at  present  you 
have  among  you  those  who  wantonly  usurp  the  right  to 
bring  down  punishment  on  the  heads  of  the  alleged  wrong- 
doer, whereas  they  themselves  are  absolute  and  swaggering 
criminals  in  that  they  defy  and  ignore  the  very  laws  that 
have  been  framed  purposely  to  secure  that  impartial  and 
fair  judgment  which  it  is  every  man's  right  to  expect  and, 
I  had  supposed,  to  demand.  It  is  a  blot  upon  your  fair 
nation  when  men  assemble  with  rope  and  faggot  to  mete 


100          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

out  punishment  on  men  and  women  to  whom  they  even 
deny  the  inalienable  right  of  defense!  The  miscreant- 
executioners  make  sure  their  victims  shall  die  not  only  an 
ignominious,  but  an  awful  death,  and  yet  the  unfortunates 
might  be  able  to  prove  their  innocence  were  they  permitted 
the  opportunity  to  offer,  even,  explanation.  On  mere  hear- 
say, or  suspicion,  your  lynchers  hasten  in  gala  fashion  to 
outrage  the  honor  and  the  dignity  of  the  law-abiding  of 
your  great  land." 


BULL   FIGHTS   AND   MASSACEES   IN   FOREIGN 

LANDS  DISTURB  US,  YET  LYNCHING 

IS  TOLERATED. 

"You  shrink  at  the  brutality  in  the  arena  when  crim- 
soned and  bespattered  with  the  blood  of  the  helpless  beasts 
which  fall  from  the  flesh-piercing  jabs  and  the  slashing 
cuts  of  the  Toreador.  You  are  horrified,  horrified,  horrified 
at  the  slaughter  of  our  fellows  by  a  people  who  feel 
aggrieved  by  what  to  them  seems  our  impertinent  inter- 
ferences with  their  mode  of  worship.  They  resent  our  in- 
trusion upon  their  privacy  and  our  meddling  with  their 
centuries-old  manners  and  customs;  still  we  do  not  relax 
our  inroads  into  their  homes  and  we  threaten  the  existence 
of  their  beloved  institutions.  They  rebel  and  assassinate 
the  destroyers  of  their  ancient  prerogatives,  but  is  their 
assassination  of  the  impudent  intruders  and  meddlers  and 
wreckers  of  their  ancient,  and  to  them  satisfactory,  cus- 
toms, worse,  or  so  bad  as  the  deplorable  and  vicious  lynch- 
ings  that  occur  in  your  very  midst — wanton,  cruel  murders 
by  those  who  have  had  the  advantage  of  modern  civiliza- 
tion, refined  ecclesiasticism  and  improved  and  ideal  govern- 
ment ?  Halt  your  soldiers  and  anchor  your  marvelous  sea- 
batteries  and  look  first  to  it  that  your  own  house  is  clear 


ACCEPTED  101 

of  those  assassins  and  inhuman  monsters  who  drag  prob- 
ably many  an  innocent  one  to  a  shocking  and  spectacular 
death!" 

"Then  you  won't  admit  that  our  exceedingly  dilatory  and 
uncertain  methods  of  administering  Justice,  palliate  to 
some  extent  the  peremptory  and  extreme  measures  some 
times  adopted  to  secure  quick  punishment?"  asked  the 
newspaperman. 

"You  cannot  advance  even  the  slow-coach  methods  of 
your  law-courts  as  an  excuse  for  mob-law,"  the  Monocle 
declared  emphatically. 

"At  any  rate,  you  will  acknowledge  that  if  the  accused 
were  quickly  tried,  as,  for  instance,  would  be  the  case  in 
your  country,  there  would  be  an  end  to  the  people  taking 
the  law  into  their  own  hands?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"It  seems  to  me  you  have  a  class  among  you  always  ready 
and  equipped  to  carry  out  vengeance  wherever  and  when- 
ever an  opportunity  presents  itself.  You  have  your  White- 
caps  ;  you  have  those  who  go  about  smashing  and  destroying 
property  in  the  name  of  something  or  other ;  you  have  those 
who  take  upon  themselves  the  right  to  expel  a  fellow-citizen 
from  their  midst  just  because  they  feel  like  doing  so;  and 
you  boast  of  others  equally  officious  and  offensively  imper- 
tinent, despotic,  cruel  and  unmerciful.  I,  an  alien,  since 
you  request  my  views,  ask  you:  How  dare  a  set  of  your 
bullies  and  your  irresponsibles  ignore  your  law  and  trample 
on  the  rights  of  others  who  are  not  in  sympathy  with  the 
lawless  putting  to  death  of  a  fellow-creature?  The  PooBahs 
who  promote  and  compose  your  Quick-Execution-Assem- 
blies are  not  one  whit  better  than  Sicilians  and  Neapoli- 
tans, who  with  bloody  knife  sustain  the  Mafia ;  they  are  de- 
cidedly more  atrocious  than  the  almond-eyed  defenders  of 
Confucius — the  Boxers,  and,  indeed,  may  be  placed  on 
equal  and  parallel  lines  with  the  distinguished  cowards 


102          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

who  assassinate  under  the  name  and  by  the  grace  of  those 
subterranean  rodents,  the  Highbinders/' 

"Do  you  not  allow  your  sympathy  to  get  the  better  of  your 
judgment?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"Sympathy  and  judgment  in  my  case  are  synonymous. 
When  I  read  a  short  while  ago  of  the  barbaric  lynching  of 
a  mother,  daughter  and  son  my  sympathy  for  the  outraged 
was  unbounded,  while  my  judgment,  naturally,  prompted 
me  to  condemn  the  miscreants  in  a  manner  unqualifiedly 
bitter.  The  newspaper  reports  of  the  lynching  showed  how 
the  three  were  hanged,  their  bodies  riddled  with  bullets; 
how  the  lynchers  ignored  appeals  even  from  a  Judge  and 
District  Attorney  who  were  brushed  aside,  and  went  on  to 
describe  the  tearful  prayers  and  entreaties  of  the  unfor- 
tunate women  for  mercy,  the  arrival  of  the  Governor  of  the 
State  some  few  minutes,  however,  after  the  lynching  had 
been  accomplished,  and  his  earnest  command  to  the  people 
to  remember  their  duty  as  citizens  and  their  obligations  to 
the  law.  In  spite  of  appeals  it  was  feared  that  ten  others 
might  be  done  to  death  by  the  lynchers,  consequently,  the 
Governor  ordered  troops  to  be  ready  to  rush  to  the  scene 
of  the  outrages.  The  very  next  day  there  were  no  less  than 
three  more  accounts  of  men  done  to  death  under  exactly 
the  same  lawless  circumstances.  Again,  a  day  or  two  later, 
your  papers  came  out  with  further  startling  announcements 
which  read  as  follows : 

"'Murderer  of  a  Rancher's  Wife  Roasted  to  Death/ 
and 

"  'Three  Innocent  Men  Put  to  Death/ 

"Heaven  knows  your  Press  is  outspoken  enough  in  its 
condemnation  of  these  frequent  and  increasing  defiances 
of  the  law,  and  as  one  influential  journal  remarked  editor- 
ially : 


ACCEPTED  103 

"  'That  such  acts  disgrace  our  Nation  and  tend 
to  graver  consequences  than  many  realize  is  suffi- 
ciently evident/ 

"The  hour  is  not  far  distant  when  such  deeds  must  be 
prevented  by  a  firm,  if  terrible  example,  for  if  your  civil 
law  is  not  equal  to  the  occasion,  then  your  military  power 
will  be  expected  to  back  it  up  and  enforce  it." 

STEALING  FRANCHISES. 

"I  think  you  will  admit  that  we  are  a  free  and  easy  peo- 
ple, won't  you  ?" 

"You  are  most  certainly  a  most  easy  people  when  the 
Civic  officers  of  one  of  your  most  delightful  and  prosperous 
cities  are  actually  allowed  to  give  away  a  valuable  fran- 
chise in  spite  of  the  fact  that  an  enterprising  and  reputable 
townsman,  smarting  under  the  questionable  action,  comes 
forward  and  makes  a  handsome  money  offer  of  over  two 
million  dollars  for  the  same  privileges.  Your  papers  de- 
clare the  arrangement  between  the  City  Fathers  and  the 
Corporation  'A  Steal/  and  then  it  is  that  your  citizens 
awake  from  their  lethargy  and  cry  out,  'Corruption !'  Your 
financiers  smile  sardonically  and  the  good-hearted  gentle- 
men, who  have  so  generously  voted  to  give  up  the  city's 
valuable  property  for  not  so  much  as  the  value  of  a  peanut, 
remain  complaisant  and  snug.  Verily,  dear  brother  as 
thou  sayst,  thou  art  an  easy  people,  but,  the  gods  confound 
me,  if  you  are  a  free  people.  This  illustration  is  but  one 
proof  of  how  effectually  you  are  led  by  the  nose  by  thtfse 
in  whom  you  admit  you  have  no  confidence  whatsoever.  It 
is  all  very  strange  yet  it  may  only  be  the  barbed-wire  eccen- 
tricities which  hedge  in  a  Free- Voting  People." 


tfte  Daily  Inflated 


Vol.  XXIV 


New  York,  Saturday,  September  21st,  1901 


Price  5  Cents 


THE   DAILY  INFLATED   TO 

THE  CITIZENS  OF  THE 

U.  S.  A. 

A  JOURNALISTIC  PRONUN- 
CIAMENTO. 

It  is  seldom  that  we  venture, 
editorially,  upon  the  first  page 
of  this  paper,  and  when  we 
have  done  so  it  has  been  to  ex- 
pose some  opinion  on  moment- 
ous National  events.  Once 
more  the  sound  of  the  assassin's 
pistol  shot  has  been  heard  and 
a  brave  and  true  and  tender- 
hearted gentleman,  the  Chief- 
Executive  of  our  land,  has  been 
the  victim.  Be  it  known  to  all 
good  men  that  we  arise  in  in- 
dignation, with  hearts,  at  the 
same  time,  bleeding  with  sad- 
ness and  welling  over  with  love 
and  respect  for  the  memory  of 
the  stricken  one.  We  denounce 
in  unmeasured  terms  those  who 
incite  to  riot  and  encourage  the 
less  fortunate  to  believe  that 
the  hand  of  the  wealthy  is 
against  them. 

We  applaud  those  who  would 
harmonize  the  classes,  and  we 
express  abhorrence  of  those  who 
create  class-hatred,  disruption 
and  bloody  lawlessness. 

It  is  our  duty,  one  and  all, 
if  we  regard  the  welfare  of  our 
fair  country,  to  call  a  halt  and 
make  it  understood  that  while 
freedom  shall  ever  be  enjoyed 
license  shall  be  stopped  in  its 
impudent  inroads  and  insidi- 
ous progress. 

104 


THE  MONOCLE  PAYS  HIGH 

TRIBUTE  TO  OUR 

MARTYRED   PRESIDENT. 

TIMELY         OBSERVATIONS 

WORTH      STUDYING.— 

FLAYS   THE    UNPATRIOTIC 

POLITICIANS  AND 

DEALS  WITH 

THE   ALIEN   AND   THE   AS- 
SIMILATED VOTER. 

A  representative  of  The  In- 
flated again  interviewed  the 
Monocle  yesterday,  when  mat- 
ters of  political  importance 
were  discussed  as  they  affect 
Municipal  affairs.  The  Monocle 
also  paid  graceful  homage  to 
our  Presidents,  past  and  pres- 
ent. 

"Politics  plays  a  too  obstru- 
sive  part  in  your  land.  Its  ex- 
ponents, in  a  vast  number  of 
cases,  are,  according  to  authen- 
tic reports,  positively  devoid 
of  honor  and  patriotism.  They, 
depend  solely  upon  politics  for 
a  livelihood,  caring  not  a  straw 
for  name  or  country,  so  long 
as  their  mercenary  object  is 
successful.  Some  call  them 
'Smart,'  others,  the  honest  folk, 
call  them  by  their  proper  name 
— 'Knaves!'  I  would  add  to 
that  and  call  them  Traitors. 
They  have  no  care  for  the  wel- 
fare of  the  Nation  nor  the  city 
they  do,  or  would,  control.  They 
have  no  scruples  in  bartering 
and  selling  the  rights  of  the 
people;  they  do  so  every  day 
of  their  lives.  They  have  not 
the  first  idea  of  political 
honor — political  rascality  is 
their  motto  and,  taking  all 


ACCEPTED  105 

things  into  consideration,  they  do  exceedingly  well,  that  is, 
for  themselves.  I  often  wonder  if  they  stop  to  think  of  the 
unfathomable  depth  of  their  consummate  audacity!  But, 
like  all  knaves,  I  suppose  they  laugh  coldly  and  heedlessly 
up  their  narrow  sleeves  as  they  scoop  in  their  ill-gotten 
spoils.  Frequently  it  is  charged  that  the  man  with  a  'Pull' 
controls  not  alone  the  political  machine  but  the  courts  and 
the  court  officials  as  well.  Evidently  the  man  with  a  'PulP 
has  an  easy  time  of  it,  while  his  unfortunate  dependents 
must  be  depleted,  riddled  and  bankrupted  at  his  hands. 
Such  a  man  has  no  mercy.  He  is  a  drainer,  an  octopus,  a 
leech,  and  ought  as  such  to  be  loosened  of  his  inglorious 
grip  and  lashed  beyond  the  city's  boundary.  You  have  men 
of  untarnished  name  and  pure  reputation,  men  who  value 
the  honor  of  their  country  more  than  life  itself,  yet  when 
all  the  outcry  rises  above  the  house  tops  against  corruption 
and  dirty  politics,  their  honored  names  are  rarely  an- 
nounced for  office.  I  say,  out  with  your  beer-stained,  malo- 
dorous pot-house  politician !  Dismiss  him !  Ignore  him ! 
Overshadow  him  if  he  will  obtrude  the  presence  of  his  un- 
holy substance  side  by  side  with  the  substantial  and  pa- 
triotic form  of  the  intelligent,  the  honorable  and  the  self- 
sacrificing  !  If  you  love  your  cities,  if  you  revere  your  coun- 
try, band  yourselves  into  one  immense  and  impregnable 
body  with  the  resolution  that  the  most  noble  of  your  men  are 
alone  fit  to  sit  in  your  Municipal  Assemblies.  I  would  go 
t>o  far  as  to  prohibit  other  than  American-born  from  holding 
any  Government  office,  National  or  Civic.  I  believe  with 
those  Americans  who  say :  America  for  Americans ;  at  the 
same  time,  outside  of  official  positions,  assuring  all  the 
hospitality  and  social  and  business  advantages  to  the 
naturalized  citizen.  That  gentleman,  the  naturalized  cit- 
izen, should  not  be  entitled  to  vote  for  at  least  five  years 
after  he  has  been  adopted,  when  his  fitness  might  be  de- 
termined. From  what  I  have  seen  it  strikes  me  very  for- 


10G          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

cibly  that  some  of  the  most  disgruntled  among  you,  some 
of  the  most  bitter  antagonists  to  your  law,  some  of  the 
most  vicious  denouncers  of  peace  and  order  and  the  railers 
against  high  and  distinguished  authority,  are  those  you 
have  adopted,  in  the  hope  and  trust  that  you  were  giving 
into  their  safe  and  honorable  keeping  the  key  to  the  cham- 
bers whence  come  the  laws  of  Protection,  Justice,  National 
Dignity  and  Popular  Right.  It  is  that  very  class  that  spits 
on  respectability  and  hydrophobically  froths  its  cheers  for 
its  own  demoralized  set.  It  is  apparently  a  mighty 
strong  voice,  but  not  so  strong,  I  ween,  but  what  it  could  be 
muffled  by  the  more  contented  and  patriotic  of  your  glor- 
ious land/5 

"Do  you  mean  that  this  free  country  should  limit  free- 
dom of  speech  ?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"Limit  anything  that  is  annoying  and  stop  anything  that 
is  dangerous/'  returned  the  Monocle.  "And,  my  dear  sir, 
do  you  not  think  it  advisable,  also,  to  enquire  well  and 
thoroughly  into  the  healthful  political  as  well  as  social 
antecedents  of  those  suspicious  persons  entering  this  coun- 
try ?" 

"While  agreeing  with  you,"  returned  the  newspaper- 
man, "I  might  ask  whether  you  were  not  in  some  way 
affiliated  with  the  late  Li  Hung  Chang?" 

"How  so  ?"  asked  the  Monocle. 

"Well,  I  am  here  to  interview  you,  but  I  find,  instead, 
that  you  are  interviewing  me." 

"Yes,  possibly,  I  may  have  inherited  the  art  of  Oriental 
jugglery  from  a  paternal  Monocle  that  had  the  privilege 
of  a  long  diplomatic  residence  in  that  flowery  land,  which 
recently  might  have  been  plucked  into  a  half  score  of 
pieces  by  as  many  longing  Nations,  but  for  the  distraction 
of  the  cunning  and  subtle  entertainment  by  Impressario 
Li  Hung  Chang,  entitled  'How  to  Hoodwink  the  Great 
Powers,  or,  Celestial  Illusions.'  But  some,  sir,  learn  from 


ACCEPTED  107 

silent  observation,  while  I,  following  the  method  of  my 
lamented  friend  Li,  it  is  true,  reap  an  advant- 
age from  questioning  those  who,  knowing  so  much 
more  than  myself,  would,  strangely  enough,  ques- 
tion me.  But  there  is  one  great  and  momentous  sub- 
ject before  the  eyes  of  your  country;  a  subject  which  sev- 
enty-three millions  of  people  have  been  made  to  hear  in  two 
pistol  shots;  shots  only  from  a  thirty-two  calibre  revolver, 
yet  with  a  report  so  loud,  together  with  an  object  so 
dastardly,  and  an  injury  to  a  lovable,  good  and  generous 
man  so  deep  that  all  human  forbearance  has  at  last  been 
reached  and  the  cry  of  your  Nation,  a  cry  in  one  sonorous 
voice,  echoed  by  other  sympathetic  Nations,  calls  for 
safety  for  authority,  and  rightly  demands  respect  and  sup- 
port for  all  good  and  accepted  government.  The  peoples 
of  the  world  have  stood  with  one  throbbing  and  weeping 
heart  at  the  bedside  of  your  beloved,  martyred  President. 
We  wept  together  on  the  receipt  of  the  first  shocking  intel- 
ligence; we  prayed  together  that  the  Great  Providence 
might  spare  to  us  that  noble  man  whose  untimely  death 
was  sought  by  one  of  the  most  despicable  cowards  that  have 
ever  drawn  the  breath  of  life.  We,  in  the  consciousness  of 
that  awful  suffering  and  the  Christian  fortitude  of  the 
stricken  gentleman,  act  as  one  and  with  one  object  in 
denunciation  of  the  lawless,  in  condemning  the  flippant 
insulter  of  authority,  in  making  it  plainly  understood  that 
the  assassin  and  those  who  urge  him  can  have  no  resting 
place  in  these  lands;  in  giving  expression  of  abhorrence  of 
those  who,  in  the  guise  of  friends  of  the  masses,  inflame 
the  already  ungainly  and  crippled  brains  of  fanatics,  the 
ignorant  and  half-witted,  and  in  sounding  one  ringing 
indictment  against  the  greasy-palmed  rascals  who  so 
malignantly  and  mischievously  and  traitorously  attempt  to 
spread  an  unreasoning  and  mad  discord,  by  pitting  class 


108          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

against  class,  the  LABORER  against  the  CAPITALIST, 
the  POOR  against  the  RICH. 

"Your  Presidents  have  all  been  gentlemen  of  the  very 
highest  character,"  continued  the  Monocle,  "and  the  people 
have  always  chosen  wisely.  The  distinguished  President, 
whose  pure  life  was  foully  taken  by  the  cowardly  assassin, 
proved  himself  to  be  the  man  of  the  hour — statesmanlike, 
forbearing,  conservative,  charitable  and  in  every  sense 
fitted  to  lead  this  thrifty,  pushing,  seventy-three  millions 
of  people.  He  was  a  man  of  power,  a  man  of  many  parts, 
a  man  of  nerve,  and  one  possessing  the  grand  and  solid 
foundation  of  a  clean  and  honest  conscience.  I  think  no 
matter  what  complexion  his  politics,  his  bitterest  political 
foe  will  admit  so  much.  You  have  lately  gone  through  a 
National,  I  might  better  say  an  International,  trial,  the 
conduct  of  which,  besides  placing  you  on  an  equality  with 
the  great  fighting  Nations  of  the  world,  proved  the  remark- 
able ability  of  the  world-mourned  martyred  President. 
Generations  yet  to  come  will  read  of  him  as  we  have  read 
of  Washington  and  as  we  have  known  Lincoln,  and,  I  dare 
say,  with  even  a  deeper  thrill  of  enthusiasm/' 

"Do  I  understand  you  to  say  that  the  martyred  President 
will  stand  out  even  beyond  the  two  great  men  you  have 
named  ?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"That  is  my  opinion — and  my  prediction.  The  times  of 
Washington  and  Lincoln  have  changed.  In  their  day,  of 
course,  heroic  deeds  were  performed  and  great  acts  of 
statesmanship  were  achieved,  but,  when  all  was  accom- 
plished, you  settled  down  as  a  family.  You  were  content 
in  your  own  domain,  and  beyond  that  you  were  regarded 
as  provincial.  You  had  not  awakened  in  the  bosom  of  the 
outer  world  the  admiration  which  was  due  you." 

"Why  so  ?"  the  newspaperman  demanded. 

"For  the  very  reason  that  you  were  satisfied  to  remain  a 
quiet,  peaceable,  inoffensive  circle ;  you  abstained  from  tak- 


ACCEPTED  109 

ing  any  decided  or  important  part  in  the  councils  of  the 
world." 

"Do  you  not  think  that  it  was  much  the  wiser  plan  to 
nurse  and  nourish  our  enormous  industries  at  home  than 
to  go  abroad  mingling  with  diplomats  and  taking  part  in 
international  complications?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"My  dear  sir,  you  have  leaped  out  from  your  shell ;  you 
have,  in  a  word,  revealed  yourselves,  and  having  thus  come 
into  National  existence  among  Nations,  your  prominence 
has  been  admitted  with  startling  concern.  With  your  new- 
born prominence  has  come  a  corresponding  ascendency  in 
the  markets  of  the  world;  your  industries  have  increased, 
your  representatives  abroad  are  respected  as  never  before, 
your  word  is  stronger,  you  are  heeded  where  prior  to  this 
evolution  you  were  politely  acknowledged.  Your  youth 
has  grown  in  ardor  and  respects  with  thrilling  pride  its 
flag  for  its  true  importance  in  every  quarter  of  the  globe; 
you  have  relieved  the  oppressed  while  you  have  successfully 
carried  to  them  liberty  and  good  government,  and  if  your 
beneficiaries  ever  fail  to  fully  avail  themselves  of  the  better 
condition  you  have  so  substantially  bestowed  upon  them, 
in  that  case  they  will  be  the  losers." 

"Then  you  think  we  have  the  colonizing  idea  in  good 
shape?" 

"As  to  that  I  would  refer  you  and  your  doubting 
Tomases  to  the  amazingly  satisfactory  improvements 
already  effected  in  the  lands  you  have  recently  acquired  or 
protected.  To  the  improved  sanitary  condition  you  have 
introduced,  is  due  the  better  health  of  the  people;  to  the 
reasonable  law  you  have  carried  with  you  is  due  the  tran- 
quility  where  before  was  fear,  outrage,  indescribable  bar- 
barity and  depravity,  and  on  every  hand  official  cruelty. 
You  went,  as  it  were,  into  a  disordered  household,  made  a 
thorough  cleaning  up  and  set  everything  in  good  order, 


110          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

having  showered  over  the  whole  the  blessings  of  a  glorious 
liberty/' 

"Do  you  believe  us  to  be  the  hero  worshipers  that  some 
would  make  us  out  to  be?"  asked  the  newspaperman. 

"Hero  worshipers!"  exclaimed  the  Monocle,  in  a  tone 
full  of  wonder  at  the  question;  "you  are  a  people  without 
ideals.  I  have  gathered  from  your  very  own  lips,  too,  that 
you  have  not  the  slightest  respect  for  ancestry,  no  matter 
how  distinguished.  You  stubbornly  refuse  to  admit  that 
cast  is  just  as  distinguishing  a  feature  of  your  society  as 
it  is  in  other  countries.  No,  you  will  not  admit  the 
existence  of  cast  here  because  you  delight  to  swell  up  tur- 
key-cock fashion  and  cock-a-doodle  the  very  hackneyed 
melodramatic  heroic  about  all  men  being  equal.  As  a  pre- 
lude to  a  political  election  such  platitude  is  useful;  in 
normal  conditions  it  is  Tommyrot !  There  have  been  those 
who  have  been  good  enough  to  inform  me  that  because  I 
am  the  subject  of  a  Monarch  I  cannot  possibly  appreciate 
equality  among  all  men." 

"Well,"  said  the  newspaperman,  "I  suppose  you  can- 
not." 

"In  all  candor,  can  you  ?"  rejoined  the  Monocle.  "When 
your  educated,  well-groomed  capitalist  shall  invite  his 
bootblack  to  sit  vis-a-vis  at  his  club,  or  his  home,  and 
dally  over  the  filberts  and  Madeira  at  his  dinner  table,  we 
shall  then,  all  of  us,  admit  the  kind  of  equality  which  you 
so  easily  boast.  On  eartn,  my  friend,  there  can  be  equality 
only  in  the  eyes  of  the  legal  tribunals  which  are  supposed 
to  dispense  justice  to  rich  and  poor  alike." 


ACCEPTED  111 

THE  MONOCLE  ASSAILS  OUR  TREATMENT  OF 
OUR  HEROES. 

"Come,  now,  don't  you  think  we  have  an  immense  ad- 
miration for  our  heroes?"  demanded  the  newspaperman 
again. 

"At  the  moment  of  a  triumph  you  exhibit  frantic 
acknowledgment,  but,  oh,  how  rudely  you  can  drag  down 
your  heroes  from  the  Eiffel  Tower  pedestals  on  which,  by 
common  consent,  in  the  moment  of  ecstasy,  you  place  them. 
It  would  seem  that  neither  sailor,  soldier  nor  statesman 
can  survive  the  cheers  which,  at  the  first  moment  of  suc- 
cess, you  roar  out  in  their  honor.  You  grasp  at  the  slim- 
mest opportunity  to  make  your  hero  the  most  uncomfort- 
able of  gentlemen.  After  death,  however,  you  give  him 
his  full  reward." 

"It  is  our  glorious  prerogative,  as  a  free  people,  to  say 
what  we  think  and  act  as  we  please,"  declared  the  news- 
paperman. 

"Well,  then,  in  that  case  why  do  you  deny  your  great 
men,  your  leaders,  the  same  privilege  to  say  and  act  as 
they  please?"  asked  the  Monocle. 

"They  enjoy  every  privilege,"  said  the  newspaperman. 

"All  right,  but  at  the  risk  of  being  lampooned  and  be- 
littled. The  hour  is  ripe  for  reminding  you  to  stop  this 
glorifying  to-day  and  humiliating  to-morrow.  Forgive  me 
if  I  say  that  it  is  ill-becoming  a  free  and  fair  people.  Even 
the  youth  of  your  country  learns  and  indulges  too  much  of 
the  sort  of  freedom  that  distresses,  consequently,  he  grows 
up  with  a  modicum  of  reverence  in  his  soul.  For  my  part, 
I  think  the  least  free  among  you  are  the  men  who  best 
serve  you,  and,  I  am  sure,  the  most  uncalled  for  and  virile 
attacks,  absolutely  undeserved,  mind  you,  fall  upon  some 
of  your  most  honorable  men.  Having  touched  upon  a 
subject  affecting  the  conduct  of  your  youth  I  would  say: 


112          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

Let  the  father  teach  his  son  the  many  lessons  of  gallant 
and  unselfish  deeds  performed  by  your  soldiers  and  your 
sailors;  let  him  denounce  the  picayune  personalties  that 
are  invented  solely  with  the  object  of  diminishing  the  luster 
of  hard-won  glory ;  see  to  it  that  your  youth  is  taught  the 
nobility  of  the  self-sacrificing  and  patriotic  heads  of  your 
Nation,  irrespective  of  the  political  religion  they  profess." 

"So  you  think  the  least  free  among  us  are  those  men 
who  best  serve  us?"  asked  the  newspaperman.  "How  do 
you  account  for  it  ?" 

"Without  a  doubt!"  exclaimed  the  Monocle.  "You  ask 
too  much  of  your  statesmen;  you  harrass  them;  your 
criticism,  too  often  unjust,  commences  before  their  term 
of  office  begins,  and  digs  and  pricks  at  them  until  they 
retire.  You  are  not  a  graceful  people  so  far  as  the  treat- 
ment of  your  officials.  You  say  of  yourselves  that  you  are 
nerve-strung  to  account  for  your  impatience  and  meteoric 
impetuosity.  While  it  is  a  hard  matter  to  please  every- 
body, yet  I  verily  think  your  man  in  office  ought  to  look 
around  for  an  Abraham  Lincoln  to  bring  Emancipation 
for  Executive  Slavery !" 

"Then  what  in  your  opinion  is  the  matter  with  the 
world  ?"  argued  the  newspaperman. 

"The  fact  is,  the  bold  ribaldry,  the  malicious  scandal 
and  the  inflammatory  rhetoric  of  the  day  assume  so  high  a 
temperature  as  to  consume  the  world  with  what  might  be 
called  the  Red-rhapsodical  fever;  a  form  of  mental 
decay  or  irritation  which  is  infectious  and  creative  of  a 
pulse  that  is  false  and  positively  alarming.  The  symp- 
toms, my  dear  sir,  are  sufficient  to  disturb  the  most  pro- 
nounced optimist.  Medical  science,  my  boy,  has  done 
much  to  abate  and  arrest  scarlet  fever,  yellow  fever, 
typhoid,  typhus  and  all  the  ravaging  and  distressing 
fevers  known  to  medical  science;  and  now  that  all  such 
dangers  are  being  minimized,  when  yellow  fever  germs  are 


ACCEPTED  113 

declared  to  be  carried  to  poor  humanity  by  the  inoculating 
and  happily  doomed  mosquito,  a  new  infection,  and  a 
dangerous  one  at  that,  is  discovered  in  the  Ked-rhapsod- 
ical  fever;  a  rousing,  exciting,  blood-sizzling  infection 
which  corrodes  the  heart  ancl  rots  the  brain  and  brings 
ravage  to  those  poor  constitutions  which  through  an  unnat- 
ural weakness,  inherited  or  assumed,  are  easily  affected. 

"Life  is  so  beautiful,  the  gift  of  it  so  gracious,  the 
world  so  noble,  its  hospitality  so  prodigious,  that  it  seems 
now  a  good  season  to  arrest  the  spread  of  the  new  fever, 
that  existence  may  be  pure  as  it  once  was  and  just  as 
sedate  and  harmless,  generous  and  healthful.  A  disin- 
fectant is  essential  then  to  resist  the  course  of  the  malignant 
cases  which  have  become  almost  an  epidemic.  A  disin- 
fectant, as  you  know,  is  a  purifier  used  to  resist  or 
counteract  infection,  but  the  exact  particular  remedy 
that  must  be  discovered  for  the  cooling,  abatement  and 
eradication  of  this  Eed-rhapsodical  fever  has  not  yet  been 
determined,  though  it  is  quite  positive  that  the  cleanly  por- 
tion of  mankind  will  not  wait  long  for  protection  against 
the  insidious  spread,  but  will  bring  into  quick  use  a  power- 
ful and  stringent  antidote." 


113-8 


The  People's  Paper. 
Always  truthful. 


the  Daily  Inflated 


All  the  news 
fit  to  read. 


Vol.  XXIV 


New  York,  Sunday,  September  22nd,  1901 


Price  5  Cents 


MAGISTRATE   AND   ATTOR-    THE     CONDUCT     OF     OUR 


NEY  COME  ALMOST 
TO  BLOWS. 

PHLIP    CALLED     COUNSEL- 
OR SOAK  A  LIAR,  AND 
THE  COURT,    WHO 
FAVORS     SOAK, 

TOOK 

A  HAND  IN  THE  UN- 
SEEMLY AND  DIS- 
GRACEFUL SCENE. 

A  disgraceful  row  occurred 
in  Magistrate  Snarle's  Court 
yesterday,  when  Attorney  Phlip 
called  Counselor  Soak  a  liar. 
Blows  were  prevented  by  Mag- 
istrate Snarl's,  who,  in  fighting  j 
attitude,  threatened,  himself,  to) 
throw  Phlip  out  of  the  Court  | 
room. 

Court  was  adjourned  and  the 
lawyers  subsequently  settled 
their  differences  at  the  bar  of 
an  adjoining  saloon.  The  un- 
seemly scenes  enacted  in  Magis- 
trate Snarl's  Court  are  at- 
tracting widespread  attention. 

On  the  reassembling  of  the 
Court,  the  well-known  financier, 
Mr.  B.  A.  Pitch,  was  ushered! 
into  the  presence  of  Mr.  Snarl,  j 
on  a  complaint  insinuating  that! 
he  had  obtained  money  under  j 
false  pretenses,  and,  also,  with! 
having  used  money  entrusted  toj 
him  by  confiding  clients.  On  the| 
application  of  Mr.  Diamondbe-j 
decked,  his  attorney,  the  case! 
was  adjourned  sine  die,  thej 
Court  expressing  regret  for  any) 
inconvenience  the  accused  fi-l 
nancier  had  suffered. 


POLICE  COURTS  FINDS 

DISFAVOR    IN    THE 

EYE    OF    THE 

MONOCLE. 

FLIPPANT    COURT    OF- 
FICERS AND  UNDIGNIFIED 
LAWYERS    MAKE    A 
STRANGE  GROUP. 

"Having  taken  in  so  much 
of  your  country  and  your  coun- 
try's institutions;  its  magnifi- 
cent colleges  and  universities, 
its  already  very  capital  librar- 
ies, erected  without  philan- 
thropic aid,  and  your  museums 
and  your  art  galleries,  your 
parks  and  your  gardens,  your 
great  lakes  and  picturesque 
rivers,  your  overcrowded,  tot- 
tering tenements  and  your 
princely  palaces,  I  peeped  into 
your  Police  Courts,"  said  the 
Monocle,  "and  I  have  watched 
the  proceedings  with  curious  at- 
tention and  a  good  deal  of  in- 
terest." 

"Will  you  give  me  your  ex- 
periences?" asked  the  news- 
paperman. 

"A  few,  I  am  sure,  will  suf- 
fice to  show  you  with  what  lit- 
tle regard  the  poor  and  the  un- 
fortunate are  treated.  Your 
Police  Courts,  or  those  of  them 
I  have  visited,  are  hot-beds  of 
misery  and  degradation.  Your 
Magistrates,  in  the  first  place, 
do  not  insist  on  obedience  and 
respect.  The  court  officers  are 
lacking  in  docility  and  amiabil- 


114 


ACCEPTED  115 

ity.  They  are  boorish,  loud-mouthed,  domineering  crea- 
tures, with,  comparatively,  more  authority  than  a  Supreme 
Court  judge.  I  can  safely  say,  without  fear  of  contra- 
diction, that  the  pleasant  words,  'Please'  and  "Thank  you/ 
were  never  taught  them  during  babyhood,  youth  or  man- 
hood." 

"You  see  they  are  mostly  all  self-taught  men,"  said  the 
newspaperman. 

"That  is  quite  evident,"  agreed  the  Monocle. 

"What  was  it  that  most  offended  your  sensitiveness?" 
demanded  the  newspaperman. 

"Better  ask  me  what  it  was  that  aroused  my  pity  and 
astonishment,"  responded  the  Monocle.  "I  saw  and  heard 
many  strange  things.  I  think  it  most  unfair,  for  instance, 
that  an  accused  must  tolerate  the  undertone  discussions 
which,  while  his  case  is  under  trial,  take  place  between 
lawyer  and  magistrate.  The  sotto-voce  confabs  cannot  be 
caught  by  the  prisoner,  the  party  most  interested,  .who 
hears  absolutely  nothing  of  what  is  said  against  or  for 
him  until  a  rough  hand  shoves  him  along  with  the  accom- 
panying words: 

"  'Get  along  out  of  this !  You've  got  six  months  to  re- 
pent/ 

"  'What  do  you  mean  ?'  asks  the  bewildered  prisoner. 

"  'Why,  didn't  you  hear  the  judge  sentence  you  to  six 
months  ?' 

"  'No,  I  didn't,'  the  surprised  prisoner  replies. 

"And  another  brutal  shove  and  both  officer  and  unfor- 
tunate disappear.  The  unlucky  man  was  right;  the  Mag- 
istrate mumbled  the  sentence  and  few,  in  truth,  heard  it. 
The  whole  business  is  slip-shod.  Half  the  time  the 
accused  cannot  even  hear  what  their  well-paid  lawyers 
are  talking  about;  indeed,  the  whole  procedure  is  lax, 
uncouth,  brutal  and  a  travesty  on  Justice  and  civilization. 
A  policeman  affirms,  and,  turning  to  the  Magistrate,  in- 


116          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

stead  of  speaking  so  all  within  the  Court  shall  hear 
him,  mumbles  his  evidence  in  a  perfunctory,  listless 
manner  and  the  obliging  attorneys,  to  aid  him  in  his  dif- 
fidence to  speak  aloud,  move  closer  to  the  witness  box,  alias 
stand,  and  by  that  concession  to  the  witness,  are  enabled 
to  hear  the  charge  he  makes  against  their  client.  Yes,  in 
nine  cases  out  of  ten,  poor  prisoner  hears  nothing,  or  very 
little,  of  what  is  taking  place;  consequently,  he  cannot 
properly  defend  himself,  even  though  he  is  represented  by 
an  attorney.  The  officials  and  the  lawyers  are  so  accus- 
tomed to  this  go-as-you-please,  slovenly  characteristic  of 
some  of  your  Police  Courts  that  it  must  be  left  to  the  casual 
stranger,  or  the  prisoner  himself,  to  see  and  appreciate  the 
injustice  of  the  proceedings.  So  far  as  I  could  see,  an 
accused  has  absolutely  no  chance  at  all,  and,  shame  to  say 
it,  there  is  little  or  no  consideration  for  him.  On  the 
other  hand,  a  man  or  woman  of  some  sort  of  distinction 
is  called  upon  to  answer  a  charge,  and  the  Magistrate,  good 
creature,  who  can  be  considerate  under  some  circumstances, 
places  his  private  room  at  his,  or  her,  disposal.  Therefore 
it  seems  to  me  that  your  boasted  democracy  is  cruelly  incon- 
sistent as  illustrated  even  in  the  difference  in  treatment 
of  your  poor,  unfortunate  prisoner  and  your  snug,  well- 
groomed,  seal-mantled  accused." 

"What  would  you  do  in  the  matter?"  asked  the  news- 
paperman. 

"You  know  very  well  what  I  would  do  in  the  matter; 
and  I  know  you,  a  newspaperman,  would  act  exactly  as  I 
would  act.  I  would  have  every  witness,  every  policeman, 
deliver  his  evidence  in  a  voice  so  clear  that  there  could  be 
no  misunderstanding  his  statements.  His  words  would 
be  heard  throughout  the  Court.  Attorney,  too,  would 
have  to  be  distinct,  deliberate  and  audible.  I  would  have 
the  words  of  the  Magistrate  equally  distinct  and,  further, 
I  would  permit  no  class  or  cast  favor.  As  it  stands  to-day, 


ACCEPTED  117 

a  Police  Court  proceeding,  in  your  city,  as  I  viewed  it,  is 
a  jumble  accompanied  by  clatter  and  chatter  and  every- 
thing else  but  dignity.  I  give  you  this  observation  for 
the  reason  that  the  all-important  subject  appeals  to  me  as 
calling,  in  the  name  of  humanity  and  fairness,  for  a  speedy 
and  salutory  change." 

PERJURY   RAMPANT   IN   OUR    COURTS. 

"Assuming  that  all  you  charge  is  correct,  do  you  not 
think  that  the  Courts  offer  safety  and  protection  for  all  ?" 

"Until  your  people  are  taught  to  appreciate  the  gravity 
and  solemnity  of  the  law,  until  they  are  made  to  under^ 
stand  that  punishment  will  surely  and  swiftly  follow  per- 
jury, there  can  be  no  safety  or  protection  in  your  Courts 
of  law,"  declared  the  Monocle. 

"On  what  grounds  do  you  base  your  charge?  What 
foundation  have  you  for  so  grave  an  indictment  against 
our  veracity  ?"  the  newspaperman  demanded. 

"Observation,"  replied  the  Monocle. 

"Your  observation,  I  fear,  may  be  the  result  of  bias  or 
prejudice,  or,  possibly,  your  not  quite  understanding  our 
form  of  legal  procedure,"  said  the  newspaperman. 

"Then  I  find  it  my  bounden  duty  to  back  up  my  asser- 
tion with  the  unbiased  and  unprejudiced  corroboration  of 
the  president  of  the  Bar  Association  of  one  of  your  States. 
*'Where  is  there  a  lawyer/  he  asks,  'who  has  not  seen  a 
guilty  criminal  pass  out  of  the  Court  room,  acquitted  and 
set  free  because  of  perjured  testimony?  What  one  of  us 
has  not  seen  the  rights  of  persons  and  property  sacrificed 
and  trampled  under  foot,  presumably  under  due  form  of 
law,  but  really  and  truly  by  the  use  of  corrupt,  false  and 
sometimes  purchased  testimony  ?  One  judge  of  long  expe- 

*"Couiicil  Bluffa  (la.),  July  16.  1901.— The  President  of  the  Bar  Association 
made  startling  statements  regarding  the  prevalence  of  bribery  in  the  Ameri- 
can Courts  of  Justice  in  his  address  to  the  Iowa  State  Bar  Association."—  Vide 
Press. 


118          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

rience  upon  the  bench  writes  me  that  in  his  opinion  about 
one-half  of  all  the  evidence  received  on  behalf  of  the 
defense  in  criminal  cases  is  false.  Another  judge  of 
equally  high  repute  writes  that  he  believes  seventy-five 
per  cent  of  the  evidence  offered  in  divorce  cases  approaches 
deliberate  perjury.  Another  writes  that  perjury  is  com- 
mitted in  a  majority  of  important  law  suits,  and  that  the 
crime  is  rapidly  increasing/  Surely,  you  will  admit  the 
alarming  significance  of  such  admissions?"  enquired  the 
Monocle. 

"Do  you  think,  so  far  as  the  administration  of  our  laws, 
we  are  different  from  other  Nations  ?"  asked  the  newspaper- 
man. 

"I  am  making  no  comparisons.  At  the  outset  I  deter- 
mined, in  reply  to  your  questions,  to  deal  with  your  country 
alone.  Having  traveled  through  it  from  end  to  end  and 
back  again,  I  think  I  find  myself  competent  to  form  a 
fairly  correct  judgment  of  many  important  things  I  have 
seen  and  heard  and  read  of.  You  know  my  impressions. 
You  are  aware  of  my  deep  appreciation  of  the  vastness  and 
the  beauty  and  the  majesty  of  your  great  land,  and  you  have 
heard  me,  in  reply  to  you,  of  course,  condemn  some  few 
things  which  here  and  there  leave  not  altogether  a  pleasant 
impression.  It  would  be  a  marvelous  phenomena,  indeed, 
were  man  or  Nations  perfect.  Such  a  happy  condition 
were  impossible,  but  at  any  rate,  it  is  the  duty  of  Nations, 
and  especially  a  Nation  so  blessed  as  these  United  States, 
to  see  to  it  that  Justice,  at  least,  be  paramount  and  ever 
ready  to  give  security  and,  therefore,  confidence,  peace  and 
contentment  to  all.  Your  Judges,  being  desirous  of  purg- 
ing the  courts  of  perjurers,  and  others  of  equally  easy  con- 
science, must  be  backed  up  by  the  people." 

"Then  do  you  not  think  the  Courts  are  properly 
upheld?" 


ACCEPTED  119 

"Upheld !"  exclaimed  the  Monocle.  "When  your  Judges 
find  it  difficult  to  get  a  conviction  where  a  prisoner  is 
proved  guilty  beyond  the  shadow  of  a  doubt;  when  at- 
tempts are  made,  sucessfully  or  unsuccessfully,  to  bribe 
jurors;  when  perjury  is  flagrantly  resorted  to  and  gets 
away  unpunished;  when  murderers  found  guilty  and  sen- 
tenced to  death  can  for  years  hold  Justice  at  bay  and  then 
escape  her;  when  the  robbers  of  your  public  funds  from 
your  public  institutions  remain  undiscovered;  when  the 
decisions  of  your  learned  Judges  are  made  faulty  and  sent 
to  other  learned  Judges  for  revision;  and,  again,the  decision 
of  the  other  learned  Judges  are  appealed  and  the  Law-Court 
machinery  is  made  to  work  at  high  pressure  at  the  will  of 
a  wealthy  litigant,  who,  without  justice  on  his  side,  sooner 
than  lose,  will  fight  his  less  wealthy  opponent  to  the  last 
ditch  of  poverty!  When  we  see  all  these  injustices,  these 
vexatious  wrestlings  with  the  law,  these  unholy  blots  be- 
spattered on  the  escutcheon  of  your  proud  and  wonderful 
Nation,  can  we  conclude  that  your  law  Courts  are  prop- 
erly upheld?  Go!  Lift  the  bandage  from  Justice's  eyes 
and  you  will  behold  tears;  inspect  further,  and  you  will 
discover  that  the  scales  she  holds  have  been  tampered  with, 
and  her  defending  sword  made  blunt.  The  sooner  those 
tears  are  dried  and  you  make  your  peace  with  Justice  by 
readjusting  those  scales  to  the  finest  and  truest  balance,  the 
better  will  it  be  for  all.  Eemember  that  in  the  establish- 
ment of  Justice  and  the  serenity  of  equitably  distributed 
law  depends  the  true  ring  of  happiness  and  good  faith  and 
social  and  commercial  integrity  throughout  the  land." 


We  never 
watch  for 


Daily 


Our  motto  Is:  Live 
and  let  live! 


Vol.  XXIV 


New  York,  Monday,  September  23rd,  1901 


Price  5  Cents 


BANK      WRECKERS      PAR- 
DONED —  WHY    THEY 
SHOULD  BE  IS  THE 
PUZZLE  OP  THE 
HOUR. 


Mr.  Easy  Cash,  late  mana- 
ger of  the  Iron-Safe  Bank,1 
which  closed  its  doors  just  a 
year  ago,  was  pardoned  and 
released  from  jail  yesterday. 
Mr.  Easy  Cash,  it  will  be  re- 
membered, was  sentenced  toj 
two  years'  imprisonment.  His 
defalcations  amounted  to  twen-| 
ty  thousand  dollars.  Owing  to; 
a  petition,  signed  by  many  in-j 
fluential  gentlemen,  the  release; 
was  effected.  Much  surprise! 
has  been  expressed  by  the  num-i 
erous  depositors  who  were  made 
absolutely  penniless,  that  the 
ex-manager  should  not  have 
been  allowed  to  undergo  the 
full  term  of  his  too  short  sent- 
ence. 

Mr.  Uriah  Squeals,  ex-cash- 
ier of  the  Trust- All  Bank,| 
which  through  his  peculations) 
closed  its  doors  a  year  ago,  has 
been  given  his  liberty.  Our  re- 
porter was  informed  that  Mr. 
Uriah  Squeals,  who  had  onlyj 
served  ten  months  of  his  three 
years'  sentence,  was  in  poor 
health  and  for  that  reason  was 
released  from  jail.  It  will  be 
remembered  that  Mr.  Squeals' j 
defalcations  were  exceptionally! 
serious  and  caused  wide-spread' 
misery. 


THE  MONOCLE  SPEAKS  OF 

OUR  SOLDIERS. 

AGREES  IN  ALL  THAT  THE 

LIEUTENANT-GENERAL 

COMMANDING    THE 

U.  S.  A±uviY  HAS 

SAID  REGARDING  THE 

POOR  DEPORTMENT 

AND  LAXITY  OF 

MANNERS  IN 

THE  MEN. 

The  Monocle  was  found  by 
The  Infiated's  representative, 
glancing  seriously  over  a  re- 
cently published  note  to  officers 
and  men  issued  by  the  Lieuten- 
ant-General Commanding  the 
U.  S.  Army. 

"Monocles  being  much  in  evi- 
dence in  the  British  Army,  you 
are,  no  doubt,  in  a  position  to 
speak  on  military  affairs?" 
asked  the  newspaperman. 

"Yes,  I  have  seen  service  in 
a  monoclistic  capacity  and, 
naturally,  take  an  interest  in 
all  matters  of  a  military  na- 
ture," replied  the  Monocle. 

"Of  course,  you  have  met  our 
soldiers  on  your  travels?" 

"I  had  the  privilege  of  see- 
ing many  of  your  regiments 
upon  their  return  from  your 
Philippine  possessions." 

"Remembering  your  deter- 
mination I  will  refrain  from 
asking  you  to  make  a  compari- 
son between  our  Militia  and 
your  own." 

"That  is  very  wise  and  very 
good  of  you." 


ACCEPTED  121 

"May  I  ask  the  impression  made  on  you  by  our  fighters  ?" 

"How  could  they  impress  anyone  but  as  brave  chaps; 
valiant  lads,  indeed,  whose  veins  have  bulged  with  the 
coursing  blood  of  enthusiasm;  sons  of  your  soil  who, 
shoulder  to  shoulder,  have  proved  their  readiness  and  will- 
ingness to  fight  and  die  for  their  country's  honor,  and  the 
maintenance  and  defense  of  their  unsullied  flag?  I  have 
watched  their  bronzed  faces  and  their  snapping  eyes  as 
they  disembarked  from  the  transports,  and  I  have  followed 
their  martial  steps  to  their  camps,  through  and  up  and 
down  and  across  the  mountainous  streets  on  to  the  pic- 
turesque Presidio,  which  skirts  the  great  San  Francisco 
Bay.  I  have  joined  in  the  lusty  cheers  which  greeted  their 
return,  and,  indeed,  I  have  been  an  ardent  participant  in 
several  outbursts  of  well  merited  welcome." 

"Your  praise  is  well  bestowed,"  said  the  newspaper- 
man. 

"And  well  deserved,"  declared  the  Monocle;  "but,  mind 
you,  while  I  say  all  this  in  their  favor,  I  intend  to  be  candid 
and  truthful,  since  you  question  me  upon  one  of  the  most 
important  subjects  at  present  engaging  the  attention  of 
your  Nation,  as  well  as  the  observation  of  the  great  mili- 
tary powers  beyond  the  seas.  First  of  all  it  were  well  and 
essential  that  your  soldier  realize  that  discipline  goes  far 
to  make  a  perfect  fighting  man.  Without  discipline  a  fight- 
ing body  of  men  would  become  a  disorganized  crowd; 
therefore,  a  danger  on  the  battle  field.  My  remarks,  I  hope, 
will  be  taken  in  good  part,  since  they  are  earnest,  friendly 
and  fraternal." 

"It  is  through  the  pointing  out  of  faults  and  blemishes 
that  better  conditions  are  achieved  in  any  walk  of  life; 
hence  I  invite  your  free  and  unqualified  opinion  as  it 
affects  our  soldiery,"  said  the  newspaperman. 

"As  you  entered  I  was  reading  an  order  issued  by  your 
gallant  soldier,  the  Lieutenant-General,  with  the  intention 


122          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

of  bettering  the  condition  of  the  army.  The  General  has 
not  minced  matters.  The  truth,  yon  know,  is  not  always 
sweet,  yet,  if  it  is  to  do  any  good,  there  is  no  use  at  all 
diluting  and  coloring  it  to  serve  the  sensitive  palate  of  those 
who  must  swallow  it.  It  is  pleasant  to  sugar-coat  one's 
opinions;  for  then  the  compounder  of  the  articles  needn't 
be  quite  so  distressed  as  must  be  the  case  when  his  drugs 
are  given  undisguised.  Your  gallant  General,  however,  is, 
rightly,  one  of  those  apothecaries  who  are  averse  to  sugar- 
coating  and  has,  consequently,  come  out  allopathically  with 
his  bitter  aloes  and,  like  it  or  not,  your  soldiers  must  swal- 
low the  potion  if  they  care  at  all,  and,  of  course,  they  do, 
for  the  healthful  and  vigorous  appearance  of  the  service." 

"Appearances  do  not  win  battles,"  declared  the  news- 
paperman. 

"They  go  a  good  way  toward  it,"  interposed  the 
Monocle.  "A  slovenly  soldier  is  a  poor  representative  of 
his  country  and  you  know,  as  well  as  I,  that  a  smart  de- 
meanor has  much  to  do  with  the  success  attained  in  any 
walk  of  life.  The  sloven,  of  whatever  profession  or  trade, 
rarely,  if  ever,  makes  a  complete  success.  The  well-groomed 
horse  draws  admiring  eyes  to  it  when  the  neglected  beast 
fails  to  attract  other  than  sorry  recognition.  It  is  just  as 
essential  for  the  soldier  to  see  to  it  that  his  uniform  is 
spick,  span  and  spotless  as  for  him  to  make  sure  that  his 
arms  are  clean  and  fit  to  pass  inspection.  The  soldier  must 
not  be  satisfied  to  trim  up  for  parade  only.  He  owes  it  to 
his  regiment,  to  his  country;  at  all  times  and  under  all  cir- 
cumstances, to  appear  in  public  in  the  best  possible  light. 
The  order  to  the  army  of  which  I  have  spoken  is  timely 
and  reads  as  follows : 

"  'Becent  reports  indicate  the  existence  of 
marked  unsoldierly  deportment  on  the  part 
of  some  of  the  troops,  a  condition  apparently 


ACCEPTED 

cultivated  recently  under  the  mistaken  idea 
that  a  certain  uncouthness  of  exterior  and 
laxity  of  manners  are  the  essential  character- 
istics of  a  soldier.  As  they  are  subver- 
sive of  discipline  and  efficiency,  offenses  of 
this  nature  must  neitHer  be  ignored  nor  con- 
doned. Commanding  officers  are  strictly  ac- 
countable for  the  generaF  appearance  of  their 
troops  under  all  circumstances,  whether  they 
be  in  garrison,  camp,  on  the  marcH,  off  duty 
or  on  brief  furlough.  Soldiers  are  as  much 
responsible  for  their  conduct  while  off  the 
military  reservations  or  out  of  camp  as  when 
in  garrison/ 

"The  General  has  spoken  wisely  and  in  good  season," 
continued  the  Monocle,  "and  commanding  officers  re- 
specting his  admonition  will  raise  their  men  to  a  dignified 
standard." 

"My  dear  Monocle,  you  still  persist  in  forgetting  that 
this  is  a  Democratic  country,"  growled  the  newspaperman. 

"Then,  from  your  view  point,  or  let  me  say  from  the 
view  of  too  many  of  you  good  souls,  one  must  be  a  down- 
right slovenly  creature  in  order  to  be  Democratic; 
you  must  be  insolent  to  your  superiors  (the  office  they 
occupy  having  placed  them  in  a  position  superior  to  the 
one  you  yourself  hold) ;  you  must  indulge  ridicule  with 
the  determination  that  it  shall  overshadow  reverence,  and 
encourage  contempt  for  all  tEat  is  pure  and  honest,  and 
spit  out  rude  personalties  in  the  hope  of  totally  eclipsing 
and  soiling  the  sensitive  and  clean.  It  is  not  so  long  ago 
that  one  of  your  statesmen  gloried  in  the  boast  that  he 
was  upholding  Democratic  principles  by  wilfully  defying 
precedence  and  polite  custom  in  refusing  to  attend  an 
important  function  in  the  orthodox  evening  suit.  I  heard 


124          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

of  one  well-known  gentleman  boasting  that  in  spite  of  his 
wife's  'high  toned'  pleading,  as  he  described  the  lady's 
importunities,  he  still  proved,  notwithstanding  the  wealth 
he  had  suddenly  acquired,  his  support  of  Democratic  prin- 
ciples by  sitting  at  his  sumptuous  dinner  table  in  his  shirt 
sleeves.  Is  that  not  first-class,  fine-edged  twaddle?  But 
your  poor  misused  word,  Democratic,  what  a  heap  of  incon- 
sistencies, incongruities,  vulgarities  and  shame-faced,  red- 
hot,  deliberate  blackguardism  you  are  called  upon  to 
father !  Every  vulgarian  excuses  himself  under  cover  of  the 
word  Democratic ;  and  those  of  your  soldiers  whose  'unsol- 
dierly  deportment'  and  'uncouthness  of  exterior'  and 
laxity  of  manners'  have  succeeded  in  bringing  down  upon 
them  stinging  official  rebuke,  of  course,  take  refuge  behind 
that  obsolete  fortification  called  Democratic !  But,  sir,  the 
word  will  no  longer  stand  as  an  excuse  for  conduct  unbe- 
coming a  man  in  or  out  of  the  service.  The  recent  reports 
to  which  the  General  alludes  are  obviously  too  correct. 
Kowdyism,  assaults,  insults,  attacks  on  and  the  demolishing 
of  property,  and  other  offenses,  together  with  Ancient 
Pistol  braggadocio,  have  been  too  freely  indulged  and  too 
readily  condoned.  I  witnessed  on  one  occasion  the  riotous 
smashing  up  of  a  saloon  in  the  vicinity  of  the  Presidio  by 
exuberant  soldiers  who,  because  they  had  seen  service  in 
the  Philippines,  were  under  the  impression  that  they 
owned  the  citizens  and  the  streets  of  San  Francisco.  A 
guard  more  than  once  has  been  ordered  out  to  quell  dis- 
turbances and  bring  in  the  men.  On  many  occasions  rowdy 
soldiers  would  come  in  contact  with  the  police,  and  drunk- 
enness has  been  flaunted  apparently  without  care  for  dis- 
cipline, or  jealousy  for  the  dignity  and  authority  of  the 
uniform.  The  streets  have  been  made  howling  Bedlams 
by  men  who  have  received  their  discharge;  to  the  noise 
and  the  rowdyism,  the  drunkenness  in  public  and  the 
demoniacal  yells  and  cat-calls,  with  a  good  sprinkling  of 


ACCEPTED  125 

sulphuric  expletives  and  revolting  blasphemy  by 
men  wearing  their  country's  uniform,  is  no  doubt 
due  that  severe  official  note  of  reminder  and  repri- 
mand. It  is  well  that  cognizance  has  been  taken 
of  such  conduct,  for  it  would  be  a  million  pities  were  the 
valor  of  such  brave  boys  to  be  tarnished  by  conduct  unbe- 
coming soldiers  and  gentlemen.  I  make  so  bold  while 
discussing  this  subject  with  you,  sir,  to  remind  your  sol- 
diers going  from  these  shores  to  your  newly  acquired 
islands  far  away,  that  they  can  best  prove  the  power  and 
the  greatness  of  your  country  by  a  dignified  bearing,  by 
obedience,  discipline  and  the  remembrance  always,  and 
under  all  circumstances,  that  they  are  representatives  of  a 
stalwart  Nation  which  has  entrusted  to  their  care  the  sow- 
ing of  the  seed  of  a  perfect  civilization." 


Our  circulation  is 
healthy  and  rapid. 


CDe  Daily  inflated 


The  greatest  paper 
on  earth! 


Vol.  XXIV 


New  York,  Tuesday,  September  24th,  1901 


Price  5  Cents 


MILLIONS  GIVEN  AWAY  IN 

THE     CAUSE     OF 

CHARITY. 

The  Daily  Inflated,  always 
to  the  fore  in  matters  which 
concern  the  people,  has  had  its 
representatives  in  the  great 
cities  of  the  world  inquire,  as 
far  as  such  an  undertaking  is 
possible,into  the  charities  given 
by  the  wealthy.  The  sums  are 
beyond  count.  So  very  great 
are  the  gifts,  and  so  many  of 
the  poor  are  receiving  alms 
that  are  never  made  public, 
that  we  once  again  remind  our 
readers  that  this  is  not  the 
very  bad  world  that  some 
would  have  us  believe  it  to  be. 

The  charity  given  away  is 
enormous,  and,  still,  there  are 
the  poor  and  there  has  been 
and  there  will  ever  be.  But  that 
is  not  the  fault  of  the  rich,  for 
they  do  their  best  to  lessen  all 
misery  while  never  is  there  one 
who  would  increase  it! 

In  another  column  the  dis- 
tinguished visitor  to  our 
shores,  the  Monocle,  speaks  on 
the  subject. 

The  discussion  we  think,  is 
timely.  The  wholesale  condem- 
nation of  a  class  because  it 
happens  to  be  more  fortunate 
than  another  is  miscnievous, 
and  especially  when  the  class 
assailed  does  every  thing  in  its 
power  to  assist  the  needy  and 
the  sick. 


THE  MONOCLE  DECLARES 

THAT  THE  RICH  MAN 

IS  THE  FRIEND  OF 

THE   POOR   AND 

CONDEMNS    THE 

AGITATOR   AND 

DISTURBER. 

"In  view  of  what  looks  like 
an  increased  determination  on 
the  part  of  certain  agitators  to 
antagonize  the  poor  against  the 
rich,  in  consequence  of  the  ap- 
parently malicious  purpose  of 
irresponsible  and  well  paid  dis- 
turbers to  irritate  the  working 
man  against  his  employer,  I 
must  venture  a  remark.  It  was 
not  my  intention  to  wade 
through  this  very  troublous 
tide.  I  had  made  up  my  mind 
to  pass  over  the  unnecessarily 
unhappy  conditions,  though  I 
will  admit  they  have  given  me 
much  concern.  It  is  in  view  of 
certain  happenings,  it  is 
through  the  many  inflamed 
vital  parts  feverishly  disturb- 
ing the  industrial  body,  that  I 
feel  impelled  to  say  a  word  for 
harmony  and  better  feeling.  It 
maybe  asked  'Who  am  I  that 
dare  enter  the  arena  to  discuss 
the  vital  subject?'  To  such* I 
would  give  answer:  I  have  as 
much  liberty  to  speak  and 
preach  the  doctrine  of  peace 
and  good-will  among  men  as 
have  they  who  urge  dissension 
and  attempt,  often  only  too 
successfully,  to  make  the  ar- 
tisan dissatisfied  with  his  lot. 


ACCEPTED  127 

The  employer  of  labor  is  no  brute;  he  is  no  slave  driver; 
he  is  amenable  to  argument  when  not  aggressively  forced; 
he  pays  wages  just  as  promptly  when  business  is  thorough- 
ly and  down-right  bad  as  when  it  is  highly  nourishing;  his 
workmen  when  injured  are  not  neglected,  many  employers 
having  established  their  own  hospitals  for  their  own  maim- 
ed employees,  and  others  support  cots  in  public  hospitals; 
while  there  are  not  a  few  who,  through  inability  to  work, 
are  receiving  pensions  from  the  very  men  who  are  assailed 
and  held  up  as  the  enemies  and  oppressors  of  the  laborer  by 
the  bellows-mouthed  agitator.  The  hours  of  labor  are  usual- 
ly consistent  with  health  and  domestic  contentment.  Wages 
are,  almost  in  every  case,  just  what  the  law  of  organized 
labor  demands,  and,  in  instances,  more.  On  the  very  stroke 
of  an  agreed  time  all  tools  and  implements  are  laid  down 
and  machinery  stopped  and  the  workingman  hies  him  to 
his  home,  where  he  is  welcomed  by  his  children,  who  are 
receiving  the  same  free  education  which  has  fitted  many 
of  the  most  prominent  men  for  the  high  and  distinguished 
National,  Professional  and  Mercantile  positions  they  hold 
at  this  very  hour.  No,  my  dear  sir,  there  is  not  so 
very  much  to  justify  a  grumble  or  discontent,  but, 
on  the  other  hand,  there  is  everything  to  make 
you,  me  and  all  of  us  thankful  to  the  Watchful  Providence 
that  has  drawn  humanity  so  closely  together,  that  the  suf- 
ferings and  the  tribulations  of  all  are  heard  and  heeded 
and  abated  as  far  as  rests  in  human  power;  while,  on  the 
other  hand,  the  joys  and  the  triumphs  of  life  are  ushered 
in  with  one  harmonious  voice.  Let  it  be  remembered  that  a 
National  calamity  levels  all  classes.  Be  it  remembered, 
also,  that  a  disaster  to  an  individual  class  draws  out  the 
profoundest  sympathy,  whether  the  suffering  comes  to  the 
rich  or  the  poor,  and  let  me  remind  the  agitator,  and  the 
disturbers  of  labor  and  the  defamers  of  the  rich,  that  the 
purse-strings  of  the  wealthy  are  readily  loosened 


128          INTERVIEWS   WITH  A  MONOCLE 

and  the  gold  flows  willingly  in  quick  response  to 
calamities  which  often  befall  the  toiler.  Of  course, 
as  I  mentioned  in  an  early  interview,  there  is 
much  that  could  yet  be  done  to  alleviate  suffering 
and,  especially,  in  that  one  great  direction,  the  better 
housing  of  the  poor.  But  let  us  not  forget  the  millions 
willingly  given  to  lessen  the  suffering  of  humanity ;  let  us 
take  tender  heed  of  the  charitable  work  that  is  being  done 
every  moment  of  our  lives  by  the  Churches  (yes,  dear 
skeptic,  by  the  Churches) ;  by  the  good  and  noble  wives  of 
those  very  Capitalists  whose  benevolent  names  are  insulted 
by  the  demagogic  frothings  of  the  street-corner  Demos- 
thenes !  Let  us  remember  the  Capitalists  themselves,  whose 
time  and  money  go  hand  in  hand  to  direct  and  support 
hospitals  and  other  institutions  without  which  the  laborer 
and  the  poor  would  fare  badly  indeed.  Millions,  I  say, 
are  given  toward  the  amelioration  of  man's  sufferings.  The 
orphan,  the  widow,  the  cripple,  all  find  that  a  kindly  hand, 
that  of  the  rich,  is  stretched  out  to  lend  and  give  help.  Let 
the  agitator  turn  his  mind  and  his  hours  to  better  account, 
in  the  charitable  direction  of  preaching  of  the  goodness 
and  the  kindness  in  the  world.  By  so  doing  he  will  be  a 
good  man,  for  he  will  take  sunshine  where  now  he  draws  a 
crape  mantle  of  dangerous  darkness." 


Our  watchword  Th*  IlaiilT  THftat/ul  Spicy,  pungent 

la:   "Honesty!"  CDC  Ually    UlllflKVl  and  fearless! 

Vol.  XXIV        New  York,  Wednesday,  September  25th,  .901        Price  5  Cents 


ALARMING      GROWTH      OF 
OUR  ALIEN  POPULA- 
TION. 

FACTS     AND     FIGURES 
SPEAK  VOLUMES. 

INCREASE  BIG  AND  ILLIT- 
ERATE!    SHALL  IT 
CONTINUE? 

Without  comment  we  give 
the  following  extract  from  the 
annual  report  of  the  Commis- 
sioner of  Immigration,  received 
at  the  Treasury  Department, 
Washington: 

"The  number  of  aliens  who 
arrived  during  the  fiscal  year 
ended  June  30th,  1901,  was 
453,496;  the  steerage  aliens 
numbered  388,931. 

The  conclusion  is  unavoid- 
able, unfortunately,  that  our 
immigration  is  constantly  in- 
creasing in  illiteracy.  Not  only 
are  we  drawing  more  and  more 
from  the  countries  where  illit- 
eracy is  high  but  also  the  immi- 
grants themselves  are  show- 
ing higher  percentage  of  illit- 
eracy. Nearly  one  half  of  our 
steerage  immigrants  now  pre- 
sent an  ILLITERACY  of  from 
FORTY  TO  FIFTY  per  cent." 

We  would  remind  our  read- 
ers that  this  rush  of  388,931 
alien  immigrants  means  a  great 
strain  upon  the  already  crowd- 
ed labor  market.  The  question 
is:  Are  we  to  tolerate  this 


THE  MONOCLE  READS  THE 
REPORT  OF   THE   COM- 
MISSIONER  OF   IM- 
MIGRATION 

GIVES    A    STRONG    INTER- 
VIEW AND  ONE  WORTH 
READING!    POWER- 
FUL     ARGU- 
MENT. 

A  representative  of  The  In- 
flated interviewed  the  Monocle 
with  regard  to  the  immigration 
which  has  reached  such  propor- 
tions that  we  deemed  it  a  fit  op- 
portunity to  obtain  a  disinter- 
ested view. 

"YES/'  said  the  Monocle, 
"the  statistics  show  that  the 
influx  of  immigrants  for  the 
fiscal  year  ending  in  June  last, 
was  enormous  and  it  is  surely 
a  question  whether  the  inlet  to 
these  shores  ought  to  be  al- 
lowed to  continue.  The  nation 
getting  rid  of  its  surplus  stock 
of  its  soiled  human  remnants 
is  fortunate;  fortunate,  indeed, 
in  having  a  dumping  ground 
upon  which  to  place  its  bur- 
densome freight  of  undesirable 
and,  in  many  instances,  unholy, 
low-browed,  mischief-hatching 
and  unwashed,  poor  images  of 
man.  Your  official  report,  al- 
low me  to  say  once  more  and 
with  emphasis,  YOUR  OF- 
FICIAL REPORT  declares  that 


sort  of  thing?  Shall  the  labor |  even  from  FORTY  TO  FIFTY 
market  be  so  over-stocked  as  per  cent  of  this  motley  gather- 
to  ultimately  be  the  means  of  ing  is  ILLITERATE,  and,  bear 
over-taxing  the  citizens — those  in  mind  that  by  ILLITERATE, 


legitimately  of  the  soil? 


in   this    case,    the    GOVERN- 


129 


129-9 


130          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

MENT  means  that  between  FOETY  AND  FIFTY  per 

cent  of  your  new  proteges  are  unable  to  read  and  write. 
The  number  of  foreigners  who  came  steerage  to  swell  the 
population  of  these  hospitable  shores,  remember,  is  not 
very  far  short  of  the  HALF  MILLION  mark  and,  my 
friend,  in  one  year  at  that!  And  also  remember  that  of 
that  number  you  receive  between  FORTY  AND  FIFTY 
per  cent  of  ILLITERATES !" 

"In  this  very  city,  the  Metropolis  of  the  United  States, 
through  whose  portly  and  wide  doors  have  come  these 
ILLITERATES,  there  is  a  continual  cry  for  school  accom- 
modation for  the  children  of  your  own,  schools  which  must 
receive,  when  increased  accommodation  is  ready,  the  off- 
spring of  the  between  FORTY  AND  FIFTY  per  cent  of 
the  ILLITERATE  of  recent  arrival. 

"I  will  not  say  that  there  are  not  some  respectable  and 
good  persons  among  the  crowd.  Of  course  there  are,  and 
some  very  estimable  persons,  too.  But  we  all  know  that 
the  majority  are  not  the  most  desirable  folk  in  the  world. 
If  you  are  particular  to  increase  the  population  of  the 
States,  then  why  not  offer  inducement  to  a  thrifty  class 
to  come  and  settle  and  multiply  and  till  the  soil  and  make 
your  mills  the  model  mills  of  Nations  ? 

"Why  not  let  the  yeomen  of  the  sturdy  Nations  know 
that  awaiting  them  are  acres  and  acres  of  good  and  desir- 
able lands,  not  a  million  miles,  either,  from  civilization! 
There  are  hundreds  and  thousands  of  the  better  class  who 
would  come  here  did  they  know  that  there  are  farms  in 
plenty  going  to  waste  in  beautiful  New  England,  in  Con- 
necticut, New  Jersey  and  many  other  States  of  the  Union. 
On  the  other  hand,  it  is  positively  alarming  when  one  con- 
siders the  classes  from  which  the  greater  number  of  the 
teeming  immigrants  have  sprung!  For  my  part  I  con- 
sider it  an  injustice  to  the  people  of  the  soil,  the  people 
who  are  bred  and  born  and  nurtured  here.  Admittedly  it 


ACCEPTED  131 

is  a  great,  vast  country  and  there  is  room  aplenty  to  ac- 
commodate the  crowd!  That  is  all  very  well,  but  you 
want  to  put  upon  the  vast  lands  the  proper  set;  those  who 
will  some  day  be  a  credit  and  a  substantial  help  to  the 
country.  Almost  a  half-million  in  a  year  of  a  piccalilli- 
mixture  of  foreigners!  Think,  and  think  well  on't — a 
piccalilli  assortment  of  benighted,  illiterate  souls !  What 
are  you  going  to  do  about  it  ?  you  ask  me.  That  is  for  your 
statesmen  to  decide;  but  the  day  is  not  far  distant  when 
the  question  will  have  to  be  taken  up  for  the  good  of  the 
country  and  the  peace  and  tranquil  mind  of  the  people." 


A  family  paper  report- 
ing scandals  in  full. 


Cbc  Daily  Inflated 


We  print  all  the 
news  of  the  day. 


Vol.  XXIV 


New  York,  Thursday,  September  26th,  1901 


Price  5  Cents 


PROSPERITY  THROUGHOUT 

THE  COUNTRY  IN  ALL 

INDUSTRIES. 

The  statistics  from,  every 
Industrial  Department  of  the 
United  States  reveal  the  emin- 
ently satisfactory  condition  of 
the  country.  Prosperity  is 
everywhere,  and  there  never 
was  a  time  when  there  was  so 
great  a  demand  for  labor,  or 
when  labor  could  be  so  satis- 
fied with  the  conditions. 

The  Savings  Banks  are  proof 
of  the  thrift  and  the  good 
sense  of  the  wage-earner. 

The  Building  Trade  in  each 
of  its  many  branches  is  thriv- 
ing from  the  Eastern  to  the 
Western  coast.  Merchandise 
finds  a  ready  market.  The  far- 
mer has  had  bountiful  crops, 
the  foreign  markets,  eager  for 
our  goods,  buy  generously  from 
us,  our  Government  is  strong 
in  the  estimation  of  the  world. 

What  more  can  a  nation  ask  ? 
What  greater  blessing  can  be 
bestowed?  There  is  no  room 
then  in  this  community  of  con- 
tented people  for  sniveling  mal- 
contents and  bilious  pessi- 
mists. 

Let  each  emulate  the  jubila- 
tion of  the  wise  and  the  thrifty 
and  the  God-fearing,  industri- 
ous majority,  and  all  shall  be 
happy. 

We,  as  a  Nation,  are  build- 
ing all  the  time,  our  foundation 
is  impregnable  and  our  object 
is  Progression  with  Peace  and 
Happiness. 

They  are  good  builders  who 
lay  and  cement  every  stone  and 
they  are  bad  men  who  would 
destroy  the  good  work. 


THE    MONOCLE'S   PARTING 
WORDS  BEFORE  LEAV- 
ING FOR  HAPPY 
OLD    ENGLAND. 
MAKES     SOME    VALUABLE 
PROMISES.     ITS  TRUE 
MISSION     TO     THE 
U.  S.  A.  EXPLAINED. 
IMPORTANT       STATEMENT 
ISSUED  BY  THE  EDI- 
TORS OF  THE  IN- 
FLATED. 

Trunks  galore  were  being 
piled  upon  a  wagon  when  The 
Daily  Inflated's  representative 
encountered  the  Monocle  hop- 
ping nimbly  into  a  hansom. 

"God  save  the  King!"  cried 
the  Monocle  jubilantly,  as  the 
doors  of  the  hansom  were  slam- 
med together ;  "and  in  the  same 
breath  I  say,  God  preserve 
your  President  and  bless  your 
people  and  keep  you  in  con- 
tinued prosperity  and  increased 
happiness!" 

"Why,  what  is  this?"  asked 
The  Inflated's  representative  as 
he  observed  the  Union  Jack  and 
the  Stars  and  Stripes  entwined 
around  the  rim  of  the  Monocle. 

"I  have  received  a  cable  and 
must  return  to  London,"  re- 
plied the  Monocle,  "but  before 
leaving  I  will  admit  my  mission 
here  has  been  to  study  your  cur- 
rents ere  the  next  yacht  race 
in  1905.  I  have  studied  and 
have  been  enabled,  therefore,  to 
give  Sir  Thomas  the  results 
of  my  investigation  of  your 


ACCEPTED  133 

waters.  I  know  your  currents  and  I  know  your  winds. 
I  have  also  noted  your  jockeys  and  have  kodaked  their 
methods  for  British  horse  owners.  I  have  successfully 
bored  deep  into  the  workings  of  your  great  commercial 
combinations,  and  I  take  back  with  me  colored  vitascopic 
views  of  the  brotherly  love  arguments  between  your  Capital- 
ists and  your  Laborers.  I  carry  in  my  convex  form  statis- 
tics of  the  immigration  to  your  shores  as  proof  of  the  too 
open  asylum  you  have  allowed  yourself  to  become,  and  I 
intend  lecturing  throughout  the  British  Isles  upon  Free- 
dom and  Equality  as  I  have  seen  them  and  enjoyed  them 
abroad ;  at  the  same  time  illustrating,  with  the  promptings 
of  a  Tammany  Hall  phonograph,  your  National,  State  and 
Municipal  Governments  and  Mr.  Bartholdi's  Statue  of 
Liberty." 


IMPORTANT  STATEMENT  BY  THE  EDITORS  OF 
THE  INFLATED. 

THE  DAILY  INFLATED, 

Balloon  Building, 
Gasometer  Row, 

NEW  YORK  CITY,  Oct.  17, 1901. 

In  compliance  with  the  requests  of  the  Chief  of  the 
Political  Wigwam  of  the  city,  we,  the  undersigned,  on  oath 
deny  any  sympathy  with  the  majority  of  the  views  and 
opinions  expounded  by  the  Monocle  in  the  interviews 
given  our  representatives. 

We  are  too  United  States  American  in  mind  and  feel- 
ing to  coincide  with  any  foreigner,  no  matter  how  dis- 
tinguished. Our  motto  is:  "America  for  Americans;  WE 
can  do  no  wrong;  Hurrah  for  Old  Glory !"  Furthermore,  we 
are  convinced  that  the  Monocle,  in  giving  the  answers  to  our 


134          INTERVIEWS  WITH  A  MONOCLE 

reporters,  as  published  in  our  columns,  shows  conclusively 
that  a  bias  and  prejudice  influenced  its  conclusions. 

We  assure  our  political  confreres  that  it  would  be  im- 
possible for  us  to  agree  with  such  views  and  again  pledge 
our  readers  and  supporters  that  since  publishing  the  inter- 
views our  loyalty  to  the  Land  of  the  Free  and  the  Home 
of  the  Brave  has  increased  to  a  proportion  that  is  as  wide 
and  extended  as  the  Continent  itself,  and  as  warm  as  the 
furnace-zephyrs  that  waft  o'er  our  newly  acquired  island? 
and  kiss  the  waters  of  the  Pacific. 

NEBUCHADNEZZAR    INKEY, 
EBENEZEK    SPIKEM, 
U.    C.  STUNTS, 

Editors. 

THE  END. 


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